Let's Talk About Pete Hegseth's Very Good Pull-Ups
Have you done the Burp Box and Secretary Shitfaced fitness challenge?
We’ve linked to this multiple times this week, but have y’all seen that weird and pathetic video of Robert F. “Did My Brain Worm Make Me Speak Forever In Burps?” Kennedy Jr. and Pete “The Only Worms In My Brain Came From This Bottle Of Tequila Right Here!” Hegseth doing the “Pete and Bobby” fitness challenge together?
We don’t want to be mean (yes we do) but there are a lot of things about the video that are, ahem, really weird and pathetic and milquetoast and weak and sad. Very “cringe,” as they say on the internet. You won’t be shocked a guy like Hegseth is so scared of Washington DC after watching it, we’ll tell you that much.
Let’s watch the video and then make fun of all the things that deserve our scorn and mockery, in no particular order.
Number one!
RFK Jr. works out in jeans, with a belt. Cool. Totally normal. Why wouldn’t he? There’s nothing like denim rubbing against your balls in the gym. We imagine the chafing on his inner thighs looks the way his voice sounds.
This video prompted people to ask why old BrainWorm McHeadCase works out in jeans, and he explained it on Fox News to Jesse Watters. “Well, I just started doing that a long time ago because I would go hiking in the morning and then I’d go straight to the gym, and I found it was convenient, and now I’m used to it, so I just do it.”
Nope. Incorrect. First of all, jeans may or may not even be the best attire for hiking — kind of depends on the weather and where you’re hiking — but there is nothing “convenient” about going to the gym after hiking and keeping your jeans on. All gyms have locker rooms. If Kennedy is shy about people seeing RFK Junior Junior in the locker room, he can pull down his pants in his car and put on some normal man shorts or other normal workout pants. There is obviously room in his car for this, as he is always lugging dead animal in the backseat.
“Okay, there were a lot of theories, but that makes perfect sense,” said Jesse Watters, in response to RFK Jr.’s answer that did not actually make perfect sense. But Jesse Watters has extreme Daddy issues surrounding men who are older and stronger than he is, so we’ll just assume he was too busy drooling to notice that RFK Jr.’s answer made it even weirder.
And no, it wasn’t just a thing in this video with Secretary Shitfaced. If you go look at RFK Jr.’s Instagram, all his physical activity is done wearing jeans, it is some kind of security blanket or perverted kink, obviously.
Number two!
OK, we have to talk about Shitfaced’s sad, pathetic and weak pull-ups.
Here is a video of it, followed by Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy doing better, sexier ones.
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Now, granted, granted, that weird flailing thingie Shitfaced did was not his first attempt. The weird challenge he and old Burp Box are doing specifically calls for 100 pushups and 50 pull-ups in less than 10 minutes. That’s a lot!
But, well, maybe we should hand this over to former Rep. Adam Kinzinger, a military veteran who knows something about pull-ups. He discussed with Tim Miller on the Bulwark podcast:
Kinzinger said:
“The one thing you learn in the military is if you do underhand pull-ups, that’s what the girls are allowed to do, the guys do overhand pull-ups. And in that video, RFK Jr. is doing overhand pull-ups, Pete is doing underhand pull-ups, and he’s like hoinkin’ around his legs to try to hoist himself up because he can’t get up on his own power. So look, I mean, you know, great, good job workin’ out, but you know, in an environment where alpha males rule, and your image is everything, that was a pretty big violation of that today.”
Damn.
Tim Miller called Hegseth’s pull-up a “gender-affirming pull-up.” Kinzinger said “Completely.”
Damn.
There’s more if you watch the clip.
This is not to knock people who can’t do perfect pull-ups, which is most people. They’re hard! And this is not to knock people who do overhand vs. underhand, or men who do pushups on their knees, or anything like that. Anybody who Works Out, Bro knows that there’s no shame in modifying exercises and doing what you need to do for your body, and if that’s how you do pushups, either while you’re getting stronger to do them the other way or forever, that’s fine! (Or at least there shouldn’t be shame, if there is shame, you’re doing it wrong.)
