317 Comments

and a good personal trainer

Expand full comment

As a debaucherous fuckface, I hope I will be the one who chops off their limbs daily with a rusty olive fork, only to have them grow back so we can start the process all over again while they suffer from the tetnis infections. I will feel like I am doing God's work while I carve the names of the people who died from allergic reactions and similar treatable afflictions into their eyeballs with a soldering iron. Only to have them grow back so I can do it again. The day will not pass where I will have missed the opportunity to crush their fingers under a steel cutting die without the die( the clean cut is less painful than the crush). Also too, with votes. Just so I'm not banhammered.

Expand full comment

I have two of them. A right one and a left one. If they would let me, I would apply them repeatedly until they felt empathy. Worst case scenario, the sociopathic nihilist doesn't survive. The planet is better off as a whole. With votes btw.

Expand full comment

I know I'm late to the party with this, and I know we aren't supposed to make certain jokes, but her father's name is Manchin? She doesn't have his last name but she definitely has the definition on her face.

Expand full comment

Affluenza vaccines cause Austeritism you heartless corporate shill!

Expand full comment

It's a great workaround because at least in my district, we have to take the lowest bid. I use highlighters for my food orders so my boss knows what items to order and which are already at my shed(that's right, I said shed, for about 10,000 students). I have had cigarettes last longer than the highlighters I use. People who have this built into their system are just asking to be grifted. Corporate greed needs only to be what it is when we set ourselves up for it.

Expand full comment

Ah, the classic diversion - instead of explaining the price spikes, she uses lots of the best words to outline how they grew unit sales...sounds business-y, don't you know?Should make it a favorite free enterprise fable with which to comfort the next customer gasping for air.

Expand full comment

You know, that one really violates the rules about as thoroughly as humanly possible, but since you've clearly set it in Dante's Inferno, I'll let it slide this time. Future efforts of the sort will be deleted, however. You can express your gratitude with an indulgence.

Expand full comment

Masterful extortion of my faux pas there Dok. I needed to donate anyway, I've been freeloading for quite some time.

Expand full comment

Y'know, I think there's a simple solution

You or your business claims X in exemptions on your return (unless it's charitable giving, very strictly defined) - you can no longer vote

2x = you kids can't vote

3x = nobody in your immediate family. And you lose your right to make political donations.

Expand full comment

and how much of that research money is spent on medication to save poor people's lives as opposed to how much is spent on medication to give old white rich men erections

Expand full comment

actually he probably said, "doesn't matter, my republican opponent campaigned on getting rid of all regulations on price gouging and voted to let us watch the poors suffocate on live tv, so I'm gonna be just fine

Expand full comment

Put her to bed between two pieces of bread?

Expand full comment

Not just a cunt, but a hoofwanking bunglecunt.

Expand full comment

You can buy antibiotics for goldfish tanks that is just the same as docs prescribe for a fraction of the cost too. Meds are so overpriced it stopped being funny long ago.

Expand full comment

Hides under their bed to watch them masturbate.

Expand full comment