How Much Can We Squeeze Into Today's Trump Weener Roundup? A Serious Post Written By A Lawyer

No, Yr Wonkette hasn't turned into a bondage website! That's Stormy Daniels taking a polygraph in 2011. Anyway, you strap in, too, because there is a whole heap of Nekkid Donald Trump news today, so let's type fast!

So, did they bone?

Oh, gosh the suspense is killing us! Can it possibly be true?

YUCK. That's the result of the polygraph from 2011. NBC has the whole thing up, including an affidavit from the examiner.

Michael Cohen, care to make this WORSE?

Take your best shot, Barry Zuckerkorn! Do you think the court will enforce that facially illegal damages provision in your supercrafty Hush Money agreement? You really think you're going to get $20 million from Stormy for talking about bareback bits-bumpin' with the president? Go ahead, just tell that Vanity Fair reporter what you really think!

The more I’m thinking about it, I might even take an extended vacation on her dime.

Outta the park, counselor! Nothing makes your billionaire client seem sympathetic like salivating over what you'll do when you extract money from a woman who dances in nightclubs.

BUT WAIT, Cohen's own attorney David Schwartz is coming up to bat. Can he top that?

</p><p/><blockquote>That's a valid contract. It's a million dollars per violation. And I can tell you, and this is right from Michael Cohen's mouth, that he will not rest, he will make it his life's mission to collect every single cent from Stormy ... There will be justice, because he will go after every single penny. He will not rest until he collects millions of dollars in liquidated damages and punitive damages.</blockquote> <p>Vey iz mir! Did this guy just go on <a href="https: //lawandcrime.com/legal-analysis/michael-cohens-attorney-just-made-it-easier-for-stormy-daniels-to-win/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Law & Crime,</a> a legal network, and brag that he was going to get liquidated <em>and</em> punitive damages in a contract case? Boychik, you can't collect punitive damages in a contract case in most states, including California where you're litigating! See, liquidated damages are cash to compensate the injured party. Punitive damages are to punish the party at fault for doing something reprehensible, like <a href="https://www.dlapiper.com/en/us/insights/publications/2014/12/185-million-punitive-damages/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">discriminating against a pregnant woman.</a> And we're sure that Daniels's lawyer Michael Avenatti was planning to argue that $1 million per violation is an illegal punitive damages demand, but it's nice of you to concede the point in advance! </p><p/><h2>For the love of God, Michael! Stop talking!</h2> <p>Look, here's a softball. Just answer yes or no. Did you physically threaten Daniels? </p><p/><blockquote>I can only speak for myself ... I reiterate: I have never threatened her in any way and I am unaware of anyone else doing so.</blockquote> <p>So you're leaving the door open that maybe <em>someone else</em> on Team Trump did threaten her? Good to know! </p><p/><h2>Movin' On to Karen McDougal</h2> <p>Remember Karen McDougal, the former Playboy model who <em>also</em> had <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/just-donald-trump-raw-dogging-a-playboy-model-sorry-about-your-lunch" rel="noopener" target="_blank">unprotected sex</a> with Donald Trump that weekend in July 2006 at the Lake Tahoe golf tournament, allegedly? (We're starting to think that Stormy's "images" are going to involve chlamydia discharge.) </p><p>Well! Yesterday McDougal sued American Media Inc., the National Enquirer's parent company, to void the "catch and kill" agreement where they paid for her story with the express purpose of burying it. We'll have a deeper dive into this case in a bit, but here's a preview: </p><p>Like Daniels, McDougal hired attorney Keith Davidson to negotiate her settlement. Only according to the <a href="https://static01.nyt.com/files/2018/us/mcdougal-complaint-exhibits.pdf?action=click&module=Intentional&pgtype=Article" rel="noopener" target="_blank">complaint,</a> Davidson was actually "working closely with representatives for Mr. Trump while pretending to advocate on her behalf." WHOA IF TRUE! And right after McDougal finally relented to Davidson's (alleged) pressure to sign the AMI paperwork in August 2016, despite her protestation that she didn't understand it and needed time to think, Davidson