Jeb! Bush Promises Not To Sleep Through Next Debate

Maybe she's just resting her eyes

With the next Republican primary debate coming up on Wednesday, Jeb! Bush is looking to present a more exciting profile than he has previously, vowing to increase his energy level to show his supporters that he really is a zippy kind of fellow. Campaign insiders indicate that Bush hopes to notch all the way up to from "listless" to at least "lethargic," possibly through the use of methamphetamine.

Initially stung when Trump, 69, pinned the "low-energy" label on him, Bush is taking a two-prong approach, joking about it and showing more fire on the campaign trail. He plans to take a more aggressive tack at the debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California.

"If someone comes at me, bam! I'll come back at 'em," he said in Salem, smacking a fist into a palm. "I'll campaign hard.

Now there's a man who's fixin' to brawl.

Unfortunately for Jeb, there are a couple problems with this plan. The first is that he had to announce it. The other is that he is a Bush, and when Bushes aim for "energetic," they more often come off as "flaky" -- remember when Poppy replied to an accusation that he didn't have the manhood to apologize for fibbing about Walter Mondale? "Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time." Or when Dubya's first reaction to the 9/11 attacks was to vow that we'd "hunt down and to find those folks who committed this act"? (At least Barack Obama was Real Man enough to eventually get that fella.) Bush men don't do "high energy." They do "yappy" or "petulant" just fine, though, so we're looking forward to the new, more thrill-oriented Jeb. His handlers will have to be careful he doesn't make too many little "eep" noises when they poke him with a stick.

Maybe he can amp things up with a revision to his campaign logo:

 
 That oughta do the trick

Reuters notes that while Jeb is trying to overcome his own "wimp factor," his handlers have:

... regularly reached out to the Bush donor class to offer updates and reassurances about their candidate's position. Their message: Be patient and don't panic.

Their belief is that the Trump storm will eventually blow over and that Bush is well positioned, armed with policy ideas, a can-do spirit and financial backing, to rise to the top.

All they need to do is overcome the perception that he's yet another Bush, which should be pretty easy considering how he keeps hiring people from this father's and brother's administrations, and saying things like " mission accomplished" and how the presidenthas to be "a decider." But other than that, and constantly making everyone think maybe Shrub was the smart one after all, he's doing great.

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We can hardly wait for Wednesday. Maybe to prove he's a fighter, Jeb! will have himself wheeled out in a Hannibal Lecter mask before being unleashed on the debate stage.

[ Reuters ]