Let's Make Some More Badass War Porn Murder Videos, Bro!

A guest post from Pete Hegseth

Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. BRO.

Sick videos, bro. Totally badass. We’d have won Vietnam if we’d had people making videos that badass. The military was so woke back in the 1960s. Not anymore! Warfighting is back. Lethality is back. None of that namby-pamby “minimizing civilian casualties” crap. Could Solid Snake have destroyed the Metal Gear and defeated the Big Boss if he’d been worried about whether the military was reaching its diversity quotas? Fuck no, he’d have been toast, and the Patriots would still be running the good old US of A.

Sure, patriots are running the good old US of A now. But the Patriots were not the good guys in Metal Gear. Trust me, I used to play it all the time in the Green Zone when I wasn’t lifting.

Know why I love this video? You used some of my favorite movies. Iron Man. Gladiator. Braveheart. John Wick. I love John Wick. Talk about lethality. Bro could kill you with a fork. That’s what I want all our soldiers to be able to do, to kill enemies with forks. In fact, I’m making it part of basic training. No more diversity seminars, but if you join the military we’ll teach you how to kill a dude with a fork.

Imagine you’re a Special Operator, and you’re sneaking into the bad guys’ base in the middle of the night to kill people, and you’ve gotta sneak up on a sentry and kill him quietly, but you forgot your knife. But maybe you’ve got a fork, and you sneak up, and you jab that thing right into the back of his neck and sever his spinal column. Fuckin’ badass.

I had some notes, though. For the next video.

What if the next video has that clip from First Blood Part II when Rambo asks his old commanding officer if we get to win the war this time. And then, BAM! Smash cut to a bunch of Iranian shit getting blown up.

Or check this out: We show some Iranian shit getting blown up, then smash cut to Will Smith hollering “Welcome to Earth!”

Yeah, I know the Iranians are already from Earth, but how badass was Will Smith in that movie? Bro, this video had the dude from Halo in it and as best I know, we’re not currently being wiped out by an alliance of genocidal theocratic aliens.

Not that a race of genocidal theocratic aliens could wipe us out. Our warfighters would wipe them out. I’d like to see a bunch of aliens try to mess with the American military.

Of course it’s a good idea, it’s my idea.

Oh, this is a good one! We put in that video of us blowing up that unarmed Iran ship that was carrying the navy band, and then BAM! Smash cut to that scene in Hunt for Red October when the American sub has just surfaced while it’s being chased by a torpedo and a Russian sailor yells “Captain scared ‘em out of the water!” Except we replace the subtitle with “Trump blew ‘em out of the water!” How fuckin’ badass would that be?

The president will love that one. Russians cheering him on? Shoot, we might get Congressional Medals of Honor.

We need more of Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, too. Let Ben Stiller sue. We find some video of, like, an ayatollah or a mullah or whatever-ah doing an interview or something, and then we cut to Tom Cruise yelling into the phone “Take a step back and fuck your own face!” And then we smash cut to a whole bunch of footage of shit blowing up.

Whew! All this talk about editing videos that turn death and destruction into badass Internet content is making me thirsty. And horny! No wonder everyone in Hollywood is always drunk and banging starlets. They’re godless heathens, but they know how to party.

You know what else? Captain America. We need some Captain America shit. We put in that scene of him beating up like 15 guys in an elevator, except we replace all their faces with the ayatollah’s. Then at the end, there’s Captain America standing over all these unconscious ayatollahs who just got their asses kicked. Then BAM! We smash cut to some more Iranian shit blowing up.

All right, so we got Captain America, we got Tom Cruise telling Iran to fuck its own face, we got Hunt for Red October. We got Rambo. Put in some sick theme music from one of the Call of Duty games, maybe some video of the president saying that on a scale of 1 to 10, our war effort’s a 15, and let’s get that fucker posted.

And check with the press office, I’m sure we’ve gotten a lot more clips of a lot more Iranian shit blowing up since the last time around.

[BlueSky / BlueSky]

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