Joe Manchin Thinks He Can Be President Because His Thinking Is In The Shop

Get over yourself, sir.

Jan 30, 2024

Sen. Joe Manchin from West Virginia, population of 1.7 million, looks in the mirror these days and apparently sees President Joe Manchin of the entire United States, population slightly more than 1.7 million.

Since announcing his retirement from the US Senate, Manchin has stopped by New Hampshire and presumably the whiter parts of South Carolina and Georgia. According to CNN, he’s now convinced there is a role for him as the national representative for the “fiscally responsible and socially compassionate” middle, a contrast if you will to Sen. Bernie Sanders, who can win elections in his state.

It’s hilarious that Manchin is trying to sell “fiscally responsible and socially compassionate.” Next, he might ask if we’re interested in knit hats or denim maxi skirts. Not even Republicans are that crazy about warmed-over George W. Bush-ism. Besides, Manchin personally killed the child tax credit, which is hardly “socially compassionate” or even that “fiscally responsible,” unless he thinks there’s money in starving children.

Manchin has privately confided in people that if Donald Trump is convicted or President Joe Biden’s health deteriorates, he could have a shot as an independent candidate. Biden, after all, is a frail 81 years old, and Manchin is a spry 76, full of vim and vigor and powered entirely by wholesome coal.

Of course, if Trump were convicted — hooray! — Manchin would have no shot against Nikki Haley or really any Republican who wasn’t using a baby as a human shield.

If Manchin chooses to humiliate himself on a national level, he’d need to rely on his buddies at No Labels to help get his name on state ballots. No Labels is a Democrat-screwing, Republican-boosting group that claims it’s the “answer for a political moment in which voters keep telling pollsters they don’t want a Biden-Trump rematch and are exhausted by the political tribalism.” Oh, are you entitled babies “exhausted” that people are as passionate about politics as they are Star Wars movies? That’s so gauche. Let’s return to the good old days of mostly indistinguishable white men making all our decisions for us in smoke-filled rooms.

No Labels has set a mid-March deadline to determine if they want to back a so-called “unity” ticket, which in plain English would actively support the Trump/Scariest Asshole You’d Ever Want To Meet ticket.

CNN reports:

Meanwhile, three years of exhaustion at Manchin upending Biden’s agenda has left the president and top aides keeping their distance, trying to sound out what he’s up to without risking riling him up by going to him directly.

Yes, you can’t dare upset the Great and Terrible Manchin. He might wipe out our crops and starve more children! (No, we’re not letting that go.)

Anyway, White House advisers are hoping that Manchin will just get over himself on his own, which is a common occurrence among spoiled egomaniacs. They’re obviously concerned about Manchin traveling the country, telling everyone that Biden has been pulled too far to the left, especially since it’s such a damn lie. Yes, his administration has been one of the most progressive in history but this is also America and not Scandinavia.

Manchin hopes that he can meet with Biden and persuade him to campaign in ways that are sure to make him lose. He thinks Biden should focus on how the Inflation Reduction Act is a more “financially constrained” version of Build Back Better, which Manchin killed, and not talk so much about climate change — so, basically, ignore all the great stuff in the IRA. I wonder if Manchin will suggest that Biden juggle more coal during press conferences and order a frosty coal milkshake whenever he stops at a real American diner.

Coal Joe thinks Old Joe is a “good, decent man” but worries that the White House is dominated by “far, far-left liberals.” In case you need help translating, Manchin is a relic from the days of “indistinguishable white men in smoke-filled rooms” and he actively resents these “new” diverse Democrats — apparently the vice president is a woman of color. It’s crazy!

Joe Manchin’s wife was in a car accident today, so we’d like to be nice to him.

…

The good news is that once this year is over, we can all ignore Joe Manchin.

OPEN THREAD.

[CNN]

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