If You Haven't Frightened Animals, Blown Off Your Hand With Stupid Fireworks, How Are You Even American?
If You Haven't Frightened Animals, Blown Off Your Hand With Stupid Fireworks, How Are You Even American?
Yes, Fox News is at it again.
Yesterday was the Fourth of July, so as usual I spent the evening sealed away in a dark room with noise-cancelling headphones, trying to survive another brutal assault on my senses. Fireworks are loud, annoying, and destructive, so it's fitting that someone on Fox News would defend their right to terrify animals, pollute the air, and start wildfires.
"The Five" guest host Tom Shallou complained Monday that woke US Forest Service managers in the drought-stricken Southwest had suggested using red, white and blue Silly String instead of fireworks. (Environmentalists aren't on board with replacing fireworks with non-biodegradable plastic Silly String, either. Maybe everyone can just quietly sing America "Happy Birthday" and go to bed.)
"I mean, they're taking all the fun out of everything," Shallou whined.
That’s only if you consider noise pollution “fun,” and even if you did, that’s not a form of entertainment worth setting the town on fire. The New York Times reports that fireworks displays only add to the air pollution that major cities have experienced recently from wildfire smoke.
While there’s not much research on the risks of fireworks specifically, particulate matter less than 2.5 microns wide (about one-30th the width of a human hair) is known to enter people’s lungs and bloodstreams and cause breathing problems and inflammation. Children, older people and those with existing health conditions like asthma and chronic heart disease should take special care, Dr. Tee Lewis said.
The US Consumer Product Safety Commission reported that more than 10,000 people were treated in emergency rooms nationwide for fireworks injuries in 2022, and 11 people died from fireworks-related injuries. Most fatalities took place in July.
"And Silly String, that's what you bring to the celebration," Shallou went on. "You know when the fireworks, when you're waiting for them to start, you uh, do Silly String and you spray in people's hair and things like that."
This is probably why I sit out most July 4th celebrations. If someone puts Silly String in my hair, they're gonna experience my personal brand of fireworks.
Shallou continued, "It's in the national anthem. Do you remember? 'The rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air.' But what happens? Then the smoke clears and we can see the flag."
This genius is referring to a famous line from "The Star Spangled Banner," which Francis Scott Key was inspired to write after witnessing Americans defend Fort McHenry from a British ship bombardment during the War of 1812. Key was talking about actual bombs, not the finger nub makers that idiots set off in their backyard.
Shallou probably even thinks American Jesus invented fireworks but they are actually a product of communist China! Back in 200 BC, during the Han Dynasty, people apparently roasted bamboo stalks until they would turn black and sizzle, causing the air inside the hollow stalks to explode. The Mandarin word for firecracker — “Baozhu” — literally translates to “exploding bamboo."
Chinese history experts say that at some point between 600 A.D. and 900 A.D., Chinese alchemists took that idea to the next level by filling bamboo shoots with gunpowder made from saltpeter (potassium nitrate, sulfur, and carbon acquired from charcoal), and throwing them into a fire pit. Steel dust or cast-iron shavings were added to make them sparkle. Another recipe for Chinese fireworks published by the Paris Academy of Sciences in the 18th century reported that “Chinese fire was made by crushing old iron pots and scraps into sand and adding the sand to gunpowder.” These firecrackers were often used during New Year Festivals and weddings to scare off evil spirits.
For a while after the American Revolution, (white) freedom was celebrated with cannons and guns, but that was eventually phased out in favor of fireworks due to concerns for public safety. Ye Olde Fox News probably also complained that this lacked the appropriate destructive level of patriotism.
Shallou ended his rant with this gem: "The smoke will clear, all right? The Earth is not gonna end because we blew off a couple of fireworks."
It's not a given that the "smoke will clear," these days. That's the whole problem.
Meanwhile, hardly "woke" Salt Lake City replaced its fireworks display with synchronized dancing drones to avoid further air quality issues and setting off more wildfires. Boulder, Colorado, is also switching to drones, and Minneapolis is going with lasers. I personally still find all that busy light annoying to my eyes, but at least it's quiet.
[ Alternet / Time / New York Times ]
Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter if it still exists.
I'm on Bluesky now!
Catch SER on his new podcast, The Play Typer Guy.
Did you know SER has his own YouTube Channel? Well, now you do, so go subscribe right now!
Click the widget to keep your Wonkette ad-free and feisty.
My current town used to do 45min shows. God, I was ready to leave well before the end. I think it gave me a surfeit, because now I can take or leave them. (They've been shorter over the last several years, thank god)
one of the neighbor kids was setting off smoke bombs on their sidewalk under the father's encouragement. Even one as we were walking towards them. Eldest told them off.