Is Mitch McConnell Dead? A Wonkvestigation!

Probably maybe? So what are you cooking for dinner?

Join us for an exploration of the question all of Washington is asking these days: Is Mitch McConnell dead? Has he expired and gone to meet his maker? Is he no more? Is he bereft of life and living in peace? Is he, to further steal an old Monty Python bit, an ex-turtle?

Nobody knows! It’s one of those giant Washington mysteries. McConnell’s office and associates have been black holes as far as information is concerned. You’d get more of an answer if you asked his fellow Republican senators if any of them had read Donald Trump’s latest tweets, which they always claim to have not done, and therefore they have no comment on his announcement he is nominating his 3-iron to be his new National Security Advisor, thank you for the question but we’re running late for a vote.

The rumors about McConnell’s health and possible demise have been flying for three weeks, ever since he was first hospitalized. Our initial assumption was that he had been found lying on his back, unable to turn over, his stubby four legs waving helplessly in the air like out-of-control windsocks.

But no, McConnell was supposedly found unconscious in his Washington DC home. A tape of a 911 call dug up by an indie journalist named Desiree Townsend indicated he had been found in cardiac arrest and paramedics were performing CPR. All his office would say is that he was receiving good care and recovering. No word on a diagnosis, a prognosis, whether he’s conscious or comatose, or whether, to again paraphrase Monty Python, he’s hooked up to the machine that goes Bing!

His wife even flew to China a few days after he was struck down by his mysterious illness, though that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Possibly she just hates him.

There was a time when a normal politician would have at least released a proof-of-life photo by now, or a statement that he supposedly wrote himself, or had one of his doctors talk to the press, or called into Laura Ingraham’s show to proclaim himself alive. But this is Mitch McConnell, the politician who has done more than anyone else the last decade aside from Donald Trump to banish our quaint notions of normal.

The result of playing this information blackout game is that the vacuum leads to speculation and hysterical demands for information. MAGA figures are supposedly demanding to know McConnell’s status. Known lunatic Laura Loomer claims to have sources telling her that McConnell is a vegetable (her word). She also claims Republicans are covering up McConnell’s condition because they want to “Fuck Trump and not pass the Save America Act.” Which is sort of true, they don’t have the votes to pass the SAVE Act on even a straight majority.

The GOP senators would also need to nuke the filibuster first to pass SAVE whether McConnell is sentient or not, which none of them want to do. Fucking Trump (ewwwwwwwwwww) is sort of a bonus.

Steve Bannon, who is no slouch in the conspiracy department, was one of quite a few people to claim that the Republican Party is hiding McConnell’s death so that Kentucky’s Democratic Gov. Andy Beshear can’t call a special election to fill the seat for the rest of McConnell’s term.

Why wouldn’t Beshear simply name someone to fill the seat and spare the state the bother of an election when McConnell has already announced his retirement and his successor will be chosen in November? Because the GOP-controlled Legislature, afraid Beshear would appoint a Democrat and seeing that McConnell’s health was already failing, passed a law in 2024 specifically for this scenario. While it used to be the law in Kentucky that the governor had to appoint someone from the same party as the departed, now they can’t appoint anyone at all. No Thomas Massies just pretending to be Cro Magnon Republicans. Special Election or bust!

Of course, McConnell could have saved everyone all this angst if he had retired well before the age of 84, but this is the Senate. The only way anyone seems to leave it anymore is feet first and covered by a sheet.

Speaking of other Senators, is Mike Lee the dumbest one? It’s such stiff competition:

MAGA Utah Sen. Mike Lee has rejected speculation that lawmakers are complicit in trying to hide McConnell’s condition from the public.

“Many of us aren’t speaking about Mitch McConnell’s condition because we know nothing about his condition,” Lee wrote in reply to a MAGA X account suggesting that senators are “all in on it together.”

Lee is either saying he’s being kept in the dark by Senate leaders, or he’s saying he’s completely unconcerned about whether McConnell is dead. If it’s the former, the speculation is only going to get louder.

McConnell’s Senate colleagues John Thune and John Barrasso claim to have spoken to him a couple of times. So has CNN pundit Scott Jennings. But Jennings is a professional liar whose continued employment and visibility depend on his willingness to lie so baldly that if there was an Olympics for lying, he’d claim gold before the competition opened.

On the other hand, we can’t know for sure. Maybe Scott Jennings has a ouija board in his office.

In summary, Mitch McConnell might be dead. Or he might not be dead. Opinions differ.

OPEN THREAD.

[Daily Beast / CNN]

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