Hot Pocket Heiress Gonna Eat All The Hot Pockets, IN JAIL

Orange is the new 'Hot Pockets'

Michelle Janavs is the heiress to the vast Hot Pockets fortune — a fortune she owes almost entirely to broke college students — and she is set to appear today for sentencing in a Boston federal court for having paid California college admissions consultant William "Rick" Singer to create fraudulent college applications and ACT test scores in order to give her daughter an unfair advantage in getting into college.

Lady Hotpockets is one of 53 people, including Felicity Huffman of "Desperate Housewives" and Lori "Aunt Becky" Loughlin, to participate in the scheme.

Instead of having her daughters take ACT tests like everyone else has to, Janavs paid Singer $100,000 to have his associate take the test for them. They also say she gave Singer another $200,000 to be used to bribe an official at the University of Southern California to pretend that one of her daughters was being recruited to play beach volleyball for the school.

Janavs pleaded guilty back in October, and prosecutors are asking for her to be sentenced to 21 months in prison. She has since apologized for having "caused harm to other students who have worked so hard to apply and gain admission in a fair fashion."

Yeah, she did cause harm. At least when other rich people buy a wing or a library for the school to get their kids in, the school actually gets something in return. I'm not saying it's good, but in the grand scheme of things, this is certainly worse. These are kids who already have all the advantages in the world.

For kids like these, "getting into a good school" is just another luxury their parents wanted for them and felt they ought to be able to purchase. Quite frankly, they could have skipped college altogether and lived comfortably on that sweet, sweet Hot Pocket money for the rest of their lives. They could have gone to a school with a more lenient admissions policy, they could have gone to a community college for a year to get their grades up. There were lots of things they could have done to get into college without Lady Hotpockets coming in and bribing a bunch of people so those girls could take the spots of more deserving students who were, perhaps, actually really good at beach volleyball. That's not cool.

Just in case you weren't fully in eat the rich mode after this, may I please draw your attention to what came up when I Googled "hot pockets" today for this post. It is a $5,695 clutch bag shaped like a piece of pizza.

Sure! It's probably there either because I like to check out all the weird rich people Christmas gifts during the holidays and Judith Leiber clutches are always particularly batshit or because I bought a coat on sale at Neiman's this year, but the important thing here is that it exists. And probably someone has purchased it.

[ Reuters ]

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