I Am The Reflecting Pool. Don't Look At Me, I'm Hideous

Everything Trump touches dies or gets filled with unsightly algae, no exceptions.

Photo by Edward Johnson. Used under Creative Commons license.

Oh my God. What have you done to me????

Look at me. I’m greener than the Phillie Phanatic. I look like a bunch of Peter Pan impersonators melted. I look like Lime Cucumber Gatorade. I look like a leprechaun orgy.

Jesus. I’m the most hideous shade of bridesmaid dress ever.

You’re going to be clean and sparkly and beautiful, they said. We’re going to paint you a lovely color of American Flag Blue and you’ll look more gorgeous than ever, they told me. Instead I look like a bayou after a spill at a nearby Mountain Dew plant.

This is the worst algae bloom in me in at least five years. And it was totally avoidable. Washington DC is in a bad heat wave, even for June. Algae loves warm water, and I am warm right now. To top this all off, the “American Flag Blue” is so dark that it might be helping trap heat in me. People in the administration are yapping about “residual algae in the supply lines.” Did no one check the supply lines feeding water into me as part of this grand beautification project? No one considered it? No one said There is anti-algae paint on the market, maybe we should consider using it?

Another theory is that I’m now full of orthophosphate, which is in DC’s city water. Orthophosphate is like super-food for algae. And I hold 6.75 million gallons of water. So the geniuses running this fustercluck of an operation might have refilled me with what amounts to a nearly 7-million-gallon algae buffet.

Was this all foreseeable? Sure, if you believe in trifling bullshit like “biology” and “physics.” We already knew that was asking too much of the crew of slope-browed Neanderthals currently running our national government. So now I’m the same shade as a Nerf football. Fabulous.

Take A Nap With The President. All The Kids Are Doing It. (Allegedly!)

And to top it all off, that blue paint or epoxy or whatever they painted on me is already peeling off in clumps. It’s supposed to be waterproof, and it couldn’t survive its first contact with water.

Wait, what’s that? The hydrogen peroxide the National Park Service was pouring in me to kill the algae this week can also act as a paint stripper? Terrific. The water’s off the hook on peeling up my new coat of paint. Congrats, water.

Anyway, everyone come on down and grab clumps of my new paint job. You can take them home and in 20 years show them off to your kids the way Cold Warriors like to show off chunks of the Berlin Wall they brought home in 1991.

Actually, scratch that. The po-po are arresting people for that now. And the National Guard is patrolling my perimeter like they’re on guard duty at Bagram. Only instead of Taliban sappers, they’re warning vacuum salesmen from Milwaukee to not touch me. What a relief.

Goddamn Donald Trump. He hands a no-bid contract to clean me up and paint me to a guy you knew was grifting him. I can tell this because the dude looks like a cross between a white-collar crook who owns a bunch of Rust Belt AutoZones and John Candy playing a jolly paper cup salesman in some dumb family comedy from the late ‘80s. Where does Trump find these weirdos, you ask? Why, Palm Beach, home of Mar-a-Lago and nexus of everything unholy in America for the last decade.

Seriously, look at this dude, is he purposely dressed like a knockoff Gomez Adams?

Does he look like the sort of flamboyant twice-arrested asshole who once was fined $150,000 for bribing a congressman and spent three years on probation for violating campaign finance laws? Because that is exactly who he is, having once been one of the many idiots who handed Jim Traficant money back during the man’s heyday of bribe-taking.

And to really put the cherry on top of this crap sundae, the name of the company the dude owns that did the work? Green Water Solutions! I’m fairly sure the name is not supposed to indicate it will literally turn water the same color as the Jolly Green Giant, but there you go.

Of course, if you listen to the Right, none of this is happening. This Fox News idiot gave Trump major props for cleaning me up this week when he’s the one who made a mess of me in the first place! It’s like how the guy wants props for ending the war with Iran and getting the Strait of Hormuz open, like it wasn’t open before he ordered the military to start lobbing Tomahawk missiles at Iranian water storage tanks.

And no, wingnuts, Antifa saboteurs are not secretly dumping algae into me just to mess up your big special boy’s plan to pretty me up by July 4. No one is dumping algae into me, unless the Potomac River is now someone. Jesus, Lara Logan. Remember when you were a respectable journalist? Now you’re a fedora away from being Donald Sutherland telling Kevin Costner to keep looking into the JFK assassination while sitting on a bench next to me. Ironic, that.

Yeah, I don’t care what the president said. Of course he thinks his enemies dumped algae in me on purpose just to fuck with him. He probably already has the entire Justice Department investigating George Soros for funding the development of a strain of chemical-resistant super-algae or something. The one time anyone in his administration will admit science is a thing.

Of course it’s the Trump administration, so all they can say is WHAT ABOUT OBAMA’S $35 MILLION RENOVATION TEN YEARS AGO, HENNNNGGGHHHHHH? Well, what about it? If there were problems stemming from that renovation, shouldn’t this renovation have been geared towards fixing them? Maybe you should have taken your time and done it right instead of rushing to push through a no-bid contract because the giant wet baby of a president had to have his pretty blue color by July 4.

Now the Park Service has to scramble to clean me up using a metric fuckton of chemicals and something called “nanobubbler technology,” whatever that even is.

Anyway, sure, NPS is just “vacuuming up” dead algae, which President Deals vanquished as surely as he vanquished the Iranian navy. By Trump’s standards, that means he should be making a deal to hand over $300 billion for my reconstruction.

So if you’re in DC, come on over and watch my algae-heavy, lime-colored water get drained into the Potomac. But no touching! That might be a comic book villain origin story waiting to happen.

Apologies to all the fish in the river. In Donald Trump’s America, no living thing is safe.

[WaPo]

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