Justin Trudeau Est Le Premier Ministre De « L’Art De Négocier »

Il a arraché les tarifs douaniers des mains oranges de Trump.

Oh look, another day, another foreign leader picking up a tantruming baby Trump, burping him, changing his fesses couches and putting him back in his baby swing while soothingly humming “Frère Jacques”! Monsieur Artiste de Deal pitched an unholy fit demanding 25 percent tariffs on Canadian goods and a 10 percent tariff on their oil, but he put the plans “on hold” for 30 days after being promised everything that he already had. Just like when you tuck a toddler’s squeaky giraffe in the diaper bag and then bring it back out to distract them when they’re having a meltdown. Squeaka squeak!

No, you aren’t having deja-vu, that is exactly what happened with Mexico yesterday too.

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Claudia Sheinbaum Es La Presidenta De 'El Arte Del Trato'

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Dominic LeBlanc, Minister of Finance and Intergovernmental Affairs, announced a $1.3 billion plan to bolster border security and detect fentanyl at the border, and added two Blackhawk helicopters and 60 US-made drones to its border surveillance program … last December, while Joe Biden was president. There’s already 9,000 Canadian “frontline workers” at the border (there were 8,500, and this year they trained 500 more). The only new thing is that Trudeau promised to add a “fentanyl czar,” which means he yelled eh, Dominic, tu es maintenant le tsar du fentanyl! and Dominic shrugged and was like, eh, hokay. And Canada says they will call cartels terrorist organizations. Feel better now?

But, it’s not so easy to wash off the taint to American brands and to America’s image as a reliable trading partner. What bestie treats their friends like this, and what Canadian company would want to partner with an American company now? Probably Trump’s goldfish brain has already forgotten all about his “30-day hold” and will act as if nothing ever happened, but that’s not very reassuring to any investors planning to spend actual money.

And c'est dur for Elon Musk! Ontario Premier Doug Ford — the right-wing one! — said it would tear up Elmo’s $100 million Canadian-dollar contract for Starlink for satellite internet service. And now that the tariffs are on hold, Elmo’s contract is too. Ontario and Nova Scotia had also planned to remove all American liquor products from its shelves today, especially the ones from Old Pappy Mitch McConnell’s Kentucky-corn-bourbon district. The hooch can stay in place, for now, but are patriotic Canadians going to buy it?

Canadians are also now pondering whether they should ban or sanction Tesla and X, and build Canadian oil pipelines to benefit Canada instead of its spoiled southern neighbor, for a change. The US has a trade deficit with Canada (and an even bigger one with Mexico), which means we buy more of their stuff than we sell them. Which means that though we all rely each other, we need them more than they need us.

And, of course, this whole “fentanyl crisis” was entirely made up to begin with. Overdoses have been going down since Biden made an actual deal with China in 2023 to crack down on the flow of fentanyl ingredients and money laundering by Chinese cartels. But not many people know about that, because Biden spent his time as president doing actual work instead of hammering out all-caps screeds on Twitter at 2 a.m.

And if there’s too much fentanyl, it’s not coming from Canada. In all of 2024, only 43 pounds of fentanyl were seized at the Northern border, compared with 21,148 on the southern one, and 90 percent of the fentanyl in the US is smuggled in by Americans. Also, you can go online right now and legally order the precursor ingredients to make your own! For $3,607, a couple of Reuters reporters were able to order everything they needed to make 3 million pills. “It’s like making chicken soup,” a cook from Sinaloa told them. “It’s mega-easy making that drug.”

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But oh hey, fine print, no deal on that 10 percent tariff on goods from China! That just went into effect, so hope you’ve stocked up on … just about everything. Cell phones, computers and electronics, clothes, games, car parts, shoes, cookware, Barbies …

And China’s got its retaliatory tariffs all ready to go: a 15 percent tariff on coal and liquefied natural gas products, a 10 percent tariff on crude oil, agricultural machinery and large-engine car imports. Call them Juan Deere now and say adios, because it only makes sense for agricultural-machinery factories to move even more manufacturing to Mexico now if they want to sell China some tractors. AND China is launching an antitrust investigation of Google. The search engine is blocked there, so this is probably about Google’s Android operating system for smartphones. Regretting giving him a million bucks for his party and standing in the fart zone at his inauguration yet, Sundar Pichai?

That Trump, just the best, smartest dealmakingest guy ever!

[Reuters/ Brookings/ AP]

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