Whatevee Supreme Court’s surely high-minded intention was, the justices have just given Donald Trump everything he wants. (Reacharounds. They wanted to give him reacharounds.)
The formerly esteemed Court announced yesterday it will hear Trump’s appeal in his permanent immunity “I am the king of Jesus, hear me roar” case, instead of simply affirming all the lower courts’ rulings and letting the criminal case in DC finally proceed against Trump. Any real judge would have done that, because the appeals court’s unanimous ruling was so incredibly thorough, and because the case at hand is literally over whether presidents have permanent immunity from all crimes they commit in office, as long as they swear on the Bible it was part of their “official duties.”
It’s that stupid.
To be clear, all the judges who have heard this case so far have laughed it out of their courtrooms. That’s what these partisan hacks feel the need to consider. In the eyes of this joke of a Supreme Court, trying to overthrow the Republic because you’re panty-pissing angry at the American people for not giving you a second term might possibly be construed as “official duties.” Or at least the president currently having the tantrum might sincerely believe that. Or at least it’s worth considering the question at length.
We don’t have a Supreme Court anymore. We have Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas nervously grinning with prematurely ejaculating boners whenever a Christian fascist with power farts in their general direction, and we have their apprentices — the credibly accused sex pest, Aunt Lydia, and the redhead — who occasionally try to convince the public they are real judges, but not often enough to merit mention beyond this paragraph.
Oh yeah, and we have John Roberts, who is chief over them all in name only, since everybody pretty much assumes Alito is really running the show.
THIS ONE.
Oral arguments will be the week of April 22. Why so long into the future? We can only imagine the Supreme Court has some important jacking off to do between now and then, because there’s no other discernible reason. They fucked around long enough getting us to this point. This all but guarantees there won’t be a Trump verdict before the election, much less (probably) a trial. And that’s assuming the Supreme Court rules after all that former presidents aren’t gods.
That’s right, it’s possible that four years later, America’s institutions will have failed fully enough that the man who incited a terrorist attack on the country in front of our faces, who fomented a treasonous criminal conspiracy to overturn the election and overthrow the government, just won’t face accountability, and could even be re-elected. And if that happens, the story of the end of this American experiment will be accompanied by a picture of the Republican clownfucks in robes who drove the final nail into the coffin.
If there is any good news to be had, it’s that if this Supreme Court rules presidents have permanent immunity as long as they say “Simon Says,” then Joe Biden is free to have Trump assassinated by SEAL Team Six, just like Judge Florence Pan asked during the trial. You’ll recall that Trump’s lawyer said Biden would first have to be impeached and convicted in Congress to be prosecuted.
And guess what Chuck Schumer’s Senate ain’t ever goddamn doin’?
And yes, that’s how literally bumblefucking stupid and completely made up Trump’s “legal” argument is here. That’s the question Sam Alito and his fellow MAGA candy stripers feel the need to consider carefully.
By the way, does anybody believe Donald Trump really cares about the judges’ answer to this question, or that he feels there’s some great constitutional issue to be resolved? No. He’s just throwing shit at the wall to delay, delay, delay, so he can try to slither into the presidency again and cancel all the prosecutions against him. He’s not hiding it.
And, well, the Supreme Court apparently thinks Trump’s shit-throwing is a game of fetch.
It’s hard to know exactly what the timeline might look like, but if oral arguments are in May, we’ll probably have a ruling by the end of June or so, says Mark Joseph Stern. (His article is worth reading in full, as it examines all the ways SCOTUS could really drag its dick here.) Could DC District Court Judge Tanya Chutkan get a trial going after that, in time for the election? Well, you know how seriously the Justice Department takes its mandate not to get all political 60 days before an election unless it’s Hillary Clinton!
(Again, assuming the Republican class pets on the Court don’t find a way to rule that white fascist former presidents are permanently immune from prosecution.)
Again, this is what Trump wanted.
We know the hostile foreign attacks on the election for the benefit of America’s greatest living enemy Donald Trump have already begun, and that a majority of the institutional Republican Party is eagerly aiding and abetting those enemy attacks. Trump just has to run out the clock and make it to November.
And lookie lookie! Shit’s all tied up in Georgia because a Black DA might have ended up dating one of the lawyers on her team, and the judge in the stolen classified documents case in Florida is such a Trump acolyte we wouldn’t be surprised to learn her mirror is plastered with Tiger Beat covers with Trump’s face on them.
Scratch what we said above, there is no good news in this post. It’s all garbage.
PREVIOUSLY!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
If you're shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
Loving reminder that commenting rules still apply, dears!
We bring up the Florence Pan question because it actually happened in court, and such are the literal implications of Trump's legal "theory."
Totally and completely OT, but one of my coworkers just invited me to the New Orleans Book Festival, which happens in about two weeks at Tulane University. The speaker lineup is AMAZING and includes Liz Cheney, David Patraeus, Stacey Abrams, Maureen Dowd, Ken Burns, and a shit ton of others. But who I really want to see is David Brooks (yes, THAT David Brooks) because I want to tease him UNMERCIFULLY about his douchey thinkpiece about the sad economic state of America as seen through the lens of his $75 burger, fries, and eighteen Old Fashioneds.
*rubs hands together gleefully*