Hurry! Hurry! It's The Wonkette Wonkers Handmade And Upcycled Everything You Need For Christmas Ethical Consumerist Orgy!

All orgies should be ethical.

The Wonkette War on Christmas comes earlier every year! Join your friends below who have made you books and jewelry and paintings and soaps shaped like vulvas! Ready, set, CLICK CLICK CLICK!

UPDATE with missing friends!

Your friend Pope sells terpenes! ((Fogg Flavor Labs))

Your friend Flea Market Economy sells RFK Jr. whale heads, among other things! Has that one journalist mademoiselle done her shopping yet? Gross! (Flea Market Economy)

Your friend Ms. Fledermaus makes knits and embroideries with which to ward off the Evil Eye! (Ms. Fledermaus)

Your friend Tina sells beautiful vintages! Use WONKETTE30 for 30 percent off! WOW! (Camel City Treasures)

Your friend Sanovya makes snazzy, brash paintings! And she lives across the street from your friend me! (For the Eccentric)

Your friend Karen is still making the hilarious potholders I refresh every year! STABBY KITTY! STAB STAB! (Irreverant Housewife)

Karen notes: Wonkette readers in the Northern Virginia/Richmond/Fredericksburg area can also buy my potholders in my booth upstairs at Possum-bilities in Fredericksburg on Williams Street, run by a licensed wildlife rehabber who specializes in possums. She often brings a possum “ambassador” to the shop for meet-and-greet and also brings snakes, lizards, and soon will have 2 baby skunks! A portion of all sales in her shop will go towards her rehab work.

Your friend Caroline upcycles jewelry! Don’t you need a spoon ring? YOU DO! (Revival Reloved)

I don’t even think this person is a Wonker, I think a Wonker just sent them in. MARZIPOPS! (Marzipops)

Your friend Jovy makes Southwest-style jewelry with turquoise and cetera. EXQUISITE. (Jovy Rockey)

Your friend Lynn and her husband sell makeup and tools? Makeup and tools! (1111om)

Your friend Dr. Jen writes books telling people how to stop sucking and start living gooder and working right! They are here and here and here and here and here and here!

Your friend Kim writes … well, let’s let Kim tell it! “[R]eally long, complicated, angsty, kind of horny epic fantasy with lots of politics and no dragons, OR a paranormal romance series featuring the adventures of a bartender and a unicorn shifter (you heard me.) (Also fairly horny.) (Also available in audio!)” Read read read! (Kim Alexander)

Your friend Diane writes a Zine! About CATS! And Donna Rose is a satisfied client! (Catzeine)

Your friend Kim makes jewelry, oh no I couldn’t decide, I had to buy two! (Kimberly DeWald)

Your friend Judith’s brother in law makes oh my god these skulls! You guys, should I buy Shy all the skulls? The answer is yes. (Spicy Macabre)

Your friend Daniel O’Riordan’s wife makes the Celtic jewelry! (Celtic Mink)

Your friend Saxboda sells the vintages more too! (Scantik)

Your friend Nita makes CHAINMAIL jewelry, WHAT! (Kat Jewelry)

Your friend Luna’s kids designed the Pride (red) Pandas. PRIIIIDE (red) PANDAAAAAS. (Happy Fox)

Your friend Becky makes vulva soaps and WOW are they VULVA. After you buy them, you should for sure get in an email convo with her and ask to see her vag bathroom it is MWHAGINA! (La Vulve)

Your friend Sue makes nonbinary and bi and lez soaps that aren’t even shaped like vaginas or peenerwangers at all, is that even legal?! (Optimistic Soap)

Your friend Christine makes honest cards for awkward Wonks. These are among my favorites! They’re so mean I mean honest! :D (Spacepig Press)

Your friend Joan teaches storytelling classes! You can inquire at Joanlawrites@gmail.com!

Your friend Xan makes beautiful journals to put your stories in! (ShopEvanston and then email her with your request at xan at junoconsulting.net because that site takes 30 percent!)

