Kristi Noem And The Horseback Adultery Death Camp Vacation
It’s the worst Nancy Drew mystery ever!
Why is Director of Homeland Security Kristi Noem riding horses through fields in Argentina with her rumored lover, Corey Lewandowski, and posting multiple vacation-ad-style videos about it, while strings swell in the background?
Caption: “My first time riding an Argentinian bred horse— her name is ‘Abundance’— she reaffirmed that no hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle!”
Ah, the horse’s breeding. “So you’re saying traits can be bred?” is a favorite just-asking-questions attempted gotcha from pro-eugenics types, who also fantasize about putting down undesirables in a gravel pit. On-brand for a lady whose official government account keeps Tweeting out literal white-supremacist propaganda.
But why is the nose job in charge of homeland security more than 4,000 miles away from the homeland she’s supposed to be securing? Officially, Noem was there to work on a plan to allow Argentine tourists and businessespeople to travel to the US for up to 90 days without a visa again, and to share more information between the US and Argentina about criminals, which sounds like it could have been an email and a Zoom call.
But there she was in person, lending some of her strip-mall glamor to Trumpish President Javier Milei, mutton-chopped darling of the conservative world, who has always generously lavished praise on Trump. And he’s a pal of Elon Musk, visiting him often and gifting him that pimped-out chainsaw he swanged around on stage at the Conservative Political Action Committee, probably while in a k-hole. Custom chainsaws are Milei’s bit, and he looks like he should be chasing a maid around a table with one while Yakety Sax is playing.
Milei’s a real character: He fronted a Rolling Stones cover band, cloned his mastiff Conan, and has claimed to take advice from the ghosts of his dead dogs. And in spite of being rabidly anti-woke, he’s also worked as a tantric sex teacher.
Speaking of hours in the saddle, why is Lewandowski along on this trip? He joined the second Trump campaign, but after the election the WSJ reports that because of the hanky-panky talk the administration wouldn’t give him an official job, only one as a "special government employee.”
“Though Lewandowski had initially wanted to serve as Noem’s chief of staff, President Trump and his top advisers were uncomfortable with Lewandowski in that role, owing to tabloid reports of a romantic relationship between Lewandowski and Noem over the years, according to people familiar.”
That means his 130-day employment stint ought to be long over by now, not that anything matters. And Noem still has no one in the role of official chief of staff, because he’s all the staff she needs. In whatever professional capacity, though, The Dongski’s main duty appears to be tagging along behind Noem everywhere, including on other taxpayer-funded trips to El Salvador, Mexico, and Colombia.
And while the two have always denied that they’ve been bumping their middle-aged uglies, multiple witnesses have spotted them publicly K-I-S-S-I-N-G and getting handsy in “absurdly blatant and public” ways with each other, going back as far back as 2020.
Did we mention that those two champions of “family values” are also M-A-R-R-I-E-D, and to other people? And Lewandowski has four children and Noem has three. Won’t somebody think about them? “Mommy, why do you never go anywhere with daddy, and are always going away places with uncle Corey?”
Anyway, the two met with Milei and Argentinian officials and Noem and posed for a photo shoot in the Pink House (like the White House, but in pink!) with the chainsaw and also her holding a hard hat, and then she got a tour of Campo De Mayo on horseback. Campo De Mayo housed four secret detention centers between 1976 and 1982 during the de facto military dictatorship led by General Jorge Rafael Videla: “La Casita,” “Prisión Militar de Encausados,” “El Campito,” and the “Hospital Militar,” where newborn babies were kidnapped from their mothers who were then disappeared by the regime. Videla’s regime killed about 30,000 people for being suspected dissidents, most never charged with a crime. The regime was also known for “death flights,” throwing victims dead or alive from planes into the Atlantic Ocean.
And the former prison camp is where Noem filmed her horsey-ride-reels, clippity-clopping all over where people were tortured and killed, wearing a pound of Merle-Norman-looking makeup. Doesn’t seem like a real romantic place to tour, but we’re also not a couple of Nazis fantasizing about sneaking off to avoid accountability together.
“Romantic” is also not how most people would describe certain of Lewandowski’s previous encounters with women, like the the three who accuse him of being an ass-grabbing, groping, boozy sex pest. But a pot for every lid, we guess. And the bench of Republican men who aren’t creeps is not very deep.
PERV-IOUSLY!
Anyway you’ll never guess where Noem and Lewandowski headed next! Chile! Also famous for death flights during the (US-backed) Pinochet government, along with many other human rights atrocities, including torturing, disappearing, and killing thousands of people who opposed his dictatorship, most who’ve never been found. (And it lasted until 1990!) But then Chile peacefully transitioned to a democracy, neat! And now Chile is going to let the US, presumably with the help of Peter Thiel’s company Palantir Technologies, install biometric scanners there and share data with the US. Doesn’t sound like a step in the right direction, Democracy-wise, but who are we to judge?
And also as a token of goodwill, Chilean authorities returned six watches that had been stolen from Keanu Reeves. Has Noem Tweeted yet how she saved his watches from the clutches of foreign criminal gangs, and Keanu did not even say thank you?
Well, best of luck to those lovebirds. If they’re on each other, that’s time leaving somebody else alone. Perhaps after the Trump regime is over, and Noem is wanted for violating international law with those ICE camps of hers, she and The Donger will retire to Argentina or Chile and a casita by the sea, with ghosts of dead Nazis, cloned mastiffs, and thousands of disappeared to keep them company. Maybe the kids will even visit.
[WSJ gift link / NYTimes archive link / El Pais / ABC]
Its a trilogy. “A Fistful of Penis” “For A Few Peckers More” and “The Good, The Bad, The Fugly”
𝗢𝗨𝗥 𝗧𝗔𝗫 𝗗𝗢𝗟𝗟𝗔𝗥𝗦 𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝗔𝗧 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