Is Elon Getting Top Secret China War Briefing Today, Or Is That ILLEGAL LEAK OF LIES?
Where the Teslas come from!
Can’t imagine anything going wrong with this.
The New York Times reports that the Pentagon planned today for Elon Musk — currently the world’s richest man, who bought the presidency for Donald Trump, who secretly jibber-jabbers with Vladimir Putin about fuck-knows-what, and who is right now terrorizing the federal government like a ketamine-fueled nerdass version of Osama bin Laden — to get a top secret briefing on the US’s most closely guarded secret plans for what the country is going to do if war with China breaks out.
Now that this news has been reported — and not just by the Times — all the liars from Donald Trump on down are screaming AIYEEEEEE FAKE NEWS!
So that’s reassuring.
Would this be fine, if it were to happen? Haha fuck no.
Does Elon Musk even have a security clearance? Hahaha, national security secrets aren’t a concern in Donald Trump’s America! And yes, sure, he has a clearance, says the Times! Sure why not!
What time will Beijing find out what Elon finds out, assuming he finds out anything interesting? Hahahahahahahaha! Hold on, let us do some math. Alexa, what time is it in Beijing?
Wouldn’t this be kind of weird, considering Elon has all these sweet contracts with the US government AND ALSO Tesla is basically a Chinese car company that happens to be controlled by a South African-born apartheid pubesack who now has American citizenship and somehow also is holding the American presidency by the balls? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
Is Elon going to bring his spawn to the Pentagon with him, the one he always places on his shoulders as a prop? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Every country in the world is more serious than the United States right now.
The Times cites two officials who said Thursday that Elon was getting the secret China war briefing. Official number three said the briefing was to be about China, but kept it vague. Official number four just said Elon’s coming to the Pentagon.
Donald Trump said last night on Truth Social that this is all fake news! “China will not even be discussed.” (He is a pathological liar.)
(Trump also said last night on Truth Social that “Egg prices are WAY DOWN from the Biden inspired prices if just a few weeks ago.” We all hated the “Biden inspired” egg prices. He added that the price of “groceries” is also down, and he put “groceries” in quotes like that, like he still thinks it’s some exotic loan word that’s only recently entered the lexicon.)
Anyway, will the briefing happen as scheduled? New York Times says unclear now. Because they got caught? Perhaps because at least four government officials ran screaming to the New York Times like JESUS FUCK LISTEN TO THIS SHIT?
Dunno.
The Times lays out, in as gentlemanly terms as possible, how fucked up this would be:
It would […] bring into sharp relief the questions about Mr. Musk’s conflicts of interest as he ranges widely across the federal bureaucracy while continuing to run businesses that are major government contractors. In this case, Mr. Musk, the billionaire chief executive of both SpaceX and Tesla, is a leading supplier to the Pentagon and has extensive financial interests in China.
Uh huh yeah.
By the way, we should note that Tesla sales are tanking in China right now, for reasons completely unrelated to why they’re tanking in other places. It has to do with Chinese EV company BYD, which among other things has announced it can charge your car in five minutes. Read all about that here and how fucked Tesla suddenly is in China here.
So that’s a whole other angle to this. Elon Musk is maybe getting the secret Chinese war plan right the second the proverbial panels are flying off the Teslas in China. (The non-proverbial panels are flying off the Cybertrucks — they used the wrong glue, doy doy doy doy doy! — which is why they all just got recalled in America.)
Would Musky McClownDick be getting this briefing directly from Secretary Shitfaced? Nah, probably not, Pete Hegseth just started getting this particular briefing last week — we’re sure he understands it really well, what with his military experience and and world knowledge and brains, wait LOL — but Defense Department spox Sean Parnell released a statement saying that “The Defense Department is excited to welcome Elon Musk to the Pentagon on Friday. He was invited by Secretary Hegseth and is just visiting.”
It’s probably just a tourist visit! Don’t worry!
Parnell also said on Twitter that it is “brazenly & maliciously wrong” that Elon is getting the secret China war briefing. Secretary Shitfaced also swore to White Nationalist Jesus on Twitter that Elon is not getting the secret China briefing.
Sounds like a par-tay!
So our educated hypothesis on this remains “got caught, deny, deny, deny.” (Adding support to that hypothesis is that Elon is now whining and promising that “those at the Pentagon who are leaking maliciously false information” will be prosecuted. How does one “leak” maliciously false information, praytell, Mr. South African nepo dipfuck?)
The Times notes that the Wall Street Journal also independently confirmed that Elon was invited for the China Secrets briefing, and adds in the very next paragraph “Whatever the meeting will now be about …” as a transition phrase. So that’s funny. Also funny? Josh Marshall notes that the Wall Street Journal confirmed the story after Trump denied it.
Haha!
But yeah no, the Times has the names of which officials were supposed to give Elon the China secrets and where. They also give their best college try at coming up with a hypothesis for a truly legitimate reason Elon might need the China war plan secrets:
If Mr. Musk and his team of cost cutters from the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, want to trim the Pentagon budget in a responsible way, they may need to know what weapons systems the Pentagon plans to use in a fight with China.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha, we bet it is EXACTLY that, for sure.
The rest of the Times article is 1,000 paragraphs about all the possible ways this could be fucked up, from Starlink satellite reasons to defense contractor reasons; to conflict-of-interest reasons; to SpaceX reasons; to Musk and Tesla beholden to Chinese government reasons; to reasons related to how Musk has been under investigation by the Pentagon inspector general related to noncompliance with his security clearance, investigations that started “after some SpaceX employees complained to government agencies that Mr. Musk and others at SpaceX were not properly reporting contacts or conversations with foreign leaders.”
But it’s fine, because Elon isn’t getting that briefing, because Donald Trump and his stable of intelligent tellers of truth said so, therefore we shouldn’t worry, because they’re not worried, and besides Elon Musk is a good person who makes good cars and rockets and is only doing everything he’s doing right now because he loves America so much.
Yep.
Oh! We have a question we forgot to ask above!
Are Democrats going to raise bloody hell about this, and are all the Republicans who are constantly screaming about China going to maybe have a problem with it?
Hahahahahahahahahahaha! This has been a blog post of laughing!
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…I regret not writing a stronger cocktail for today.
Remember every time America elected (or at least the Electoral College elected) a president who was as dumb as a sack of hammers, his apologists would always say it's no big deal if he's an idiot, because he'll have smart, capable people in his top cabinet positions? Well this isn't that.