Joe Biden's Gonna Secretly Replace Your Ceiling Fan With Commie Crystals. Let's Watch!

Perfectly sane and rational people.

Are you a God-fearing, patriotic American who owns a ceiling fan and loves it like your own child or your stockpile of AR-15s? Well, that senile, old tyrant Joe Biden is coming for your preferred home cooling device.

The Biden administration is taking small (some might argue too small) steps toward reducing the nation’s carbon footprint, and the US Department of Energy (DOE) has started examining ceiling fans, which are in an estimated 75 percent of US homes, and recently proposed some energy conservation standards that could make them more efficient.

These standards would require approval from a mentally stable Congress and wouldn’t take effect until 2028 at the earliest. Americans would have a wider selection of more energy efficient models, and a DOE spokesperson told Newsweek that taxpayers’ collective savings could come out to $369 million per year and substantially reduce harmful air pollution.

That all seems reasonable and constructive, so Republicans aren’t having it. They are flipping out!

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Give Us Gas Stoves Or Give Us Death! Maybe Even Both!

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Friday, Republican Rep. Ben Cline from Virginia warned direly, “First, they went after your car. Then, they targeted your gas stoves. Now, they are coming for your ceiling fans. America will continue to reject the Biden Climate Police’s authoritarianism.”

Republican politicians regularly post messages on social media that read like the unhinged letters to the editor I used to reject as a college newspaper intern.

The Republican-controlled House Committee on Small Business whined, “From day one it was clear that @POTUS was not on the side of America’s small businesses. Even ceiling fans aren’t safe from his bureaucratic overreach.”

Promoting efficiency is hardly a blow to small businesses, but Republicans insist that the financial burden imposed on manufacturers would overshadow any individual household savings. And we all know we can trust what Republicans tell us.

Rep. Stephanie Bice sent a letter to the Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm demanding the DOE withdraw the ceiling fan rule. It’s so damn hot in her Oklahoma City home and her constituents need their less efficient ceiling fans.

“We are currently in a period of hot summer weather but also a time of high inflation,” Bice wrote. “It is unconscionable that your department would seek to limit the options of the American people to stay cool in their own homes at a time like this.”

The estimated increase for the more efficient models is about $10, which would cost the average family at least one banana.

However, households could save an estimated 40 percent in electricity costs from operating the updated models. If Bice understood finance at all, she’d appreciate how that’s a much better deal. This summer, almost 300,000 Oklahoma residents suffered power outages during an extreme heat wave. While that was mostly attributable to severe storms, there is every reason to want to reduce the strain on a state’s power grid.

Texas’s ramshackle power grid is struggling to cope with demand, and residents are facing potential rolling blackouts during extreme heat. Yet, (alleged) angry drunk Ronny Jackson, who’s from Texas, shouted like a crazy person on Elon Musk’s folly, “GET YOUR FILTHY TYRANT HANDS OFF OF MY CEILING FANS!!”

In 2007, President George W. Bush — another Texan — signed the Energy Independence and Security Act, mandating household light bulbs to achieve approximately 25 percent greater efficiency, according to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). When he signed the bill with then-Democratic Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Majority Leader Harry Reid standing behind him, Bush said, “We make a major step toward reducing our dependence on oil, confronting global climate change, expanding the production of renewable fuels and giving future generations of our country a nation that is stronger, cleaner and more secure.”

While consistently awful, Republicans weren’t always this ridiculous.

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