Is Trump Trying To Grab Robert Mueller By The Pussy And Take Him Furniture Shopping?

Would this work on you?

We've seen this movie-film before:

President Trump has publicly called the widening federal investigation into Russia's election meddling a "witch hunt." But through his lawyer, Trump has sent private messages of "appreciation" to special counsel Robert Mueller.

"He appreciates what Bob Mueller is doing,'' Trump's chief counsel John Dowd told USA TODAY in an interview Tuesday. "He asked me to share that with him and that's what I've done.''

Trump's legal team has been in contact with Mueller's office, and Dowd says he has passed along the president's messages expressing “appreciation and greetings’’ to the special counsel.

“The president has sent messages back and forth,’’ Dowd said, declining to elaborate further.

Appreciation! Jolly greetings! Trying to fuck with Robert Mueller's head and keep him on his twinkle toes! Sucking up! Maybe if Trump invites him to the White House for a little private Pussgrab 'n' Chill, Mueller will see what a great guy he is, send his grand juries home, and drop the Trump-Russia investigation entirely, or at the very least clear Trump of all crimes past, present and future!

IT. WON'T. WORK. (And frankly, John Dowd is making himself look mighty bad in relaying these messages.)

Did it work when Trump was calling U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara (who happened to be prosecuting a massive case involving Russian fraud, a case that JUST IN A CO-WINKY-DINK happened to be linked to the sanctions placed on Trump's beloved Russia) on the Obamaphone all the time, trying to "cultivate a relationship" with him by telling him what a good boy he was and assuring him his job was safe? But then, sadface, Bharara wouldn't return Trump's phone calls, so the president, rejected and full of sadness, rage-fired Bharara and a whole passel of other U.S. attorneys on the same day.

Did it work on the several occasions Trump tried to use his celebrity charms to grab FBI Director James Comey by the pussy and take him furniture shopping, most notably when he asked Comey to stay in the Oval Office with him for some alone time and, according to the "Dear Diary, I Am Feeling A Little Creeped Out Right Now" memo Comey wrote just afterward, tried to sweet-talk Comey into killing the FBI's investigation into Michael Flynn? Did it work when Trump invited Comey for a little private White House dinner, wooing him with his finest burnt steak bricks and ice cream scoops, in order to get a loyalty oath out of him?

No, it didn't goddamned work because this is not a scene out of the classless, low-rent New York real estate mafia movie that was Donald Trump's life before January of this year. This is the United States government and these are career public servants, for God's sake, and they are not impressed with Trump's misshapen facehole trying to be charming and cute.

But we guess Trump will have to learn that the hard way, and then he'll have to learn it the hard way with somebody after that, and then somebody after that, because he's dumb as dogshit.

Unfortunately, since we've seen this movie before, we know how it ends, with Trump trying to figure out a way to do the the Saturday Night Massacre to Robert Mueller. Hopefully Congress is serious about kicking Trump's ass when he does.

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[ USA Today ]