One of the major projects of today’s TheoBros has been a reimagining of Jesus as a macho, macho man instead of some wimp who went around healing the sick, feeding the poor and telling people to turn the other cheek. A super-tough, muscle-bound Jesus who would totally love Donald Trump and capitalism and MMA and beating up nerds, probably. This new image of Jesus has taken off quite a bit since it was popularized by the famously scammy “evangelical bad boy” Mark Driscoll back in the mid-2000s. The “concern” at that time was that men were rejecting Christianity because Jesus had become too “feminized” and not at all like their favorite action heroes. Also because they were probably pretty sick of people pointing out that his whole “healing the sick and feeding the poor and not even charging them any money for it” thing made him sound, well, kind of like a big ol’ commie.
However, no one could ever truly prove the existence of Macho Jesus. Well, no one until a fella named Gabe Poirot had a very bad skateboarding accident and went into a coma for 18 days, during which he hung out with a very macho Jesus — just like, he says, everyone else he’s ever met who has died, gone to heaven and come back.
As he explained to former Trump spox Kayleigh McEnany, who asked him how his life had changed since his “experience:”
Now with every single person I meet I tell them of the love of Christ and that he did it all for them and he, he died and rose again And also I love how you know, all these other testimonies they didn’t meet a female Jesus they didn’t meet a soft or a passive Jesus. Jesus is a man.
And especially in America he’s been misrepresented. And, and especially even, you know there’s so many cultural things that present him as if as if he’s some just tolerant guy. It’s not the Jesus I met. He’s a lion. But he’s not a lion angry against me, he’s a lion angry for me. He’s a mustang on my behalf. He did it all for me.
Asked what Jesus looked like, he said:
Pure fire. He was 5’11”, like six feet yet as tall as eternity hit, like an ocean of love yet his eyes were burning white and red at the same time and I mean, talk about testosterone, like a mustang, I’m telling you. He’s the Lion of Judah and there’s a roar within his voice.
Just like Katy Perry! Or like Satan, with that whole burning white and red eyes thing. Heck, maybe it was Satan and this Poirot is just not very good at picking up clues? (SORRY)
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Poirot, it seems, is a pretty big influencer on the very Christian side of the internet and makes lots of videos about how the end times are a-coming and how there is a whole nursery in heaven of kids and babies waiting for their parents.
Oh, also he wants you to know that Heaven is not communist! Some people have more and some people have less, just like how we like things here on earth. Isn’t that nice?
It’s very nice, yes.
OPEN THREAD.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
Harry from an angle you usually don’t see, he has a wee crooked moustache.
https://substack.com/profile/155618292-ziggywiggy/note/c-353743939?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2knfuc
Gabe P looks like he is made out of raw bread dough.