Is Charlie Kirk The COLOSSAL MAN Of Quitting Masturbating With Mike Johnson's Fave No-Porning Software?
Is Charlie Kirk The COLOSSAL MAN Of Quitting Masturbating With Mike Johnson's Fave No-Porning Software?
You guys, Charlie has declared victory over can't stop masturbating!
We have a lot to talk about in this post, so the two top breaking stories in it are that 1) Charlie Kirk couldn’t stop masturbating to porn but then he started using Covenant Eyes anti-porning software — Mike Johnson’s favorite! — and now he’s hands-free; and 2) Covenant Eyes has a new ad campaign featuring anti-porning superhero Colossal Man, who can’t stop masturbating, and you will never stop laughing.
All right. Let’s go deep.
If you didn’t know that new evangelical creepshow House Speaker Mike Johnson and his teenage son either were or still are each other’s accountabili-buddies in their quests to refrain from masturbating without ceasing, GET AWARE.
As Johnson freely admitted at a Christian conference in his Louisiana hometown — and not because he sat down at a kitchen table and Chris Hansen introduced himself — he and his son are/were using Covenant Eyes software to monitor their own electronic devices to make sure they don’t look at naughty booby peener sins on the internet. If one of them did, the other would be alerted, and we don’t know what happens after that, maybe there is a SWAT team of No Spankin’ cops that shows up or something.
These people are weird.
Covenant Eyes is the software that worked so well for Josh Duggar. (And Charlie Kirk! But we’re getting to that. Be patient, Mr. and Ms. Instant Gratifications!)
As we have discussed, this whole idea of P000OOOO00RN ADDICKTION is kind of a thing that’s centered in the conservative white (male) Christian world. They would say they are the only ones who acknowledge it, and that the heathen secular world is just happy to be addicted to porn and masturbating day and night with their best friend The Devil.
In reality, it’s mostly a them thing.
That’s why if you scratch an evangelical mega-church, it will immediately get a raging boner and direct you up the stairs, down the hall, last door on the right, to the Sunday School classroom that on Tuesday nights is used by the Men’s No-Porning Support Group, where they all take a 90-minute breather from their porning to go talk to each other about their strategies for not porning.
Ready to meet COLOSSAL MAN?
Colossal Man is a real superhero from the Covenant Eyes superhero universe. His superpower is his colossal “strength” and “vision,” and his Kryptonite is playing with his dingle-dangler all day while he watches porn. (If Henry Cavill plays him in the movie, will watch.)
This is Colossal Man’s new video:
What is your favorite part of the adventure?
Where the bad guy comes and SuperCock can’t save the day because the bad guy shows him porn, even though allegedly Batman worked with SuperCock to resist porn? (Doesn’t say which Batman or how they did that, sounds hot though.)
Where he can’t fulfill his SuperCock duties because he’s wearing a blindfold and ends up stepping on a cat? (GET IT?)
Where he’s just literally walking around the city unable to do any SuperCocking because he’s watching porn on his phone?
Where SuperCock figures out the only way to beat off porn is to help a buddy out, and have a buddy help you out?
It’s all amazing.
You are thinking this is surely a joke, a cruel and unfair parody of right-wing Christians. It is not. The Christian Post has a whole entire interview with the CEO of Covenant Eyes to go along with it. It’s about their new Colossal Man ad campaign and all how the conservative Christian dudes — including pastors! — can’t stop ruining all their socks every time they get on the worldwide web.
The CEO also believes Satan personally attacks the Covenant Eyes servers.
(By the way, they’ve been using the Colossal Man character for a while, apparently, but giving him such an elegant superhero cartoon is new. Here’s your entire Colossal Man playlist, if you have some time.)
Now let’s give Charlie Kirk a hand! No, wait, stop! Hands is a slippery slope!
As we have truthfully joked before — mostly for the benefit of any readers who survived the conservative evangelical church and got out — 90 percent of “unspoken” prayer requests offered in small-group teens’ or men’s Bible studies are at least somewhat related to “Please Lord help me stop masturbating.” They may or may not also be asking the Lord for the 100,000th time to please make them stop thinking about other guys when they do it.
But Colossal Man Charlie Kirk ain’t need no unspoken prayer requests! He explained this on the “Covenant Eyes” podcast, which exists. The video appears to have been uploaded about two weeks ago, but we think we’re the first mean and nasty liberals to stumble upon it.
As Charlie explains, he once was lost, because he couldn’t stop masturbating to porns, but now he’s found, he was blind (from whackin’), but now he sees. He has declared victory over porns!
(You don’t do it by beating the top level of cumming, despite what you might have heard from the woke media. You do it with Covenant Eyes!)
It’s 20 minutes long, AKA about the same as a porn video:
We don’t know who Charlie’s accountabili-buddy is, and we don’t want to, unless they have funny stories, in which case OK tell us.
OK, post over, all you porn addicts can get back to it.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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If only they spent as much time on other aspects of Jesus' teachings (of which avoiding porn wasn't one of them), such as "love one another" (TRULY love one another, not the Christian sort of "love"), "turn the other cheek", "for when you did to the least of these, you did to me" (talking about helping others, especially the needy, disenfranchised and under-privileged sort of others), and had superheroes actually championing such aspects, they might just be able to assemble (pun intended) an actual cast to rival the JLA or Avengers.
This is so very weird.