I've Just Learned About Pearl Harbor, What The Hell Was That About?
By President Donald J. Trump
Asked by a Japanese journalist why the US had not warned its allies it was going to strike Iran on 28 February, Trump referenced the 1941 Japanese attack on US soil.
“Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Why didn’t you tell me about Pearl Harbor?,” Trump said as the prime minister appeared to be opening her eyes wide and taking a deep breath.
Why didn’t you tell me about Pearl Harbor?
No, I’m asking. Why didn’t anyone tell me about Pearl Harbor? I was surprised, because I’ve been there and it didn’t look like all those pictures Susie just showed me in the Oval Office. They’ve cleaned it up very nicely.
Sanae, did you know Japan once bombed our big beautiful Pearl Harbor? They came in with those planes and torpedoes and blew up a hell of a lot of our guys. It was nasty stuff. No one could believe what they were seeing. With all the smoke and the fire. You hit us hard, but I guess you had to do it.
You wouldn’t believe how good it looks now, though. They’ve cleaned up all the debris, I guess, which is good. I said you should build nicer-looking airplane hangars. What’s with these ugly things? They said sir, they are hardened against enemy attacks, sir. I said who’s going to attack a US Navy base? Little did I know, huh?
Our navy bases are the greatest in the world. No one is even close. All the big soldiers they’ve got with their guns, all the ships and the weapons. They’ll do rough stuff to you. No woke. We got all the woke out of the military. I said Pete, get it outta here, and it’s gone.
But the base is all clean now. They’re building all new airplane hangars. I said, I build, that’s what I’m best at in life. Fellas, I can do much better than this. I’m gonna build you the most beautiful airplane hangars. I rebuilt the entire military my first term, I’ll do hangars in the second. And they’ll be done in a very short time. You’ll be very happy.
So they built the hangars, and it’s going faster than anyone thought possible. I said I was in construction for a lotta years, I know how to build. You guys won’t be able to attack us so good next time. Sneak right up.
Ha, I’m just kidding. We’re great friends now, and I have so many great friends in Japan. I love Japan!
And we won, eventually. Sure, you got some of ours, we got some of yours. The Bataan Death March, that wasn’t so good. Douglas MacArthur, remember him? Old General MacArthur. But I guess the United States bombed Japan with the nuclear. But we’re friends now, right? Of course we are. I love this lady.
Hawaii’s a beautiful place though, isn’t it? And they love Trump. I won it all three times, did you know that? I said, Hawaii? Where all the coconuts are? And they said, sir, people in Hawaii are MAGA, sir. Bigly MAGA. They love the hats, it’s the number-one-selling hat in all the islands. I said well, let’s do a rally there. That’s where Barack HUSSEIN Obama is from, Hawaii, did you know that, Sanae? Barack HUSSEIN Obama. You never had to deal with him, did you? Barack HUSSEIN Obama. What a beauty.
Oh, great golf courses in Hawaii. I played one called Hapuna, I think it was called Hapuna. Arnold Palmer designed it. Arnie, we called him. His wife called him something else, if you know what I mean. Well, you had to see him in a locker room to know what I mean. Big guy, Arnie. Hell of a golfer. Let’s just say his wife was a very happy woman, okay?
I have a hotel there, too. Or I did. It’s called something else now, I’m not sure what. They said they don’t want to be with Trump anymore. They want some Hawaiian name. C’monIwanna layya or something. That’s a little joke for the fake news, it drives them crazy when I say this stuff. But no one builds better hotels.
And our great Director of National Intelligence! Tulsi Gabbard. Have you seen Tulsi? She’s from Hawaii. Used to be a Democrat, but then she got smart. She’s making sure our elections are secure. We don’t want any illegals voting in our elections. I bet you don’t have that problem in Japan. Where are all the illegals in the Mideast going? Europe. It’s so much closer, right? Not Japan. They’re not even going to have a Europe anymore, that keeps up.
You see her, you say aloha. Aloha. She loves that. All right?
But yeah, that attack. Real tough stuff. And the world was so black and white. If you shot all those movies today, the world is all color. When did that happen anyway, do you know? The color? The 1960s, maybe?
I don’t remember. And I have a great memory. That’s why I’m such great friends with you in China.
Japan. Japan and China. Kind of the same thing, when you think about it. Maybe you should all combine into one country. I’ve always said that would make sense. Because you’re so close together, aren’t you?
Anyway. Maybe next time we’ll meet in Hawaii. I’ll show you my new hangars.
[BBC]
Wonkette survives thanks to the generous support of our readers. Click the clickie if you’d like to donate.
I remember the story of Piggy going to Japan in the early 90s and he leaked to the press that Michael Jackson was going to be on the plane with him.
So there's a huge press contingent at the airport when he turns up at Narita and he tells his entourage of shithounds to step back because they want to see him.
Of course they don't - they want to see MJ - so they don't take any pictures and just leave.
That hit him hard. He was inconsolable for a day. Then (and this is a real fucking story) they got some McDonalds in him and he perked up. Someone told him that Japan had an Emperor and he's all "get him on the phone! I'll go see him!" like he's someone.
So one of his flunkies did that and a representative for Akihito was nice enough not to say "New phone who dis?" but instead said "If you submit a list of questions you'd like to ask the Emperor we'll get back to you within a year". Piggy has always thought he was someone.
He's such a pathetic, preening little shit.
Idiots made him someone and that burns me every day.
With a heavy heart I report the passing of Jon Gross, known here as Furry Caterwauling.
I inquired via DM and his brother responded:
"This is Jon's brother. Jon passed away on March 16."
He was a good man and will be missed.