How To Make Friends And Influence People (Kill Some Dogs), By Kristi Noem

It's not getting any better for Kristi Noem's VP chances.

Kristi Noem was in full damage control mode after her disastrous appearance this weekend on CBS’s “Face The Nation.” Noem, trying to salvage her VP hopes and maybe her political career in general, knew it was terrible when she whined Monday on Twitter about Margaret Brennan being unfair to her.

Source: Twitter/X

Noem, as you’ll recall, has a book out in stores today in which she chose to share she executed her 14-month-old dog Cricket like Tommy being escorted to get "the highest honor they could give you."

A reenactment of Cricket’s “made ceremony”

After Noem tried to paint Cricket as the Jason Voorhees of dogs last week on Hannity, Brennan called Noem’s bullshit by bringing up the second victim in her gravel pit slaughter.

BRENNAN:  Because you put it in a part of a chapter called "Bad Day to Be a Goat." And then after you shot the dog, you quote "realized another unpleasant job needed to be done walking back up to the yard, I spotted our billy goat." You said he smelled and would chase kids. So, you took him to the gravel pit and shot him twice. How — how do you justify that? How was the goat a threat? And I'm asking you this because it seems like you're celebrating the killing of the animals.

Maybe Noem left Paramount+ on during a streaming of "Evil" while she slept and imagined her goat was conspiring against her.

This is better than her other excuses

Kristi Noem, clearly thinking she could do better with weekday morning show hosts, appeared Monday on “CBS Mornings” to promote her book.

But any hopes Noem had that this would be a fluff promotional interview were dashed when host Natalie Morales mocked the title of her book from the jump.

It’s titled “No Going Back” but it sounds like the publisher, Center Street, is “going back” on a couple of the details in the book.

That, by network morning talk show standards, is a Kendrick Lamar-level diss track punchline about Noem’s disputed anecdote regarding her “confrontation” with Kim Jung Un.

When Noem was on “Face The Nation,” Margaret Brennan pushed Noem to confirm whether she had or hadn’t met Kim Jung Un. But Noem refused to answer and kept stating that “as soon as it was brought to my attention, we went forward and have made some edits.” She repeated the same non-denial denial on “CBS Mornings” and prompted us to ask:

WTFuck do you mean “brought to your attention”? You did your own audio book for your stupid “autobiographical” book!

Source: Audible

“Brought to my attention”?! Is Kristi Noem the Ron Burgundy of South Dakota when reading her autobiographical book??

Credit: “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”

It shouldn’t need to be brought to the attention of anyone if they’ve met Kim Jung Un.

Noem prattled on, trying to somehow justify it.

"I've met with many, many world leaders, I've traveled around the world,” Noem scoffed. Noem asserted she was “not talking about her meetings with world leaders,” to which “CBS Mornings” host Morales responded by saying, “but you do talk about meetings with world leaders.” Morales kindly tried to rescue Noem by asking if this was an addition made by a ghostwriter, but again Noem brought up “meetings with world leaders” like it somehow made her anecdotes better or true.

(That the Kim Jung Un anecdote is some faux folksy crap that comes off like Noem hates children almost as much as puppies is another matter entirely.)

Fellow “CBS Mornings” host Gayle King tried to shift the conversation to Noem’s “mean girls” anecdote regarding former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley. Gayle read the excerpt in the book regarding how Haley offered to be a friend/mentor to Noem and her feelings of being “very much threatened.” Noem reiterated that "words matter," and described the call where she claimed Haley said she would “tell her, with long pauses, if she heard bad things about her.” Gayle King, no stranger to healthy female friendships, could still not make sense on how this was somehow a threat before Noem shifted to trashing Haley for running against Trump in the primaries.

Noem, seeking a respite from the mean ol’ journalists, decided to run to Fox Business and Fox News’s “The Brian Kilmeade Show” to be given unlimited time to be xenophobic while being thrown softball questions about the controversial anecdotes in her book.

But while we subjected ourselves to Brian Kilmeade (you owe us!) and her appearance on “CBS Mornings,” Noem had a new excuse as to why she shared her Franz Ferdinand treatment of the late Cricket.

Noem on “CBS Mornings”:

NOEM: People [in South Dakota] have known for years. My political opponents have tried to use this story against me in previous campaigns. I wanted people to know the truth. And that's why I put that in this book.

Noem on “The Brian Kilmeade Show”:

And that's the reason for telling the story is my political opponents in South Dakota have tried to use the story against me in my last two elections.

Way to get ahead of the story, Governor! She had chances to workshop this so she didn’t sound like a sociopath who wants to continue their unsated canine bloodlust before the White House press secretary had to address veiled threats at Joe Biden’s dog Commander, but chose another way instead. A braver way maybe. Certainly a stupider one.

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre:

“When we learned last week obviously like all of you in her book that she killed her puppy, and you heard me say that was very, very sad. We find her comments from yesterday [Sunday] disturbing. We find them absurd. And … here … this is a country that loves dogs and you have a leader [Noem] talking about putting dogs down. Killing them. And that's a disturbing statement to say. I would say to, I would say to her [Noem] is she should probably stop digging herself in a hole.”

She doesn’t seem to have taken it yet.

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