Jewdy Jewliani, Better Jew Than You!

Would have said 'better Jew than JEW' like my dad imitating Billy Crystal, but you might not have gotten it.

First, my darlings, a disclaimer: I was converted to Judaism as a baby so I could have the benefit of both my parents' faiths. My mom stopped taking me to Hebrew school around 1983, which is, MATH, at least 15 years ago now, when all the little children gathered around the warm black and white glow of the TV, playing Pong. Last night, lighting the candles on the first menorah I have ever owned because my husband bought me one at Target three days ago, I made it *just about all the way through* the prayer over the wine instead of the candles, because the wine one is the one I almost all the way know. 

And I am a waaaaay better Jew than Rudy Giuliani. Or Meghan McCain. Or Donald Trump Junior or Senior. Or Mike Huckabee. Or any of the delightful people in the world who have thoughts on JEWS: Holy Seat-Fillers Until Jesus Gets Back From The Bathroom.

So, what did Rudy Giuliani do now? Well, it's pathetic. 

Olivia Nuzzi is a hot-shit young reporter (she's 26) who gets people to tell her things they really really shouldn't, and who has a marvelous eye for detail. Like the details in this NY Mag Rudy Giuliani interview, where she notices just little things, like his unzipped fly, his falling into a wall, his literally drooling on himself, the liquid pooling onto his sweater, without noticing. As Liz noted in the chatcave, all the reporters Rudy rants to every day must see these things; Nuzzi's just the only one willing to blow up her access by typing it out loud.

"This is really sad," I said in the chatcave. Liz scoffed. Rudy is a venal monster and deserves no pity. Then she read it.

I especially liked the part where he went on at length about how he as mayor would have rescued a homeless couple sitting in a park. Here, just have the whole graf:

Back in the black SUV, Giuliani directed his bodyguard to drop him at home and then take me back to my hotel. "Oh, look at those poor people," he said, glancing out the window to the park, where a man and a woman sat on a bench. "When I was mayor, by the time I was home, there'd be a call to the head of Homeless Services. Have somebody on Fifth between 70 — is that 75 or 76? A couple, they seem to be freezing. See if we can get them in a shelter. All my commissioners were trained to do that. And we got it down to almost nothing, zero." The couple on the bench did not appear to be homeless.

It's everlastingly gobstopping, the whole thing, and you should really go read it and feel some stirrings of empathy. YOUR father might fall into a wall, after all. YOUR father might rant and rave about being smart enough to not do crimes. YOUR father might drool himself while insisting he's in his prime and could take all comers. YOUR father, hopefully, would not then explain about the Jews, and who is one. SURPRISE! Rudy Giuliani's thoughts on Who Is A Jew dovetail just perfectly with those of the people running our country like drunken, drooling, falling, senile children.

As we sped uptown, he spoke in monologue about the scandal he co-created, weaving one made-up talking point into another and another. He said former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, whom he calls Santa Maria Yovanovitch, is "controlled" by George Soros. "He put all four ambassadors there. And he's employing the FBI agents." I told him he sounded crazy, but he insisted he wasn't.

"Don't tell me I'm anti-Semitic if I oppose him," he said. "Soros is hardly a Jew. I'm more of a Jew than Soros is. I probably know more about — he doesn't go to church, he doesn't go to religion — synagogue. He doesn't belong to a synagogue, he doesn't support Israel, he's an enemy of Israel. He's elected eight anarchist DA's in the United States. He's a horrible human being."

In the grand tradition of Soros conspiracy theorists, Giuliani believes the media is doing the billionaire's bidding by printing lies about him, yet he often bungles his own attempts to discredit the media's reporting. While attempting to argue that, despite what has been written, "I have no business interests in Ukraine," he told me about his business interests in Ukraine.

Yes, Nuzzi makes some news about Rudy and Ukraine in the following paragraphs, but let's just back up, again, as we are sentenced to do for eternity. Rudy Giuliani -- and Meghan McCain, and Trump Junior, and Huckabee, and all of them -- knows that Soros is godless. Doesn't go to church! (Or even synagogue.) Is an enemy of Israel! (Where Jesus will return and send all the unconverted Jews to ... don't know, Evan our resident evangelical is off today for the nativity of his lord and savior, who I like to imagine oiled up and named Derek.)

The only thing Giuliani leaves out, while explaining that he is a better Jew than the old man who survived the Holocaust as a boy, and who has spent his life and (some of his -- he does have a lot!) treasure on causes that he believes will be a blessing unto the world, is the blood libel that Soros handed his own people over to the Nazis. It can't be the case that mentioning it would be too outre even for him, so Giuliani must have forgot.

Giuliani's spitty invective against Soros is of a piece with them all. These are the people who invite to their Hannukah ceremony pastors who have explained, out loud, with their puckered leaking asshole mouths, that we Jews -- it's we , right Rudy? -- will die in the lake of fire, and that Hitler was a "hunter" sent by God to shepherd the Jews back to Israel. Can't make the Rapture without breaking some Jew eggs!

Funny thing I just thought of, when I typed "Jew eggs." Having grown up in Southern California, where I was tan for a tan person in the era where moms were still self-basting in baby oil on their silver sun mats, I have terrible skin damage! I keep having to get nasty little whoozits shaved off my face and scalp and legs and pretty much all of me! And the last thing I got shaved off was a little ... well, there was a word for it, ask my doctor, such a nice young man ... that looked like a VERY TINY TINY HORN. "I can't go walking around with this tiny horn on my forehead!" I exclaimed. "I'M JEWISH!"

It killed at reception at the clinic in my rural Montana town. Oh, they got it! LOL!

These are the people who forgotPolandJews on Holocaust Remembrance Day -- because it wouldn't have been fair to the trade unionists. 

These are the people who did whatever the fuck this was. 

I mean, we could just google you Wonkette links about this administration and Jews all day, but it's Christmas Eve, we've got cranberry pineapple orange sauce to make.

In conclusion: Yeah, read that thing. It's fucked up, and pretty sad, and eye-opening, and these are the people trotting the world for our government. You wouldn't let your father do it, whether or not he was ranting about Jews.

[ NYMag ]

Who funds Wonkette? The Jews -- AND YOU! Next year in Jerusalem or whatever, just kidding I don't really want to go to Jerusalem, meh.