Jesse Watters Thinks China Has Sex Tape Of Tim Walz, Which Sounds Correct
China has a well-known boner for Midwestern social studies teachers.
Jesse Watters is going around the bend again, y’all. Or is he?
Last night, before Tim Walz got up to give his speech, Jesse was talking on TV, and he said:
What if the Chinese have a Tim Walz sex tape?
Ope!
And their surveillance tape, and, you know, he was over there on the honeymoon,
You mean after Tim Walz got married on the anniversary of Tiananmen Square, like all young communists do? And immediately China was like “Spies! Quick! There’s an American social studies teacher who might become vice president someday! ROLL TAPE!”
unless he didn't get lucky on the honeymoon, who knows?
Jesse Watters “courted” his now-wife, whom he met while he was married to his previous wife, by letting the air out of her car tires in order to trick her into getting in his car.
Seemed like a good time to remind folks how Jesse Watters gets “lucky.”
Also, do these people really want to play “Who had sex most recently with their spouse?” with our candidates vs. their candidates?
But they could use that as leverage. They could say, "Harris, drop the tariffs or the sex tape of Walz leaks."
It’s becoming a refrain, but these MAGA perverts and creeps aren’t shedding the “weird” label any time soon.
So last night was Sex Night at the DNC, speaking of sex tapes.
Here is a sex tape of Maryland Governor Wes Moore:
“Wes Moore can crash his container ship into my bridge, and I mean that as a sex innuendo,” we tweeted. It was a very good tweet, you’ll see when you watch the speech.
Also we meant it.
Speaking of people who make the trains run on time in America’s pants, Moore was followed by Secretary Mayor Pete, who was really good at this, as usual:
And then John Legend played Prince and that was the point where it was like OK, wow, this is literally Sex Night at the DNC, Jesus, what are you trying to do to us?
Nice and horny DNC, everyone!
In related news, we don’t know if JD Vance deflowered any furniture today, so don’t say you heard it from Wonkette, because we just said we don’t know.
[h/t Media Matters]
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Just to make things absolutely clear, Watters thinks that it would be an embarrassing revelation if a newlywed couple had sex with each other on their honeymoon.
Is it just me or is that ... weird?
I got married on Earth Day, so a bunch of guys from Greenpeace and some pervert bunnies have my honeymoon sex tape, OF COURSE.