But most people aren’t Donald Trump’s Fox News Defense secretary who is über-obsessed, in a pathetic white Christian nationalist masculinity Daddy issues kind of way, with appearing at all times to be FORD TOUGH and stronger than you and butch and manly, who is firing people from important military positions for being too “woman” and/or “Black,” and who is far more concerned with making himself look pretty in his Pentagon makeup studio so he can go film another light gay porn video performatively working out with the troops than he is with actually, you know, giving the world’s most powerful military the confident, intelligent adult leadership it deserves.
So he deserves to be made fun of, cruelly and to his face.
And look, Pete Hegseth is not a spring chicken anymore! He’s 45 (Kennedy is 71), and if you factor in all the reports about the way he’s lived his life so far (ahem), he’s probably way older than 45 under all that makeup he uses to cover his horrible wart skin.
Therefore it’s totally understandable that his pull-ups would look sick and gross and not at all befitting of a WARFIGHTER.
By the way, all this mockery of Pete’s I’m A Big Kid Now Pull-ups has made his former “Fox & Friends Weekend” work-husband Will Cain, the dippiest, most easily triggered weenus on all of Fox News, extremely upset. Look how upset he is hearing people talk about his beloved Pete this way:
Pete Hegseth is his Daddy Issues, we guess.
Number three!
The way both Burp Box and Shitfaced say they’re doing this because Donald Trump inspired them to do it.
“It was President Trump who inspired us to do this,” Kennedy said in a clip recorded after the challenge, which was hosted at the Pentagon Athletic Center and featured troops from the Army, Navy, Air Force, Space Force, and Marine Corps.
Hegseth, an ex-Fox News pundit, added in a cadence made for TV, “Thank you, President Trump, for setting the example. Presidential physical fitness, Make America Healthy Again, fit, not fat.”
Yep, they’re talking about old CankleTits, who thinks exercise kills.
You betcha.
But then again, we are back to Daddy issues, especially with Pete. Gotta lick the royal taint!
Number four!
The Daily Beast noticed something extremely sad and needy about the video, and it’s that in the scenes of Hegseth walking through the Pentagon, you can see that he’s plastered pictures of himself all over the walls. As if there’s something impressive about him, about his low-rank military service, as if he isn’t the least qualified Defense secretary in history, an embarrassment to everybody who’s ever held that title.
Yes, those are pictures of Pete on the walls in that second shot, “one inspecting what appears to be Marines and the other saluting in front of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery,” as the Daily Beast explains.
There are more that don’t appear in the video.
Other pictures of the couple were plastered on another Pentagon wall, in a meeting room where he was photographed in April with then-Trump best friend Elon Musk and among others Musk’s then spokesperson, Katie Miller, the wife of White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller.
That is … yeah, just going to go with sad.
Number five! Maybe the saddest of all. :(
Pete and Bobby want this video to go viral.
They want it to catch fire on the internet.
You know, with the kids!
They want people to look up to them, like real men who are worthy of that.
They challenge more Trump administration bro dudes to do the challenge:
In an attempt to make it go viral, at the end of the video, Kennedy challenged Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy to complete the exercise routine while Hegseth challenged Air Force Gen. Dan Caine, chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, as well as his former colleague on Fox News, Will Cain.
This Sean Duffy?
And again, Will Cain, the one who got so triggered up there?
Sure, why not, let’s see how awesome that turned out.
Oof. The entire thing, just oof.
And yes, you might have noticed that the short clip of Cain came from this longer one right here. That’s the context, he’s daring people to get on the internet and say his pull-ups are bad, because he’s seething, raging mad at the way people are making fun of Pete Hegseth, whom he calls “SecDef” now, because Pete Hegseth is his daddy.
At the end of Cain’s video, he challenges Jesse Watters (LOLLLLLLL) and also Dan Orlovsky on ESPN, a former quarterback to do the challenge, serving to remind us that before Will Cain was bad at being a newscaster, he was bad at being a sportscaster.
Obviously the Pete and Bobby Challenge is sweeping the nation, we’re sure Jesse Watters will get right on it, but for now here’s the supercut Gavin Newsom posted of Jesse calling him “Daddy”:
Good a place as any to end this post.
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It's important to remember that we are dealing with very stupid, deeply insecure children with severe daddy issues here.
Those are some very sad looking pull-ups, especially Hegseth’s (they look like my attempts and I am a late middle aged old lady with kidney disease, diabetes, severe arthritis…🤦♀️).
If you’re gonna make a big deal over fitness, at least get videos of good form? So cringe.