Keanu Reeves Fails Audition, Promotes Mental Health

Be excellent to each other!

Whoa. (Photo: Windsor Spitfires)

If there’s one thing Canadians enjoy more than looking down our noses at the sheer lunacy that’s become the norm in US political discourse in the 21st century, it’s feeling smug about the superiority of our universal healthcare system.

So it’s been tough for progressive northerners to truly embrace all the hopey changeyness in the air after Kamala Harris took the top spot on the ticket while we’re staring down the unpalatable prospect of a probable Prime Minster Pierre Poilievre.

Not to mention the pandemic dickishly exposed our celebrated free medical system has plenty of room for improvement, particularly when it comes to mental health services. And it touches a nerve when someone pointing to the problem happens to be a beloved Hollywood A-lister achieving his childhood dream.

Keanu Reeves was back home in Canada recently while touring with his band Wyld Stallyns Dogstar and was offered a one-day contract as a goaltender for the Windsor Spitfires, a junior team in the Ontario Hockey League. No, this wasn’t a glitch in the Matrix.

The actor and philanthropist, who grew up in Toronto, was scouted by the team as a 15-year-old but couldn’t make it to training camp due to an injury. His hockey skills nonetheless led to his first major film role playing a puckstopper in the Rob Lowe flick Youngblood, where his prowess between the pipes was far more legit than his French-Canadian accent.

Nobody should expect Keanu, who turns 60 tomorrow, to suit up for the team’s season opener against the Sarnia Sting later this month, and the tryout was more of a warm and fuzzy publicity stunt that also happened to raise $20,000 for the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) after his autographed jersey and other memorabilia were auctioned off.

They need the money too, especially after the Trudeau government decided to quit funding an online free counselling service set up in the early days of the plague when we were all freaking the fuck out. The now-defunct Wellness Together Canada website and PocketWell app hired organizations like CMHA and Kids Help Phone to help meet the sudden demand, but Health Canada opted to euthanize the program now that people aren’t dying from the Rona much anymore and everything is fine.

An estimated four million people used it over four years — roughly one in 10 Canadians — who are now mostly left to their own devices and/or seek support from provincial governments or non-profits.

"Provinces and territories are best placed to support the mental health and substance use needs of their communities by integrating these services into their whole system of care," said a statement from the office of Ya'ara Saks, the minister of mental health and addictions, when washing her hands of it.

That’s assuming provinces are willing and able to pick up the slack, which only seems likely in the three out of the 10 of them — British Columbia, Quebec, and Newfoundland and Labrador — not currently led by Conservative governments. (For those just tuning in, “Newfoundland and Labrador” are considered a single entity and are always 15 minutes ahead of the rest of us despite any jokes you may have heard.) Contrary to popular belief, the country doesn’t actually have a single national health insurance plan, and individual provinces run their own show along guidelines set by the Canada Health Act.

Take Ontario as an example, where a recent study found the kids are very much not all right. More than half of teenaged students — the same age range as many of Keanu’s new teammates — reported experiencing major psychological distress in the past year, more than double a decade ago, according to the CBC. The pandemic may officially be over but a lot of Gen Zers still seem to be bummed about the increasing unlikelihood of ever affording a home on the dying planet they’re inheriting despite the current ready availability of avocado toast. The survey of more than 10,000 students from 235 schools also showed 18 percent had serious thoughts about killing themselves and a third said they could’ve used a little professional mental health guidance but didn’t seek it out.

There used to be an app for that.

There’s an old episode of “The Simpsons” where the family traveled to Toronto, and Homer thought he hit the jackpot after being hit by a car because of the free medical care. It’s true Canada is one of the better countries overall to get run over by a vehicle but plenty of non-emergency health issues are very much NOT at the government’s dime, such as visiting the dentist, ophthalmologist, chiropractor or physiotherapist, and millions of people either have to rely on employee benefits or shell out for it themselves. I know I’d certainly benefit from getting a deep-tissue massage or boring a licensed professional about my self-destructive tendencies but so far it’s still not worth taking a normie job just to cover it.

Kiefer Sutherland seems a more obvious middle-aged Canadian thespian with an unusual first name beginning with a K to draw attention to the growing mental health crisis since his grandfather, NDP leader Tommy Douglas, was the guy who came up with the whole “maybe citizens shouldn’t go broke just to get medical attention” idea in the first place.

But Keanu Reeves has gone through some stuff over the years, and his public image has evolved from “young, dumb and full of cum” to old, wise and able to advise. This is someone who’s had to deal with discovering his reality was a computer simulation, survived near-death experiences aboard LA public transit, traveled through time with George Carlin, and watched Theon Greyjoy murder his dog. He’s also escaped the clutches of Count Dracula and come face-to-face with Satan himself not once but twice. Experiences like these will change a man.

And those are just his movies! His father walked out when he was three-years-old, he became the primary caregiver when his sister got leukemia, and lost his dear friend River Phoenix to an overdose as a kid. His partner was killed in a car crash two years after delivering their stillborn daughter. He knows a thing or two about the importance of maintaining mental health.

The movie that first made Keanu a household name was Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, and he seems to have interalized the film’s main message: “Be excellent to each other.” It’s a good recommendation. Maybe Health Canada officials will form a committee to take it under advisement.

It’s a rare opportunity to put the Neo into neoliberalism.

[CBC / World Economic Forum]