Jacob Wohl Spits Up Own Dick Again

'He's got a Starbucks caramel frappuccino,' said Wohl, thus proving that the guy who actually never accused Pete Buttigieg of sexual assault was totally for real, you guys.

If you'll remember, the last time Jacob Wohl and his ... roommate? ... Jack Burkman threw a press conference, it was for their fake Robert Mueller sexual assault accuser who was gonna show up, except she decided not to, and then she later admitted it was completely made up.

Today's press conference about Pete Buttigieg's "accuser" (read: not actually accuser) Hunter Kelly went worse. Way worse.

Maybe this tweet from Daily Beast reporter Lachlan Markay tells the whole story:

That'll be enough from you, young man!

Except it wasn't .

Because the young man -- whose debunking of the made-up Pete Buttigieg assault story that Wohl and Burkman flew him to DC to try to convince him to tell ended up becoming the story before the fake story had a chance to become the story -- also released a statement today, which Daily Beast reporter Will Sommer tweeted out:  

"I wish I could be there to watch the embarrassment that is going to take place."

And oh, how it seems to have taken place!

Sommer live-tweeted the experience, much as one live-tweets a crazy person repeatedly spitting up their own dick, and well, it just looks like it was glorious:

I’m here at the Jacob Wohl / Jack Burkman press conference, which is being held in a driveway. https: //t.co/Nd55OeSGJM

— Will Sommer (@Will Sommer) 1557322919.0 

Good press conference, bro. Wanna come inside and play Mario Kart?

As for Buttigieg "accuser" Hunter Kelly's truly regrettable absence:

But the show must go on!

Except there was a garbage truck. 

A loud one.

But it finished collecting the trash! OR DID IT? Because we can clearly see Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman in this pic Sommer tweeted out:

Those were some bad garbagemen.

Anyway, we like the podium at the very top of the stairs, and the video screen on the landing, which Sommer tweeted was used for Wohl to show camera footage of the "accuser," which proves that the "accuser" is legit, because he was drinking a caramel frappuccino. Assuming Sommer got the quote right, Wohl said, "Most forced coercion events ... do not involve caramel frappuccinos." We do not want to know what in Jacob Wohl's life led him to say " most forced coercion events" instead of " all forced coercion events," which leaves Wonkette wondering if there are " some forced coercion events" Wohl is aware of that DO INDEED involve caramel frappuccinos.

Perhaps at the hipster coffee shop.

Anyway, their point, as Sommer reports, was that in Hunter Kelly's telling of the story, after he had awakened at Burkman's house (where we are guessing Wohl lives now too?) to find that Wohl and Burkman had created fake social media accounts in his name where Fake Hunter Kelly was telling Fake Stories about Real Pete Buttigieg, he said he really wanted to get the fuck out of there. BUT NOT BEFORE HE HAD CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO, YOUR HONOR!

This obviously proves that Hunter Kelly is a big liar who breathes caramel-smelling lies!

Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman are now complaining that their fake accuser made them pay for a “very expensive” haircut.

— Will Sommer (@Will Sommer) 1557325197.0 

And then there was the part where these dipshits threatened to sue the Daily Beast for $100 million dollars, for accurately reporting on Wohl's latest failed attempts to gin up fake sexual assault allegations against a public figure. They said today that the Daily Beast has until "high noon" on Friday to respond! To Jacob Wohl's mom's cell phone. 

Anyway, it sounds like Wohl and Burkman really were feeling the success of their latest mission, because Sommer reports they ended their "press conference" with Burkman suggesting that his house -- yes, his house -- was going to be the "center of 2020," because all the Democratic presidential candidates were going to have to go to there and get vetted, so they could receive the "Wohl-Burkman Seal of Approval." And if Kamala and Beto and Bernie and the others don't show up?

DESTRUCTION WILL BE UPONETH THEM!

You know, like happened to Robert Mueller and Pete Buttigieg.

 
 media0.giphy.com 

Oh, did we tell you about how there was supposed to be a big protest against this driveway "press conference," but that didn't happen, because actually the event page for the protest was linked to Jacob Wohl'smom's cell phoneemail address, which sure sounds like it means Jacob Wohl set up a protest against Jacob Wohl in order to beg for attention for Jacob Wohl?

So that happened. Or rather, we should say, it didn't happen.

What have we learned, class? Besides the thing about how Hunter Kelly had a caramel frappuccino?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Have an OPEN THREAD.

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