Jeffrey Epstein’s Best Friend Being Such A Pube! Tabs, Tues., Aug. 12, 2025
Epstein Epstein Epstein.
Morning, es tabs!
Boy, it sounds like Jeffrey Epstein’s friend Donald Trump got a really bad court ruling yesterday in his latest desperate attempt to keep everybody from finding out all the ways he shows up in the Epstein files! Total Epstein Guy Trump must just be really embarrassed about what’s in there! What is it, do the Epstein files show Trump reading Hitler speeches in the corner at Epstein’s house or something? Ha ha, doubt it, because “reading.” [CNN]
Speaking of “reading,” Trump, in the middle of a white supremacist rant against Rep. Jasmine Crockett, bragged yet again about how he allegedly aced that dementia test where you have to correctly identify “camel.” He’s prouder of that than he is of anything!
Secretary Shitfaced went on the Laura Ingraham show last night to (he thinks) sound like a tough guy about Donald Trump attacking DC to distract from the Epstein files and, of course, to avenge the honor of dearly beloved Big Balls, who got beat up by a 15-year-old girl and also a 15-year-old boy. Of course, as usual when it comes to white racist misogynists with severe daddy/masculinity issues, Hegseth just made it all look even more pathetic.
Check Aaron’s thread for more of the interview!
So the new guy Trump is picking to make up labor statistics that mash at his G-spot and make him feel like the Smartest Hitler Since The OG Hitler is the head economist for the Heritage Foundation, EJ Antoni, and all credible sources suggest he’s fucking stuuuuuuupid. It goes without saying but we can never trust any numbers or statistics from the United States government ever again. Hopefully we can fill in some of the gaps by getting numbers from Europe and so forth! (Not that it will help us with things like US labor statistics or anything like that.) [JoeMyGod]
This actual economy-understander has been going ham on Antoni’s record on BlueSky:
That dumb reprobate ass cancer named Kim Davis, Kentucky county clerk, still exists, and she is asking the Supreme Court this fall to hear the appeal of her whiny ass “Waaaaaah, I’m persecuted!” case, which directly petitions the Court to overturn Obergefell. Think this illegitimate partisan hack court will take it? Wanna gamble on it? [ABC News]
Oh nothing, just a Laura Loomer deposition where she talks at length about Marjorie Taylor Greene having roast beef in her pants. Arby’s sandwiches, specifically.
BOLGER: So what is your basis for saying she had Arby’s in her pants?
LOOMER: Because I know she likes to eat at Arby’s.
BOLGER: And she likes to put it in her pants; you know that?
LOOMER: Yeah.
BOLGER: She puts Arby’s in her pants?
LOOMER: Yeah. She does.
BOLGER: Okay. If I ask Marjorie Taylor Greene, she would tell you that she puts Arby’s in her pants?
LOOMER: I—it’s my best belief that she would tell you that. Yes.
BOLGER: Okay. Are you making a derogatory comment about her sex life by talking about Arby’s in her pants?
LOOMER: No. I’m talking about Arby’s, the sandwiches. I’m talking about Arby’s. I would—I’m a very direct person. If I was making a derogatory comment, I would have said it.
Yeah, yep, OK. Will Sommer has more! [deposition / Will Sommer]
Wonkette had a piece on it Monday too, but at my Friday place, I went up one side and down the other on Pete Hegseth’s sick fuck Christian nationalist Bible guru Doug Wilson and all his delightful thoughts on slavery, criminalizing homosexuality and oh yeah, taking the right to vote from women. We can’t look away from anything right now, but we really can’t look away from this one, because these people are literally demonic, and they’re fucking organized. Anyway, if you haven’t subscribed yet, DO THAT. [The Moral High Ground]
Bad news, but it sounds like Donald Trump’s envoy to the despots, Steve Witkoff, is also kind of a fucking moron, and we just don’t know if President Art Of The Deal will be able to negotiate A Deal with Vladimir Putin over Ukraine if Witkoff is making stupid idiot translation mistakes like this:
We are also skeptical of Trump’s dealmaking abilities because he is Putin’s bitch and Putin knows it. And he’s bad at deals. And he’s very stupid.
Missouri GOP Rep. Eric Burlison says that the Smithsonian is hiding the bones of Bible giants and guess what? It’s true. Sorry you had to hear it from Wonkette, but how did you think this website had lasted 20 years? That’s right, fueled by Bible giant bones from the Smithsonian. [JoeMyGod]
MOVIE RECOMMENDATION: Watched a movie for the first time, I think it’s definitely going places as movies go, it came out in 1957, it’s called The Bridge On The River Kwai. [how to watch]
Chappell Roan’s new song is pretty great. You can hear a few significant influences — I’m hearing a couple specific bands from the late ‘80s/early ‘90s — but it’s not done crassly.
Speaking of being able to hear a couple specific influences from that time period, done especially well, this song has been one of my jams this week.
OK, more stories when Wonkette feels like writing more about Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend Adolf “Donald Trump” Hitler.
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Heart-boop! Your hed gif source info: https://martiniambassador.substack.com/p/heart-nosed-babydoll
And meme chat: https://open.substack.com/chat/posts/6a80b4cf-69b1-4bec-99f1-b6f35a2c225f?utm_source=share
I mean, it sounds kind of crazy to claim that there’s a vast conspiracy of government museums hiding evidence of giants having roamed the Earth, but then when you hear the explanation that the giants were the offspring of angels impregnating human females (with clarification necessary, because impregnating the males would be icky), well, it all makes sense now, doesn’t it?
I do not apologize for the length of this sentence.