called up Michael Cohen to <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/18/us/politics/michael-cohen-trump.html" rel="noopener" target="_blank">tell him</a> the deal was done. </p><p>Just in case you didn't catch that, Karen McDougal's lawyer in her dispute <em>with a third party,</em> ostensibly unrelated to the campaign, immediately called up Trump's personal lawyer with connections to the RNC to tell them that McDougal's story was dead. And don't forget, Davidson was negotiating Stormy Daniels's payout AT THE SAME TIME, in a theoretically adversarial position with Cohen. </p><p>UH HUH. </p><p/><h2>No, there cannot possibly be any more law news about Trump's weener today! Unpossible!</h2> <p>OH, BUT THERE CAN! A New York state judge <a href="http://www.nycourts.gov/press/PDFs/2018-03-20Zervos-Trump.pdf" rel="noopener" target="_blank">has ruled</a> that, under the <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/trump-lawyer-cites-paula-jones-as-to-why-he-cant-face-puss-burgling-lawsuit-lol-trump-lawyer-lol" rel="noopener" target="_blank">precedent </a>set by a 1997 case known as <a href="https://supreme.justia.com/cases/federal/us/520/681/case.html" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Clinton v. Jones</a>, the president can be sued in state court by Summer Zervos for defamation. And now we can't stop remembering that <a href="https://www.thecut.com/2016/10/summer-zervos-trump-of-sexual-misconduct.html" rel="noopener" target="_blank">press conference</a> where Zervos described walking into the Beverly Hills Hilton for what she thought was a meeting. </p><p/><blockquote>He walked up, grabbed my hand, and walked me into the bedroom. I walked out. He then turned me around and said, “Let’s lay down and watch some tele-tele.” He put me into an embrace and I tried to push him away. I pushed his chest to put space between us and I said, “C’mon, man, get real.” He repeated my words back to me — “get reeeeal” — as he began thrusting his genitals. He tried to kiss me again with my hand still on his chest and I said, “Dude, you’re tripping right now,” attempting to make it clear I was not interested.</blockquote> <p>Well, we did say this was an all Trump genitals post! You people knew what you were signing up for! Anyway, Trump denied the encounter and called her a liar. So now she's suing for defamation and can depose him <em>just the way they did Bill Clinton.</em> </p><p>KARMA'S A BITCH! Also, behold the Dirty Old Man in Chief and his esteemed counsel. Makes ya proud to be an American, don't it? </p><p><em>Follow your <a href="https://twitter.com/5DollarFeminist" rel="noopener" target="_blank">FDF</a> on Twitter!</em> </p><p><strong><a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/subscribe/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Please click here to fund our lawsplainers!</a></strong> </p><p>[<a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/trumps-stormy-history-the-seven-year-battle-between-the-president-and-the-porn-star-1521561532" rel="noopener" target="_blank">WSJ</a> / <a href="http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/TODAY/z_Creative/Declaration.pdf" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Daniels's Lie Detector Results</a> / <a href="https://lawandcrime.com/legal-analysis/michael-cohens-attorney-just-made-it-easier-for-stormy-daniels-to-win/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Law & Crime</a> / <a href="https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/03/michael-cohen-offers-his-side-of-the-stormy-daniels-saga" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Vanity Fair</a> / <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/20/us/ex-playboy-model-sues-to-break-silence-on-trump.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=first-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news" rel="noopener" target="_blank">NYT</a> / <a href="https://static01.nyt.com/files/2018/us/mcdougal-complaint-exhibits.pdf?action=click&module=Intentional&pgtype=Article" rel="noopener" target="_blank">McDougal Complaint</a> / <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/judge-rules-defamation-case-against-trump-may-proceed/2018/03/20/561d1d44-f498-11e7-b34a-b85626af34ef_story.html?utm_term=.a7b0aa73e90d" rel="noopener" target="_blank">WaPo</a> / <a href="http://www.nycourts.gov/press/PDFs/2018-03-20Zervos-Trump.pdf" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Zervos Complaint</a>]</p>