Last-Minute Valentines For Hot People

Candy! Sweatshirts! Vaguely disturbing campaign mugs!

Draw a heart in the sand, or some soil, or a local pile of crusty brown snow! It’s free! Photo by Khadeeja Yasser on Unsplash

So it’s Valentine’s Day, and you forgot to get something for That Left-Leaning Individual Whom You Cherish. You may come from a family where everybody gives sweet friendly gifts to rabble-rousin’ Grandma on this festival of Saint Valentine. Perhaps you need to obtain something suitable for the demanding and politically active lover for whom you recently bought a penthouse. Maybe YOU want to get a Valentine’s Day gift for YOU!

Below please find an array of options for things you can make, do, or order. Some are affiliated with political humans and others are affiliated with my personal philosophy a.k.a. I WANT CANDY.

Dangerously fashionable AOC merch — Well, well, well. It appears WOMEN are ALLOWED to have T-SHIRTS made in UNION SHOPS. You can claim your beloved’s gift is late because justice takes time. Also, ‘90s bucket hats are still enjoying their multi-year renaissance, I fear. Best to accept it and purchase one from AOC.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

A handmade bouquet — It’s possible the local florist can deliver something ordered on Valentine’s Day itself, but when it comes to timely flora, probably you are fucked. Make something yourself! It won’t take long, and it’ll mean more. Fresh flowers; dried flowers; multicolored pipe cleaners with wadded-up tissue paper glued to them; friggin’ lollipops tied together with a pretty ribbon; origami blossoms made exclusively of newspaper front pages the day Barack Obama won the presidency.

Are they into something specific that requires materials that could be assembled into something vaguely resembling a bouquet? For example, I like to write in journals. If somebody purchased glitter gel pens in rainbow colors plus multicolored calligraphy pens and tied them together with a fetching grosgain bow, I would surely melt into a puddle of HORNY APPRECIATION.

Items from President Joseph R. Biden’s little shop on the corner — Did you know President Biden has his very own Etsy shop where he sells ear muffs knitted from organic yarn acquired by enchanted herdsmen in a hidden idyllic field in Delaware? This is a lie, in fact, but do not worry — you can still buy things from him to support his campaign to keep being president. These items are made in this very own country, and printed in union shops, apparently!

Oh hey, I bet this button has the best gift of all…

Sweet things — Refined sugar is a drug that is slowly killing many of us, but on the other hand, it is fun to eat. CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE! Maybe you get some lower-glycemic sweets out of respect for the recipient’s dietary needs. Maybe you seek out things sweetened with stevia, or agave, or maple syrup, or elf saliva. Maybe you just buy everything in the photograph above and send it directly to my house even though I HAVE HAD MULTIPLE ROOT CANALS IN MY LIFE AND AM TRYING TO LIMIT MY SUGAR INTAKE BECAUSE THESE TEETH LOVE TO HAVE HOLES.

A playlist — You think you’re better than middle school you just because you’re older now? Make a damn Spotify playlist, or pick some streaming service that treats its artists better. (Does this exist? Probably!) OR get out your Sharpie and a cassette tape or a CD and do it the old-fashioned way, with the ancient tech you have reserved for just such a moment. Did I specifically buy a CD/tape player so I could listen to a Trio cassette I had? YES! Now watch the above video and feel some feelings!

A charitable donation — I would recommend a donation to RAICES Texas or Miry’s List any day of the year. Why not today? You can always combine it with one of the suggestions above, or a check for $1 million to your sister-wife of 57 years. Marge deserves it!

Tell your beloved you gave Wonkette some money in their honor — There’s a convenient button below to give a one-time contribution to your favorite recipe blog and Trio fanzine. This will make people do so much sex with you and/or leave you MANY valuable goats in their last will and testament.

Happy Valentine’s Day to your gorgeous self! May you enjoy it however you want, including ordering in food solo and watching a documentary about butts while other people fight over dinner reservations and Russell Stover’s questionable oeuvre.