Immigrant Kids Are So Over This Place

Have you ever met an immigrant? They are so interesting, these people, with their foreign customs (cherry blossom festivals, moon worship, human sacrifice) and rituals (throwing salt over one shoulder for good luck, dancing for good luck, beating their wives for good luck). Liberals greatly enjoy prattling on about how immigrants and their children add a lot to our culture, sometimes even by joining our military industrial complex and fighting on behalf of our oil companies, or perhaps simply by getting into better schools than their fat, slovenly American-born counterparts.

But! Once again, foolish liberals will have to eat their words, because haha, the anchor babies are leaving. So sayeth the New York Times:  

In growing numbers, experts say, highly educated children of immigrants to the United States are uprooting themselves and moving to their ancestral countries. They are embracing homelands that their parents once spurned but that are now economic powers...For generations, the world’s less-developed countries have suffered so-called brain drain — the flight of many of their best and brightest to the West. That has not stopped, but now a reverse flow has begun, particularly to countries like China and India and, to a lesser extent, Brazil and Russia.

How can this be? Why should this be? Well, thanks to the impressive polling resources afforded me by your Wonkette, I have done an in-depth scientific study of the topic and come up with a few clear reasons why these kids are getting the fuck out of Dodge (Dodge = your nation, America.)

1. You ignored them in high school.Sure, Samir was a whiz at math and Yuki could always be counted on to deliver a longer-than-required book report, but were those adequate reasons for not inviting them to your carb-filled American birthday parties and, later, disgusting puke-inducing boozefests? Just because they were quieter and better-behaved than you and your gross buddies didn't mean they didn't want in on cake and kegstands.

2. REAL [fill in the blank] food is so much better in its country of origin.Have you ever watched "No Reservations," the documentary travel program hosted by the weirdly endearing, occasionally slightly sexy Anthony Bourdain? On this show, Anthony goes to various hellholes and consumes their fried muskrats and twice-baked poop pies, and he inevitably has a good time and really enjoys the food. These are delicacies you just can't get unless a wizened old grandmother with gnarled hands and hard-won wisdom makes them in her backyard firepit down by the River Xeruchuxao.

3. Economic prosperity.Yes, jobs are annoying and you have to go every single day, but on the upside, they bring you money and sometimes even professional and personal satisfaction! Some countries are home to things called "growth industries" and "expanding markets," which inevitably lead to "greater employment opportunities." That would possibly be a reason to leave the land in which you dwell. In fact, it's probably the reason your immigrant ancestors came here in the first place! That, and they heard there were no cats in America and the streets were paved with cheese.

4. People in other countries are better-looking.This is especially true in the nation of Brazil, where every single person is astonishingly attractive, but is also true in most other places that are not the United States. Why stick around here with all the uggos when you can go back home and marry your hottest cousin?

These are of course just a few reasons to move out of this fetid cesspool of a republic. I didn't even get to the fact that no one is allowed to go to the doctor and also that money is cooler-looking in other countries. On the upside, now maybe there'll be an open spot at Harvard for your dumb, ugly American child. [ NYT ]