Infowars Guy Can't Believe You All Don't Know The Salem Witches Were Guilty As Hell

Don't pretend you didn't know this day was coming. We all knew.

A lithograph of the Salem witch trials in Massachusetts from 1692.

This day was going to come, eventually.

I’ve been prepared for it for a while. At least since the Right not only started bringing the Satanic Panic back but started claiming that things from that era that we all now know were for sure incredibly untrue were, in fact, 100 percent true. Hell, not too long ago I found the part of Twitter where people still believe the West Memphis Three were guilty and they weren’t even especially political. Not gonna lie, that one broke my brain a little.

As much as I wanted to believe that no one was truly that stupid, I knew deep in my heart that someday, there would be a take explaining the Salem Witch Trials were entirely justified.

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And here we are! Harrison H. Smith of Infowars (natch) took to social media this week to laugh at all us fools out there who thought the Salem “witches” were innocent.

“If you want to know how effective and long-lasting propaganda can be, just think about the fact that 400 years later, people still think the Salem Witches were innocent,” he wrote. Yes, just think about that, indeed. Think about it. Roll it around in your head. The idea that the propaganda was on the side of the accused witches.

“The Myth: Tituba, the servant girl from the West Indies was accused because she was powerless, an outsider with no ability to fight back against her accusers,” he wrote, adding, “The Reality: Tituba literally admitted to practicing witchcraft, summoning a demon, and teaching other girls.”

Yeah … so it’s actually very well-known that Tituba “confessed.” It’s kind of one of the main things anyone knows about the Salem Witch Trials, at least if they had to do The Crucible in junior year of high school (though that’s not exactly a historically accurate portrayal). Tituba was a slave owned by the Reverend Samuel Parris. One day, Parris’s daughter and niece were all, “Oh, we’re not feeling well, we think someone did witchcraft to us,” and a neighbor lady told Tituba to make a “witch cake” (a cake made of flour and … the afflicted girls’ urine) in order to undo the curse. Parris came home and was furious about the witch cakes and beat Tituba until she “confessed” to doing witchcraft, and then did so publicly. Why? Because she was literally enslaved and had no rights.

That’s why she “confessed.” Not because she literally had magic powers and could summon demons — which would be especially difficult to do given that demons are not real. Her choices were to confess or to deny and be beaten more. Or worse. She chose the option less likely to kill her.

I do wonder if Harrison H. Smith knows that there were also werewolf trials throughout Europe — which were like witch trials, except it was men who were accused of turning into wolves at the full moon and eating babies or whatever (like you do).

A depiction of Peter Stumpp, supposed ‘Werewolf of Bedburg’

Does he think there are werewolves, too? Or just witches? What about vampires? Because while there were no witch trials in Rhode Island, because Roger Williams was all about that freedom of religion, there were Mercy Brown, Nelly Vaughn, and Sarah Tillinghast, who were all dead ladies accused of being vampires. Vampires with symptoms suspiciously similar to tuberculosis. In fact, Bram Stoker supposedly based Dracula on the story of Mercy Brown.

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The thing is, even if Tituba or any of the other accused practiced alternative religions or something the townsfolk would have considered “witchcraft,” there would have been nothing wrong with that anyway. Demons aren’t real, but if someone wants to summon a demon, that is their business. A person can’t be “guilty” of witchcraft anymore than they can be “guilty” of being Catholic (though since moving to the Midwest I have met an unusual amount of people who were raised believing that Catholics also did witchcraft, so …).

If Harrison wants to believe that people have magic powers and can summon demons, that’s his prerogative. It’s not less weird, and it should be no more illegal, than believing in pregnant virgins or an all powerful deity who turns people into pillars of salt for looking in the wrong direction. But the propaganda wasn’t that these people were innocent, but that a bunch of weirdos were freaking out believing that they weren’t.

It would be lovely if the Salem Witch Trials could serve as a reminder of the harm and utter stupidity that comes along with moral panics and religious oppression — or if it would provide a check for people wondering if they are doing something very stupid. But then, I suppose, people like Harrison H. Smith would not have jobs.