Ladies Flying Planes And Other Tales Of Terror

• Yesterday on Fox’s The Five, Kimberly Guilfoyle gave a shout-out to Major Mariam Al Mansouri, the first female fighter pilot in the United Arab Emirates. Mansouri led her country’s contingent of military pilots that participated in bombing ISIS in Syria earlier this week. Yr Wonkette is not going to cheer on anyone for dropping yet more bombs on more brown people, even if they are fanatical nutbars. Still, we suppose in the context of Middle Eastern countries, where women are sometimes not allowed to so much as drive or even leave the house unless accompanied by a male, this represents a twisted step in the direction of equality. So sure, Kimberly Guilfoyle, go ahead and girl-power away, and let’s hope that none of your troglodytic male co-hosts step on the moment by saying something sexist.

  Greg Gutfeld: “Problem is, after she bombed it, she couldn’t park it.”

  Eric Bolling: “Would that be considered boobs on the ground?”

  No! No, Greg Gutfeld and Eric Bolling! You were almost there! All you had to do was keep your mouths shut and not condescend to all of womanhood for thirty seconds! You were so close! Also, Major Mansouri was flying a plane. You two are the boobs on the ground.

• ESPN suspended Bill Simmons, the popular writer, editor of Grantland, and NBA commentator, for three weeks for a profane rant on his weekly podcast. Simmons was yelling at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for being an absolutely terrible sack of fail in his handling of the league’s recent domestic violence cases, and many people think the suspension is a case of ESPN carrying the league’s water, but this does not seem to be the case, exactly.

  Simmons later reiterated his belief that Goodell is a liar, and then Simmons dared ESPN to tell him to tone it down.

  “I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I’m in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell,” Simmons said.  “Because if one person says that to me, I’m going public.  You leave me alone.  The Commissioner’s a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast. . . Please, call me and say I’m in trouble.  I dare you.”

  Basically, Simmons publicly told his bosses he would say whatever the fuck he wanted and dared them to do something about it. ESPN, being a giant corporation owned by an even more giant corporation, didn’t take kindly to one of its famous faces trash-talking it in public. And it’s not as if the network has been going easy on Goodell and the league over the Ray Rice case. Ergo, the suspension. Roger Goodell is still a dick, though.

• It’s not a week in America if cops somewhere haven’t shot dead some innocent black men. Today there is news on two such cases. First, a grand jury in Ohio declined to indict the two cops who killed 22-year-old John Crawford in an Ohio Wal-mart in August for the crime of picking up a BB gun in the toys section and then carrying it around with him as he continued shopping.

  Police said Crawford refused to drop the air rifle, but his father and the family’s attorney said the video, which they were permitted to view before the grand jury, directly contradicted the official story.

  They said the video showed Crawford talking on a cell phone while leaning on the toy rifle like a cane when officers approached from behind.

  The Justice Department announced it would launch its own investigation into the shooting, so look for conservatives to freak out and accuse Eric Holder and Barack Obama of being a couple of race hustlers bent on putting all the white people in FEMA camps.

  At least the shitwit in the other case, this state trooper in South Carolina, was fired and charged with a felony for addlepated fuckery of the highest order. Sean Groubert had pulled over Levar Jones for an alleged seatbelt violation and ordered him out of his truck before requesting to see Jones’s driver’s license. When Jones turned around to lean into his truck to get it, Groubert started shooting. Watch the video at TPM and then take five, maybe seek out some kitten videos or a hobby besides watching terrible things on the Internet.

• Glenn Beck’s interview with Dinesh D’Souza about the convicted felon’s recent sentencing for making illegal campaign donations is pretty hilarious. Pssst, Glenn: Dinesh is not a political prisoner. He’s not even in prison. Though we’re sure looking forward to his treatise on social justice, “Letter From a La Jolla Coffee Bean.”

• Big week for weird masturbation stories as the male orgasm continues to confound humanity. Pro tip: If you join the Mile-High Club with yourself, don’t try to step out for some fresh air immediately afterwards.

If you have not done so already, you should flip your calendars over to the year 5775. And a most excellent L’Shana Tovah to our Jewish brethren! We hope your rabbi’s sermon was not too unbearably boring today.