Just Trump's Pick For US Attorney For DC Making 150 Appearances On Russian State TV
Sure are a lot of Russian things in this hoax.
Oh boy does Trump’s pick for US Attorney for DC, Ed Robert Martin Jr., seem like he was made up by an AI chatbot with the prompt “character who’s the very Trumpiest!”
From the muds of Missouri, this three-first-names guy failed his way to first class on the Trump train with pro-life extremism, election denialism, racism, and oh look, literally doing the work of the Russian government for more than a decade by making more than 150 appearances pumping anti-American lies on Russian state media. Now he’s Trump’s DC purger and revenge-taker for the 2020 failed coup, helping DOGE strong-arm its way around town. And he calls himself “Ed the Eagle,” because they all give themselves dipshit squad nicknames.
Martin is serving as interim guy until the Senate can confirm him (or until November, when his “interim” time is supposed to be over), and/but Adam Schiff says a confirmation vote is on indefinite hold. So since we are stuck with this ham-headed dick for a while, let’s get to know him!
Once upon a time in Missouri, Ed Martin began his upwards-failing claw to power as an anti-abortion extremist and lawyer for God-bothering pharmacists who did not want to dispense Plan B. He got hired as chief of staff for Governor Matt Blunt, and then ran for a seat in the state House and lost, ran for state attorney general and lost, and finally got elected as chairman of the Missouri Republican Party.
His profile rose, and in 2017 he couped the Eagle Forum, a group founded by late gay-hater Phylis Schlafly, wresting financial control of it from her own daughter and then turning a splinter faction of it into his own American Eagles club. And he got a job as a conservative commentator on CNN as a replacement for Jeffrey Lord, who was let go after tweeting “Sieg Heil!” at Media Matters. But Martin didn’t last long at CNN; according to him, he “got fired because the crazy Black ladies demanded I be fired because I didn't take their nonsense. Literally that happened.” (What actually happened: Martin went on a radio show and disparaged fellow guests as “Black racists.”)
But turns out CNN was not his only media gig! While all of this was going on he also went on Russian state media channels RT and Sputnik, MORE THAN 150 TIMES between 2016 and 2024. That’s way more appearances than he ever had in America! And on Russky TV he pushed anti-American propaganda and Russia-favored lies, such as that chemical attacks on his own people by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad were “engineered” by Washington, and lying immediately before Russia invaded Ukraine that there was “no evidence” of a Russian military buildup on Ukraine’s borders. And did Ed Bob disclose these media appearances to the Senate like he was required to? Of course not. Employee questionnaires are for little people like FBI agents.
In between appearances, Martin was keeping busy in America, too. After the 2020 election, he got deep into election-denying, ranting Stolen Election words at the Capitol a day before the siege, then defended January 6 rioters in court, including Missouri Proud Boys member William Chrestman, who was convicted for confronting police and brandishing an ax, and Joseph Padilla, who battled police and hit an officer in the head with a flagpole.
Just tourists on a day of love, spraying pepper spray of love, beating police officers with love-bats, and also a hockey stick, knuckle gloves, “Trump” flags, pieces of lumber, crutches, fire extinguishers, bike racks, batons, a metal whip, and office furniture of love. And then love-hating Joe Biden put them in jail for loving Trump too much.
And then, LIBERATION DAY, their Lord and Savior Trump was elected! And though Ed Bob has never prosecuted anyone, Trump named him interim US Attorney for DC. Ed Bob immediately signed off on the release of those January 6 “political prisoners,” including some of his former clients, and vowed to INVESTIGATE the January 6 investigation, which he has compared to the US internment of Japanese Americans during World War II. Oh.
Then he embarked on loyalty-purging at the FBI, trying to ferret out the 6,000 FBI agents/employees who were involved with investigating Donald Trump and/or his poop-smearing love-force force of rioters, unless the employees were willing to self-confess that Devil Joe Biden compelled them to sin.
And he’s vowed to protect the DOGE minions at all costs, posting a pathetically ingratiating letter to Elon on X vowing to pursue anyone who might oppose him to the ends of the earth. And then SOMEBODY who was probably Martin sent the DC police to help DOGE strong-arm their way into buildings.
So ugh, there you have it, another character for your MAGA edition of Guess Who. Do I act like a Russian asset? Do I have a ham head and no lips? Am I an election denier? Do I like to cry about being persecuted for being white? Pour another glass of wine, this game could take all night!
Jesus, the cute animals might be the only thing keeping me from total despair this week.
Thanks for the armadillo ❤️