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How To Cancel Your Wonkette Subscription, And Other Important Answers To Terrible Questions
Today we at Wonkette received a very important question that was very stupidly sent to our tipline, to which we can't actually reply as it is anonymized, so we figured instead of responding to the asker, which we can't, we would respond to all of you. That question is, "How do I cancel my subscription?" We're here to help!
First, we have two different "subscriptions," both of which are called "subscriptions" even though they are totally different things, like "lead" and "lead." English. What can you do? One subscription is to our newsletter, which Dok swears he is on top of at least every full moon or so. To unsubscribe to that, you click "unsubscribe" on the newsletter when you get it. It's got a thing right there. What are you, an idiot? The second is a subscription of money, which goes on your Visa or Mastercard every month because you were drunk (and probably horny) and went here and signed up to give us either $1 a month or $50 a month. (PEOPLE DO. IT'S FUCKING BIZARRE.) To unsubscribe to that, you go back to your Paypal account and say, I don't know, your credit card was stolen by Gypsies (the preferred nomenclature is Romany, dude) or else just "cancel subscription." You can do that! We will not even mind at all! We totally get it! A few times a month people cancel their subscriptions, and we are never mad, we just worry, a) did we say something (answer: duh) or b) is our kind benefactor having a hard time financially? Is there anything we can do to help? We worry. About YOU. Because we're bleedy-hearting like that.
By all means, please cancel your subscription if it's a hardship or you hate us. But before you go, you might want to reconsider if you really want to stop paying for the website that JUST HIRED SARA BENINCASAFULL-TIME*, which I was not going to tell you until the end of the month, but you have FORCED MY HAND and ALSO I'M DRUNK (I am in Mexico) and have no willpower and also can't keep a secret to save my life, so now you have helped us buy Doktor Zoom, the Benincasa, and Snipy! Sara will take over full-time as editor-in-chief/Cunt Face Death Monster (her preferred title) of HappyNiceTimePeople when Snipy leaves HappyNiceTimePeople to be Wonkette's not-even-close-to-full-time-but-pays-sort-of-almost-as-much-because-night-"premium" night editor!
Which means you, and your compatriots, have helped us create 2.75 full-time jobs!
Is it annoying having all those ads there? Oh my god, do I get it dude. The total worst. Terrible performance. Slowness. Blinking. Nonsense. CPU CRAZINESS. (Have you considered updating your browser? No? THEN THAT'S ON YOU.) But also TWO POINT SEVEN FIVE FULL-TIME JOBS, and that's not counting me, and I should really count as four jobs, you simply have no idea!
Unless you were talking about the newsletter. Those pretty much just end up in your spam folder anyway.
*Did you apply for that? Your cover letter was FUCKING AMAZING except for a couple of you, you know who you are, and I heartfeltfully beg you to write to Sara and offer to write posts for her, just as soon as I get her an HNTP address. I was going to write you all individually, but what part of I AM DRUNK IN MEXICO do you not understand?