Your friend Sue makes stuff out of stamps and buttons and coffins and it is … unhinged! (Unhinged Artworks)

Your friend TGF makes cat calendars! Or else TGF just sent us a link to these nice people who do! Unclear! (Cat Lovers Calendar)

Your friend AM makes pottery! For your pots! (AU Pottery)

Your friend Skye makes shirts and such for Rooftops of America! (Rooftops of America)

Your friend Joseph makes BATS! (BATS!) (Zowghi)

Your friend Eva’s nephew makes SAKE! (SAKE!) (Sangokura Sake)

Your friend Andrew paints abstract scores!

DM him at his substack, The Musician’s Path, to do a commission!

Your friend Rusty makes children’s books! At least I assume they are children’s books! That would be funny if they weren’t! (Rusty Austin)

Your friend Nina makes jewelry! You probably need some pearls! Use FRIENDSGET10 for 10 percent off! (Designs By Nina K)

Your friend Kat — your other friend Kat? Are there like five Friends Kat? — does cats and Kat GET IT? (Cats and Kat)

Your friend Denise does magnificent jewelry! Check out her portfolio and email her a commission request at zoonorth@zoho.com!

Your friend Timothy hand-crafted artisanal short stories along the theme of “What if the worst people you know got their comeuppance from movie monsters?” OH NO, WHAT IF! (Writer Fox)

Your friend Jennifer’s partner Franciszka writes bespoke poems and makes packs of poem-y greeting cards! (Franciszka Voeltz)

Your friend Billy makes nature photos! He’s not selling them or anything, he just wants to share! (Gallery 52)

Your friend Terse Nurse’s partner SJ makes eyeball jewelries, and yarns, and paintings!

Your friend Henry’s daughter makes witch stuff! (Witch’s Rest Stop)

Your friend Georgie sells evil elves and Star Trek socks! (Pook’s Place)

Your friend Kendra sells antique books and miniatures and vintages! Buy all the things, and get 15 percent off with code WONKERS2025 ! (Mostly Reminiscing)

We’re gonna have to let your friend MR tell it: “I’m M. R. Dimond, and my edgy cozy mysteries follow a group of three young millennials who swerve off the highway of success to set up shop in the small fictional town of Beauchamp, Texas, twenty-two miles southeast of Austin. Hijinks ensue. They live in someone’s grandmother’s historic mansion and earn livings, more or less, as a veterinarian, accountant, lawyer, and ABBA tribute band. They also keep finding mysteries, people in trouble, and cats.” You probably need to read those! Also, there’s one that helps raise funds for the floods in Texas Hill Country, identify yourself as a Wonker and she’ll donate even more. (MR Dimond)

Your friend Cindy makes pottery with holes in it for baking bread! (I use mine to hold fruit, ain’t nobody baking bread in this house.) (Bowls With Holes)

Your friend Becky’s mom makes cute quilted Christmas wallets and actual quilts! (Sam Baby Studio)

Your friend Jennifer does sound healing and guided meditations! Get your om on! (Effortless Spirit Healing)

Your friend Lonnie makes jewelry and incense! I want that incense but I don’t want to have to buy charcoal discs? Lonnie, let me know if the charcoal discs are required! (Shasta Treasures)

Your friend Claudia contributed to this bundle of resources for nonprofits, templates for grants and whatnot! It’s available only through December 1, so get your templates! (Raise More Together)

Your friend Anne makes beautiful cards. If you sent me a check in the mail and I sent you a thank you note in the mail, Anne made those! If you do a custom order* and tell her you’re Wonkette, Anne will take off 30 percent! (Etsy has a “request custom order” option, a gray button visible on the left under the shop’s menu. When selected, the shopper is prompted to send a message through the platform with their request, and the seller then makes a private, à la carte listing for that shopper.) (Pictrix Designs)

Your friend Stephen wrote this sci-fi book about I don’t know, something about red hats! (Amazon)

Your friend TK has written SIXTY BOOKS. Get readin’! (TK Eldridge)

Your friend Chris does beautiful beadwork! Use code WONKETTE for 10 percent off, and get beadin’! (Random Acts of Beading)

And don’t forget the Wonkette Bazaar, for your kitten totes and mugs and shirts and Kamala aprons and stickers and … other things. You could buy a Wonkette Game of Elections: The Game, which are still stocked up in my basement! Just throw away the Trump card, we made him too powerful, that guy sucks. (Wonkette Bazaar)

See you at 3 p.m. with a cocktail! Again!