Lara Trump Unleashes New Horror On Nation In Form Of Song

Wait, come back!

Has everyone already downloaded a copy of the hot, new, eagerly anticipated musical release of 2024 that dropped on Thursday night?

Lord no, we don’t mean the new Beyoncé album, what are we, heathens? (Though her cover of “Jolene” is kind of a banger.) [Gary just told me he has only listened to the Jolene so far, hence his unformed opinion on the rest of the banger album. — Editrix]

No, no, we refer of course to the new single “Anything Is Possible” by multi-talented broadcaster, political analyst, co-chair of the Republican National Committee, and musician Lara Trump!

Lara unleashed her latest music-shaped cure for Impostor Syndrome on an unsuspecting America at midnight on Thursday, and boy howdy do we resent God for not making us deaf:

Amazing. We haven’t heard vocal range like that since that one time the muffler gave out on our family’s old ’79 Ford Fairmont.

Let’s break this … thing … down a bit, because these lyrics deserve a close textual reading rarely found outside of film theory classes:

Talkin’ to that little girl,

Ridin’ on the Pegasus

Pegasus the rocket? Pegasus the battlestar from Battlestar Galactica? Pegasus the winged horse from Greek mythology? Whatever Lara is talking about here, surely the listener is intrigued by the majesty of this reference.

Tellin’ her everything’s gonna be all right,

‘Cause even when everything’s gettin’ hard in this hurricane life,

You still gotta spread your wings and fly.

Lyrical profundity not heard since Raffi released “Bananaphone.”

So don’t think, just jump,

You can’t give up,

Know that anything is possible

That’s true, actually. If you dream hard enough, you too can go from being just one more leggy young girl from North Carolina chasing life in the Big Apple to married to a wealthy hunk of space debris like Eric Trump to chief conduit of donor funds from a political party directly to your father-in-law’s legal bills. Dream big, baby.

I’ve had my ups and downs,

Cried when no one’s around,

But still I got up,

Put my game face on,

Definitely didn’t need a breakdown of how she prepares for her monthly Sex Night with her husband. Anyway, let’s scroll ahead a bit before our soul completely dies.

Huh try inna one-uh coo,

Full faith in the hurrrr lusss tool

Yeah, we don’t know either and we’re not going to try to figure it out. Hey, Bob Dylan’s lyrics are pretty incomprehensible sometimes too.

Over on Twitter, Lara is threatening to release more of these affronts to melody in the upcoming months:

Please God no, America has suffered enough from the Trump family. This new song makes Lara’s cover of “I Won’t Back Down” sound like … well, like the original “I Won’t Back Down.”

What is it with the Trumps and music lately? First Donald replaces the national anthem at his rallies with his dumb January 6 song. Now Lara releases an audition tape that would give the producers of “The Voice” heart failure. Next, we assume, Tiffany will release a ska album.

We’re calling it now: She will be singing onstage at the Republican convention this summer.

By the way, last night Joe Biden and Barack Obama co-hosted a fundraiser for Biden’s campaign that brought in $26 million, which is $6 million more than Donald Trump raised in the entire month of February. Meanwhile his daughter-in-law, who just took over the chief fundraising apparatus of the Republican Party, is dropping tracks that sound like a pack of feral cats trapped in a metal bingo drum. How is this election even going to be close?

Oh right. America.

[Spotify]

Any donation you can make to Wonkette is more than Lara Trump deserves to collect in royalties.