I'm A Lawyer Who Is Timid IRL!
I'm A Lawyer Who Is Timid IRL!
Self-helpy AF!
Welcome to an advice column by me, Sara Benincasa, a person with opinions. This column will not diagnose or “cure” anything. Hopefully, reading it will entertain and perhaps comfort you. Think of it as a warm, non-itchy sweater that is glamorous yet affordable. Send questions to saratoninnewsletter@gmail.com. If I use your question, I’ll keep you anonymous.
Dear Sara,
Can you diagnose my problem? I feel like everybody in the world is good at being forthright, and I am not. I don’t like to ask for help in a store, even when I am confused and there is a salesperson there. I never point out that the cable company made an incorrect charge. I never tell a cashier they gave me the wrong change. I never send food back in a restaurant, even if it has visible hair in it. And here’s the part that my friends always point out: I am a lawyer and have zero trouble advocating for my clients.
Is this because I am a woman? My friends don’t have this problem. My mother was not like this. What is wrong with me? — Not Good At Speaking Up (Except At Work)
Dear NGASUEAW,
I have trouble speaking up for myself in such circumstances. Also I once played a lawyer on Law & Order: SVU for a day, so we are basically the same, except I was bad at advocating for my client and also he did terrible things and Captain Olivia Benson was VERY MAD AT BOTH OF US. Anyway, other than that, you and I are identical twins who both definitely went to Harvard Law School. (What, like it’s hard?!)
As per my customary disclaimer, I cannot diagnose you. But not every problem requires a code from the DSM-V. And even if most of us might benefit greatly from counseling with a good provider (I believe some form of therapy — not just talk therapy — can be fantastic for anybody) that doesn’t mean there’s something horribly wrong. Like other advice-givers in print and on this Internet, I’m just another voice offering my opinion. And I’m honored you should ask for it! So here goes…
I just think you need some practice.
We all develop different psychological and spiritual muscles over time. Sounds to me like you’re a champion at being of service to others, and need no further training there! This is wonderful, and hopefully has helped provide you with a good living and some deep satisfaction about how you spend your time on this planet. I also hope you have a Frightening Lawyer Wardrobe, like on TV.
That said, your standing-up-for-yourself muscle simply needs more loving attention. I’ll continue my awkward sporty metaphor by telling you that while I am naturally rather flexible, my cardio strength needs some help. (After I had the coco and enjoyed many a palpitation, a cardiologist made me get on a treadmill, rude!)
This will sound very strange to folks who love aerobic exercise, but I get freaked out when my heart rate gets higher — even when I’m in the safe aerobic zone. I’ve been that way since I was young. I used to have panic attacks in gym class sometimes, because the elevated heart rate of certain exercise reminded me of — you guessed it — panic attacks! The ouroboros of anxiety is really a trip.
But like you, I must exercise this unfamiliar, vital part of myself. You can do this, even and especially when it feels a little scary.
I give myself little assignments, and I congratulate myself when I do them. And yeah, I get embarrassed that I think I need to congratulate myself for something that seems easy for others. But it is okay.
Like you, I find these tasks uncomfortable. But I promise you that if you keep going, little by little, your own less-familiar power will strengthen and feel more like an integrated part of your whole self.
It is not stupid to give yourself a subtle high-five after actually asking the bodega manager where the toilet paper is. I swear.
Perhaps part of the issue for you in particular is that so much is required of you in the professional realm when it comes to speaking up, speaking out, and speaking with authority. This is a wonderful thing, but you’re doing it for other people, and for a paycheck, so it may feel justifiable to you.
It must be a wild contrast to your personal life. And you will likely need to be your own cheerleader when it comes to validating and affirming your bolder choices when you’re off the clock.
Nobody pays you for telling the phone company they charged you for a landline that doesn’t exist. Nobody thanks you for alerting the waiter that your chicken is undercooked. And when you’ve been trained to play nice in your personal life, regardless of your gender, you may prefer going home and vomiting from salmonella poisoning to politely requesting they take the raw chicken back to the kitchen.
Are women typically trained by the American overculture to be more pleasant, sweet, soft, accommodating, pliable, and quiet? Yes. I acknowledge your point that this was not modeled for you by your mother or your friend group. However, we do ingest certain things from this big cultural soup we are all swimming in, despite the best efforts of those who love us. And don’t feel bad — you have strengths that they admire and wish to emulate, I have no doubt.
I don’t know what your upbringing was like, nor your cultural background, nor any other details. So please take all this with a grain of salt. You are a mosaic, and I’m being shown, at most, a couple of tiles.
Pick a small way you can speak up for yourself today. Perhaps there is still an unnecessary charge on a bill, and you can get on the phone and report it to a customer service rep. Maybe you’ve been invited to a party and you said yes but genuinely don’t want to go. Well, you can turn that “yes” into a “no” today.
You can do this. I believe in you! Also congrats on finishing law school last year or thirty years ago or whenever you did that, probably at the University of Being Hot, obviously. Also, remember that dancing baby on Ally McBeal? It still haunts me. I can’t believe they made the brilliant Calista Flockhart do this, yet she nailed it.
After a mishegoss I don't want to BEGIN to go into, we had to replace our refrigerator the week before Christmas.
Because our kitchen is not only small, but a very narrow oblong, the door MUST hinge on the left. If it hinges on the right, you can't get into the refrigerator OR the kitchen. So I made a big huge deal of making ABSOLUTELY SURE that the model we were buying had the kind of door that could be hinged on the left.
Delivery guys (two of them, who speak very limited English) bring the refrigerator in and set it up in the kitchen.
I notice that, you guessed it, the door is hinged on the right. I say to the delivery guy that it needs to be hinged on the left.
He says, "You have to call Costco and make an appointment for that."
I said (calmly but slowly because I didn't want a language barrier), "No, Costco said that this was the price for the refrigerator INSTALLED."
He, while looking directly into my eyes, plugged the refrigerator in, and said, "Now it's installed."
O_o
I probably should have been mad, but that was just so PERFECT that I was awe-stricken, so I just nodded.
PS. Costco did send a guy to reverse the door.
"I feel like everybody in the world is good at being forthright, and I am not."
`
OK, for starters -- no, not EVERYBODY is good at being forthright.
My Mother raised me with a philosophy of "Peace at any price".
It's a bad methodology for relationships, and an absolutely TERRIBLE methodology for any other kind of problem -- trust me, it doesn't do jack shit for the web page that won't load.
Somewhere around early middle age, I figured out that she raised me that way because it was the only method she had, and my Grandfather, who was orphaned at the age of 4, raised HER that way because it was the only method HE had.
It's been goddamn awkward and embarrassing to learn the same kind of coping skills that other people learned in junior high, but what you don't have, you can't give.