I Am Theodore Roosevelt And I Will Not Allow The Vulgarian Donald Trump To Speak For Me

That pigeon-livered hornswoggler!

All right, whose idea was it to bring this fatuous saddle-goose to my library? Who thought it would be an inspiring moment for the American people to watch this churl admire my accomplishments? Who thought it would be the bee’s knees to see men dressed as my Rough Riders escorting his ridiculous limousine auto-mobile through the streets?

I am livid at this spectacle. I am livid that this — what do they call it, this artificial intelligence pretending to be me — did not peel the skin off this man’s bones with a volley of cutting verbal horseplay. This coarsened fopdoodle! This dunderheaded coxcomb!

No, this folly from a Jules Verne novel took this man seriously. Look at this video. Look at this apparition trying to buck up Donald Trump:

“Presidents face storms most people never see. Keep your nerve and remember the nation comes first. You’ll get through. I know you know that feeling yourself.”

What about the last decade makes this ghost me think that Donald Trump is capable of putting the nation first? Does Ghost Theodore Roosevelt not keep up with the news? Does he not read the newspapers? Can he not give William Randolph Hearst a call for a briefing?

I shall need to have a chat with the people responsible for my museum about this grotesquerie. This should be an educational space for people who want to learn about the life of Theodore Roosevelt, the Colonel, the Trust Buster, the Hero of San Juan Hill. This noodle head does not care for education! He scoffs at it! He would not be able to sit through even a minute of conversation with Edmund Morris before he started talking about all the wonderful gold he’s glued to the walls of the Oval Office.

Which looks hideous, by the way. It makes all the tsars of Russia look tasteful.

And don’t even get me started on what he has done to the beloved East Wing of the White House that I built during my presidency, and which my cousin Franklin, God rest him, expanded so greatly. Franklin, who guided this great nation through World War II and set the stage for the rules-based Western order that resulted, which Trump also destroyed. Franklin deserved better, even if he was unfaithful to my niece on occasion.

“Those words are fantastic.” The man has the vocabulary of a street urchin. This is who the American people want as president? This orange-faced buffoon?

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Peggy Noonan Knows All The Causes Of America's Shootings, Except Guns

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Look at this man! He has obviously never spent a day in the boxing gym in his life! He has clearly never hunted buffalo across the prairie, carrying only his rifle, some extra shot, and a bit of hardtack to satiate his hunger! He has clearly never engaged in the sort of physical combat by which a man proves his own worth!

In fact, he begged out of his chance at combat with his “bone spurs.” Hmph! I’ve seen combat. It is among man’s noblest activities. It is how a man measures himself against his fellow man. Avoiding getting syphilis when patronizing lowborn wagtails in their brothels in the 1980s is far from comparable.

This presumptuous fathead. Why, I would knock his block off.

To ask me if the Panama Canal is my greatest achievement, and then have this simulacrum of me tell him that “I measure my greatest work by the lives improved, parks set aside, the square deal given to all, not just a few.” What about this man makes anyone, let alone my own ghostly doppelganger, think such words would make a mark on a man such as Donald Trump? He who is selling off the federal lands I championed so that oil men may increase their already ungodly profits. He who could not care less if everyone in America gets a square deal, or if food is safe, or if monopolies rule our economy.

I might be dead, but even I know what the Ellisons are up to, and how this frivolous gump is helping them along.

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The East Wing Of The White House Is Gone. Completely Obliterated. Sorry For Thinking It Matters.

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No, as we found out in his speech later, he just wanted me to say that I hate Jimmy Carter for selling the canal back to Panama for a dollar. Preposterous! Carter did no such thing. Even in 1912 you could not have bought the Canal for a dollar. A sloop you could sail through it, possibly. But not the entire Canal.

Also, that mane of his resembles the crest of an Amazonian parrot and I do not mean that as a compliment. I spent my formative years in the second half of the 19^th century, and even our hairstyles weren’t that hideous. No, we styled our hair like men! Facial hair, too. This man has no beard, no moustache, nothing to give his face the maturity and dignity of the noble moose elk of our Alaska territory.

What? A state? With all the rights and privileges accorded thereof? You mean the Eskimos get to vote for the presidency? I suppose next you’ll tell me that women can also vote now.

What? They can? The suffragettes won? Preposterous.

All of this as we approach the 250^th birthday of this grand experiment in democracy called America. This nation has been led by much greater men than this. George Washington. Thomas Jefferson. Abraham Lincoln. There is a reason our faces are carved into a mountain for all time, even if we had to steal the mountain from the Indians to do it.

What do you mean, this mountebank wants his own face carved next to mine on Rushmore? Would he also get his own costume for our sporting races at the Nationals’ games of base-ball? The man couldn’t run if being chased by a bear. And if he could, he would trip on his ridiculous necktie.

Now would not that be a peculiar sight!

[YouTube]

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