Greetings, neighbors! It is your friendly local Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito here. I hope everyone is getting excited for summer cookout season!
Today I wish to address the recent ugliness that has settled like a pall on our neighborhood. I’m speaking, of course, about whomever alerted The New York Times that an upside-down American flag once hung from the flagpole in front of our house mere days after the January 6 tourist gathering at the Capitol that unfortunately got a little out of control.
My wife Mrs. Alito and I were very disappointed that one of our beloved neighbors would bring that incident to the attention of a liberal monstrosity such as the Times. Our home is private property, and whatever symbols indicating hatred for the ruling regime that we choose to display on our lawn like some sort of backwoods militia power couple is no one else’s business. Particularly not an enemy newspaper.
Nonetheless, as I told the Times, I was not involved in hanging the upside-down flag from our flagpole. That was all my beautiful bride, Mrs. Alito, who was in a dispute with one of our lovely neighbors over some crude yard signs he put up slandering our greatest president, Donald Trump.
(Said neighbor shall remain nameless, which I feel is only fair, Dave.)
These signs, you may recall, were very crude signs. At least one used a profanity. This caused Mrs. Alito great distress, for she is a delicate flower who disdains the rough-and-tumble nature of politics. She prefers to spend her time knitting in our solarium, blissfully insulated from the ugliness outside.
PREVIOUSLY!
But those post-January 6 days were ones of great emotion for us, thanks to our deep, deep disappointment in the coward Mike Pence’s actions, or lack thereof. How either of us chooses to express that disappointment is no one else’s business. Particularly not the liberal media’s. To coin a phrase, what happens in this upscale Alexandria neighborhood stays in this upscale Alexandria neighborhood.
While I am here, I would like to clear up a few other neighborhood controversies that have riled our NextDoor group.
I am not responsible for the hideous shade of orange that we painted all our shutters last year. As a busy Supreme Court justice, I do not have time for homecare mundanities. At the time, I was writing a brief granting men legal guardianship of their wives’ uteruses and could not be distracted. Thus I simply waved my hand in approval at whatever paint chips Mrs. Alito was trying to show me. Really, the color was all her decision.
Never let it be said, then, that Samuel Alito disdains a woman’s right to choose!
I am also not responsible for the ’73 Chevy Caprice sitting up on blocks in our driveway. Mrs. Alito’s hobby is restoring classic cars, and she has ignored all my suggestions to do the work in the garage. I’m sure all the husbands in the neighborhood will agree when I say “Women!” Am I right, fellas?
I regret that when she is not knitting or working on restoring that old Caprice, Mrs. Alito often spends her afternoons sitting on the porch and shooting BB guns at the neighborhood children while cackling maniacally. Many of you have asked why I allow this behavior to continue, or don’t have Mrs. Alito committed for evaluation. The answer is simple: I am a busy Supreme Court justice and have no time for such run-of-the-mill issues like Mrs. Alito’s mental health care. That is all Mrs. Alito. If she says she’s fine, then she’s fine.
PREVIOUSLY AGAIN!
I do want to acknowledge the terrible incident last summer and remind everyone that the police never determined who snuck into the Millers’ house late at night and let that rabid ocelot loose in poor little Bobby’s room as punishment for stomping on Mrs. Alito’s petunias. Or whatever the motivation might have been. Mrs. Alito and I send our best wishes to Bobby. We were overjoyed to hear that his latest round of skin grafts was a success.
We hope, however, the Millers will have the decency to keep him inside when he returns from his long hospital stay, as we have a very aesthetically beautiful neighborhood here.
Scratch that. Mrs. Alito and I hope Bobby spends lots of time outdoors after his return, running and playing with all the other children in the neighborhood, all of whom should understand the consequences of stomping petunias that an industrious neighbor worked so hard to cultivate on her own private property, if that is indeed what that ocelot was mad about.
The ear-splitting shrieking that emanates from our house day and night? As you can tell from the higher, more feminine register of the shrieks, those come from my wife, Mrs. Alito. Any suggestion that I, a Supreme Court justice, am screaming in frustration because I cannot get a majority of my colleagues to agree police can summarily execute any criminal immediately upon arrest is a slanderous calumny upon my honor.
WHAAAAT?????
Fred, anytime you want to return our hedge trimmer already would be nice. If your hedges were any neater, I’d assume you were a homosexual. And if you were a homosexual, I would certainly never invite you to our July 4th cookout or loan you our hedge trimmer.
Speaking of our annual cookout, we are so excited that July 4th is right around the corner! We always enjoy spending time with you, our friends and neighbors. Even the Jewish ones! We’re all brothers and sisters of God here. Except the al-Bhagdadis, and I think we all know why.
This year’s cookout theme will be “Tolerance.” As ever, costumes are encouraged. Feel free to come dressed as your favorite constitutional amendment, so long as it is not the Sixth, Eighth, or Fourteenth. Or the Thirteenth. Or the Fifteenth.
Maybe everyone should stick to the First and Second, just to be safe. This isn’t Justice Sotomayor’s house.
As always, Mrs. Alito and I look forward to welcoming all of you to our home on July 4th! We ask only that you be polite and respectful to us. Remember, I can still take away all sorts of rights if you’re not!
And while you’re here, mind the petunias.
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All that I've learned from this episode is that Alito has an awesome liberal neighbor who needs a GoFundMe to buy him ever-larger signs to place on his property facing the Alitos.
Sen. Menendez informs us that it was his wife who accepted all the bribes for the legislation that he advanced. What is it with wives these days?