Judge Boxwine Knows What Causes MURDERRRRRR, It Is Participation Trophies
Back in my day!
Good morning, boxwine drinkers and the people who hold their hair back!
It’s time to see what Judge Jeanine Pirro, the patron saint of boxwine, said on Fox News yesterday. Was it very “OK, wine-soaked Boomer”? Yes, how did you know?
Is this like when she said 59 percent of Black voters in South Carolina are Republicans? Or when she was appalled to share that before Roe was overturned, there were 63 million abortions per year in America? Of course. It was like jury duty. When you got your abortion summons in the mail, you showed up at your latest Democrat Party Partial-Birthing Factory And Ballot Stuffing Parlor and you did your job as a citizen!
Anyway, Judge Boxwine knows what causes MURDERRRRRR and it is participation trophies.
The context — as if that makes it make more sense — is that there was a terrible event at a Patriots-Dolphins game in Massachusetts where there was some kind of brawl between fans, and a man ended up dying. Don’t know much more than that for sure, which means it’s perfect territory for the terrified babbling white people on Fox News to fuckin’ go to town and write it however they want.
BOXWINE: One of the things that we learned — I suspect everyone at this table learned — was we learned about good sportsmanship. That when you lose, you have to be polite.
Hmmmm, OK, Fox News. Maybe she should turn her chair and face Mar-a-Lago when she says that.
BOXWINE: Think about it. In this world today, we’re all winners, okay? No one is being taught that, you know, that there’s a winner and there’s a loser. Everybody is a winner, everybody gets a trophy, that’s what’s going on in schools today.
OK, wine-soaked Boomer.
People like Boxwine love to spout these verified scientific facts about how “no one” is taught anymore that there are winners and losers. Just like how they are 100 percent certain that all people get more conservative as they age, which is good because have you heard how these days all the kids are having nonbinary abortions in litterboxes at school? It is terrible how the world is, through the eyes of a conservative Boomer.
Sidenote: But again, did Donald Trump learn this at school?
BOXWINE: It’s almost like, then you go to a game and there really are losers. And it’s amazing that people who don’t even have skin in the game, they’re not even a part of the team, they’ve become so outraged that they are willing to kill somebody.
What? The people with the participation trophies go to football games and, upon learning that their team is the loser, they start killing?
Sidenote: Did the January 6 mob beat the shit out of people with their participation trophies? Was that one of their weapons?
Yes, or LMAO yes?
BOXWINE: And we shouldn’t have to see stabbings and beatings that end up in a homicide at a sporting event where people supposedly, as you say, go to forget their problems and to join other people.
No, we shouldn’t. Agreed. Samesies.
BOXWINE: And who knows whether it’s the pandemic or COVID or the —
Is it the pandemic? Is it COVID? Is it some other way of saying the same thing?
BOXWINE: We are in a world where there is a lack of civility, there is a lack of consequence, there is a lack of law enforcement. There is chaos and anarchy.
There is no law and order anymore. […]
[W]e are really on the edge! It’s a devolution of society!
Bless her heart.
No civility! No consequences! No law enforcement! Chaos! Anarchy!
BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T WATCH VIOLENT SEXUAL VIDEO GAMES ON OUR NINTENDO BOOB TUBES WE PLAYED OUTSIDE WITH A VERY LARGE AND EXCITING STICK WHICH WAS FANCY ENOUGH FOR US AND WE KNEW HOW TO SHARE AND WE DIDN’T COMPLAIN WHEN OUR FATHER SAID IT WAS TIME FOR DINNER BECAUSE BACK IN MY DAY WE HAD RESPECT FOR OUR PARENTS AND WE DIDN’T NEED DRUGS BECAUSE WE LISTENED TO THE RADIO WITH OUR FAMILIES AND KIDS KNEW HOW TO WEAR THEIR PANTS AND MAYBE IF THEY PULLED THEMSELVES UP BY THEIR BOOTSTRAPS THEIR PANTS WOULDN’T FALL DOWN AROUND THEIR BOTTOMS AND YOU’LL UNDERSTAND ONE DAY AND BE JUST AS WEIRD AND RACIST AND TERRIFIED OF THE WORLD AS I AM.
You betcha.
Good lord.
There were other words like “murder and mayhem is acceptable!” in Boxwine’s rant, but we trust you got the gist.
Gentle readers, what we have just witnessed is an absolute Fox News Judge Boxwine white conservative Boomer meltdown. We trust it has been edifying for everyone and that if you don’t understand why Boxwine sounds like a raving lunatic here, that means you’re part of the problem.
There will be another absolute Fox News white conservative Boomer meltdown probably right this second, you should turn on your TVs and check.
OK TTYL, the end!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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My daughter once received a participation plaque. It was more meaningful than any other trophy or medal she won. She's a runner; cross country and track. Her junior year of HS, her cross country team won the state championship and went on to take the New England championship. They went on to place second in the Northeast. That qualified them to run in the Nike Nationals race in Oregon. The team and my daughter placed in the middle of the pack. Doesn't seem like much of a showing until you realize there are about 180,000 female high school cross country runners in the US and they were in the top 200. So that participation plaque meant more to her than all the races she won. Participation, running with the best, just being there, shared experience, achievement, and recognition. So fuck Pirro. and her small minded bullshit.
This country is littered with participation trophies for people who still haven’t gotten over losing the civil war 160 years later.