Oh for the halcyon days of 2012, when high-profile Republicans simply terrorized their family dogs by strapping them to the roof of the car instead of murdering them.
But like everything else in our rapidly spiraling dystopia, we find ourselves forced to confront something even uglier than the image of an Irish Setter’s diarrhea slow-rolling down the windows of Mitt Romney’s Chevy Caprice station wagon as he and his family zoomed at a respectable 55 m.p.h. towards Lake Huron.
Kristi “Killer” Noem, governor of South Dakota and alleged notch on Corey Lewandowski’s headboard, is the Republican politician. The dog is — or was — a wirehair pointer named Cricket. The setting is a gravel pit where Noem dragged Cricket immediately after she allegedly killed some chickens, which apparently sent Noem into her own frothing, murderous rage.
Noem writes that the dog, which she wanted to train to hunt pheasant, had an “aggressive personality” that made her difficult to control. So Noem had an idea.
Oh yeah, stop reading right now and skip to the comments (or just use your back button!) if you don’t want to read Noem’s dog snuff film. This is awful!
Okay, for everyone left, from The Guardian:
By taking Cricket on a pheasant hunt with older dogs, Noem says, she hoped to calm the young dog down and begin to teach her how to behave. Unfortunately, Cricket ruined the hunt, going “out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life”.
We’re not experts here, but you take a year-old dog with probably still a lot of puppy energy out into a field with a bunch of birds and turn her loose, what do you think is going to happen? Do you imagine some sort of Disney movie scene where the older, wiser dogs explain to Cricket the ways of the animal-master relationship, so that by the end of the scene, the impetuous youngster is running out into the field and returning to drop a freshly shot pheasant at her mistress’s feet?
AN OLDIE BUT A GROSSIE:
Cricket maybe did learn something about hunting, though obviously not what Noem intended:
Then, on the way home after the hunt, as Noem stopped to talk to a local family, Cricket escaped Noem’s truck and attacked the family’s chickens, “grabb[ing] one chicken at a time, crunching it to death with one bite, then dropping it to attack another”.
Cricket the untrainable dog, Noem writes, behaved like “a trained assassin”.
Or like a dog that had just spent all day chasing birds around a field while you tried to shoot them and didn’t have it out of her system quite yet.
Noem writes that Cricket also tried to bite her, then was “the picture of pure joy” while Noem apologized to the chickens’ crying owners, wrote them a check, and helped them clean up the carcasses.
“I hated that dog,” Noem writes, adding that Cricket had proved herself “untrainable”, “dangerous to anyone she came in contact with” and “less than worthless … as a hunting dog”.
Then gun, gravel pit, did what needed to be done, etc. and so forth:
She includes her story about the ill-fated Cricket, she says, to illustrate her willingness, in politics as well as in South Dakota life, to do anything “difficult, messy and ugly” if it simply needs to be done.
We assume this was also Noem’s mantra when she was banging Lewandowski.
Remarkably also and too, Noem’s bloodlust was not satiated that day by just one animal murder (to say nothing of any pheasants she might also have shot):
Her family, she writes, also owned a male goat that was “nasty and mean”, because it had not been castrated. Furthermore, the goat smelled “disgusting, musky, rancid” and “loved to chase” Noem’s children, knocking them down and ruining their clothes.
Yes the goat did those things, because it was a horny goat. Castrate it or send it to a breeding farm far away from your children, where its only job is to eat whatever goats eat and fuck sheep all day long. It will be happy and your children’s “Farmers do it before sunrise” T-shirts shall remain unsullied.
Noem, for whatever reason, decided the day to kill the goat was the same day she killed poor Cricket. Because as any spree killer will tell you, once you’ve got a taste for blood, there is no going back.
But though she “dragged him to a gravel pit”, the goat jumped as she shot and therefore survived the wound. Noem says she went back to her truck, retrieved another shell, then “hurried back to the gravel pit and put him down”.
So not only did she kill the goat, but she fucked up killing the goat and had to leave him lying bleeding in a gravel pit while she walked off to her truck and reloaded.
In other Kristi Noem news, you may recall that just two months ago we wrote about her being banned from the Oglala Sioux’s Pine Ridge Reservation for being a paranoid bigot who keeps wrongly calling migration across the Mexican border an “invasion” that she must send South Dakota’s National Guard troops to stop like she’s Teddy Roosevelt with smaller boobs.
YOU MAY RECALL!
Apparently Noem did not learn her lesson, because she then expanded on her earlier remarks by accusing Native Americans in South Dakota of being part of the problem:
On Wednesday afternoon, Noem expanded on those comments during her town hall in Winner.
“We’ve got some tribal leaders that I believe are personally benefitting from the cartels being here, and that’s why they attack me every day,” she said.
This was in the middle of a discussion about how to improve the abysmally low education rates for Native American students, a third of whom don’t finish high school and 84 percent of whom are “not considered college and career ready.” Noem attacked tribal leaders, accusing them with no apparent evidence of being more focused on their “political agenda” than on helping kids succeed.
In response, the Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe banned Noem from their land. The Standing Rock Sioux and Rosebud Sioux then banned her in solidarity. The Rosebud Sioux cited a long list of grievances against the governor even besides her accusations that tribal leaders are in bed with Mexican drug cartels. She has also supported cutting chunks of Native American history from the state’s social studies requirements and publicly demanding the reservations stop putting up checkpoints to try and keep COVID at bay during the worst of the pandemic in 2020. Among other brazen idiocies.
There has long been speculation that Noem is aiming to get Donald Trump to put her on the ticket as his vice presidential candidate, and of course there is no quicker path to his heart than shouting “BORDER!!!!” at top volume. We’re not sure if being a spree killer of domestic animals is also a quick path to Trump’s blackened and shriveled heart, but we would not discount it. It hasn’t worked for Junior though, so maybe not.
[The Guardian / South Dakota Searchlight / Daily Montanan]
Please help keep all of Wonkette’s dogs in poop bags and kibble.
Just in from Raw Story:
>> "South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem scrambled Friday to justify her admission to gunning down her family's dog and goat in a gravel pit — by saying she'd also killed horses." <<
I don't think she understands the criticism.
"Cricket was having the time of his life so I shot him dead" is today's Republicanism summed up in a nutshell.
Or shotgun shell. Bhqatevwr.