House Wingnut Begs For Cuban Sacrifice To Appease GOP Thunder Gods

Rep. Trent Franks

Republicans in Congress are awful busy writing letters these days!

•   Dear Iran : Please ignore "President" Obama. 

•   Dear United Nations : Please ignore "President" Obama. 

•   Dear Mitch McConnell : Please ignore the Constitution. 

•   Dear Fellow Republicans : Please be selfless and gracious and think of the greater good and "answer the call of statesmanship." 

We did not see that last one coming. But Arizona Rep. Trent Franks (R- Third Reich Science Lab ), a member the House Freedom Caucus, which is the official nihilist wing of the Republican Party, is circulating a three-page letter addressed to Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, asking that one of them -- and he doesn't even care which one -- drop out of the presidential race, endorse the other guy, and form a beautiful joint-ticket bromance to stop Donald Trump. Let us laugh at some highlights, together:

We, the undersigned national-security, free-market, and pro-family, conservative Members of Congress recognize you both as having proven, full spectrum conservative records and call upon you to join forces and establish a joint ticket in pursuit of the Presidency and Vice Presidency of the United States. We believe that your love of country and stalwart service in the conservative movement compels you to this end. We address you in alphabetical order, not according to preference.

What a thoughtful reassurance for Marco Rubio, that he is not necessarily the second favorite, it's just that "R" comes after "C" -- a clarification he no doubt requires if his alphabet skills are anything like his math skills. 

The choice now in front of Republicans and conservatives alike is whether to allow our anger with the status quo to cause us to jump from the frying pan into the fire and cast our lots with a man who affirms he believes in many of the ideals we hold dear and trust that he, a self-proclaimed dealmaker and a man whose record is anything but conservative, will make no deals that will violate our deepest and most cherished principles.

Oh, now Rep. Franks doesn't want Republicans to give into their anger. Unlike, say, when his House Freedom Caucus is threatening to take America hostage and shut down the whole government unless the group's stupid demands -- like, say, defunding Planned Parenthood -- are met. Sure, shutting down the government has its downsides, but at least it makes a point that uber-conservatives are angry. Real angry. But now is not the time for that, apparently. Because Donald Trump must be stopped!

We have known Donald J. Trump in recent years to be a pointed critic of President Barack Obama; we like his strong words in support of American sovereignty and a secure border; among many other laudable qualities.

So wait, what's the problem then? Oh, it's that Trump wasn't always a diehard nutbag conservative, according to the diehard nutbag conservative definition. He once said a nice thing about the mandates under Obamacare. Also, he said Planned Parenthood does some good work, aside from all the baby parts they sell on Craigslist. Plus -- and we really love this part -- Trump's devotion to destroying Muslims everywhere is kind of questionable:

Mr. Trump purports to stand tough against Islamism. Yet he says he will be “neutral” between Israel and the Palestinians, even though the Palestinian rejection of Israel is based on the Islamist view that any territory that was ever occupied by Muslims belongs to Muslims forever. Amid the rise of ISIS across the Levant, Mr. Trump’s apparent eagerness to hand over part of Jerusalem to the Palestinians will inexorably put the Holy City in the hands of the same people Mr. Trump wants to keep out of this country.

We hadn't heard anyone express concern that Trump isn't quite extreme enough on Islamicans, but if anyone's going to sound that alarm, it's flesh-covered shitpile Trent Franks.

Franks concludes by asking Cruz and Rubio to do the right thing and join forces, "For the sake of our country, the conservative cause, and future generations," and now we have to go off and find a comfy place to die laughing.

[ Huffington Post ]