Jimmy Carter Ditches Dumb Cancer, Will Live Forever Now
And now he's going to go make peace somewhere.
Best Former President Ever James Earl Carter had a nice surprise for his weekly Sunday School class at Maranatha Baptist Church in Plains, Georgia:
"He said he got a scan this week and the cancer was gone,” [congregant] Jill Stuckey said by phone from Maranatha, where Carter was still in the midst of teaching to about 350 people, many of them visitors. “The church, everybody here, just erupted in applause.”
[contextly_sidebar id="c2299xnmbHhxh5BceioZDRuhgqlq0uUA"] Remember how we were all sad for Carter when we learned he had liver cancer, and we drank to his health and wished he'd live forever? And then he laughed at his cancer and reminded us that 90 is a good long life and he didn't have any regrets, other than sending a spare helicopter along to rescue the hostages in Iran? And we smiled and cried all over again, and wondered if we'd have the courage to face our own mortality with even a tenth of the grace of this wonderful man who really seems to understand what being a Christian is about?
Looks like we may have drank enough to his health. Let's have another round in celebration (and yes, club soda is just fine if you're busy fighting other battles). To Jimmy Carter, may he live forever. He keeps pulling this off, he might make it, too.
Jan Williams, a church member and friend who the Atlanta Journal-Constitution says "spends the hour before Carter’s class humorously instructing visitors on the do’s-and-don’ts of being around their famous teacher," was as surprised as anyone at the announcement (and more surprised than we were to learn the former president's Sunday School class has a warmup act):
It’s like getting the biggest Christmas gift that you could ever want. This week was just horrible in the world in terms of all the bad things happening. How wonderful in the midst of all this to get such wonderful, encouraging news.
Ma'am, we may not be believers, but we'll give you an Amen on that.
Carter's grandson, the creatively named James Carter, confirmed the good news:
“There’s no cancer in his body at this point,” said James Carter. “He’s not going to stop doing the treatment, but at this point, there’s no cancer. It’s incredible news.”
“See?” he added. “I knew he wasn’t really human.”
Now, before we get all overworked and start suggesting Jimmy Carter can cure you with his touch (a possibility we haven't entirely ruled out), we should note there's a difference between "tests show no cancer" and "Jimmy Carter Is Cured":
“It doesn’t mean that there is no cancer in his body; it means that there is no indication that they can find cancer for the present,” said Dr. Len Lichtenfeld, deputy chief medical officer for the Atlanta-based American Cancer Society, who stressed he was speaking about cancer in general.
While the scans of Carter’s brain and liver show no signs of the disease, cancerous cells could still be in his bloodstream, said Lichtenfeld. Still, he said, the news is encouraging for Carter.
“The President has done exceptionally well. There are still many patients with melanoma who don’t have this outcome,” said Lichtenfeld. “He’s in the best possible place.”
So there's your scientific note of judicious medical caution. Now let's celebrate Jimmy Carter's excellent news and wish him good health forever, and a whole bunch more opportunities to build houses for poor people. Someone be sure and tell Ted Cruz and Chris Christie they're not invited to the party. Remember, the idea is that Carter should remain free of malignancies.