Libertarians Taunt Trump, Fart In His General Direction

'You already had four years, you asshole!' 'Fuck you!'

Ah, we needed that! A half-hour of criminal defendant Trump getting showered with a cacophony of lusty boos, heckles, jeers, taunts, and trolling with a rubber chicken at the DC Hilton, courtesy of America’s third-largest political party, those wacky Libertarians! It’s as cool and refreshing as a mountain stream.

The bonerguy Hope Hicks called “better than anybody at communications and branding” showed up to give a speech to the Libertarian convention Saturday night, hoping to poach some votes. They should be like peas and carrots, they both say words like “free market” and “Constitution” and have a little whiff of racism, right?

As it turns out, most of the Libertarians hate him, actually. They hate authoriteh in general, to begin with. They’re mad Trump didn’t #FIREFAUCI, #ENDTHEDEEPSTATE, #FIRETHEFED, #DRAINTHESWAMP, get rid of taxes, or return the country to the gold standard. They would’ve booed at Biden too, but he was too busy doing hot President shit, like shaking the hand of every graduate at West Point.

Other Libertarians were further disgruntled when Trump refused to debate RFK Jr. and the Ratatouille-like brain worm that controls him. After Bobby’s speech Friday night, some witty Wanda handed out squeaky rubber chickens with “DEBATE BOBBY” written on them to squeeze at Trump. Then Trump’s Secret Service detail authoritarianily confiscated the chickens, and also reportedly cleared the best seating for Trump’s security and his loyalists, pissing off the party of you’re not the boss of me, mom! even more. 

This year, “be ungovernable” in a scrawly font with an anarchy symbol for the “A” was the convention tagline, and one of their top legislative priorities is to get the life sentence of their hero Ross “Dread Pirate Roberts” Ulbricht commuted. Remember him? He ran the dark web drug-and-murder depot Silk Road, and tried to commission five murders, but it turned out that one of the hitmen he tried to hire was a cop who busted him by staging a fake torture/murder with fake blood and everything. The Libertarians love his maverick attitude!

One time, a group of Libertarians took over a town in New Hampshire, and their town got usurped by bears because they couldn’t agree on how to dispose of their garbage and some people were feeding the bears on purpose because they were so cute, and other people wanted to scare them off with firecrackers. In the end, the bears won.

They didn’t get where they are today by letting anybody tell them what to do!

Before Trump took the stage, emcee Dave Smith tried to soften the crowd: “We are not a bunch of college leftist sissies. We believe in free speech. So be respectful. We are not having a Jordan Peterson at Berkeley event here. And the message we’re sending to the world isn’t that we can’t handle ideas that we disagree with.”

But if booing makes a sissy, this party was a full panty drawer. Shouts from the crowd included “Lock him up!” “Donald Trump is a threat to democracy!” “Liar!” “Panderer!” “You had your shot!” “Fuck you!” “You already had four years, you asshole!” “No wannabe dictators!” and “Trump should have taken a bullet!” Okay, too far, guys. Also somebody held up a sign saying “MAGA=SOCIALISM,” which really makes ya think.

As Trump struggled to make his speech against a roaring deluge of boos, his face went from orange to redder, and the shadow of a chicken that evaded the Secret Service haunted the bottom corner of his backlighting. Though he did get a couple of cheers when he said he would pardon Ross Ulbricht on his first day. So much for that “executing drug dealers” platform he’d floated before. Who him, a panderer?

“Now, I think you should nominate me, or at least vote for me, and we should win together. You heard those words. Nominate me or vote. Vote for me. Because the Libertarians want to vote for me, and most of them will, and it’s very important.” 

BOOOOOOOOOOOO

When it was clear he was getting nowhere and the jeers weren’t stopping, he made the grimace-smile of a chimp preparing to tear your face off, and huffed, “you can keep going the way you have for the last long decades and get your three percent, then meet again, get another three percent … you want to make yourself be winners. It’s time to be winners!" Winners, said the loser! Showing up to another party’s convention for their single-digit votes sounds pretty desperate and loser-y, but you do you, bonerguy!

Spoiler alert, he didn’t get their votes, or their nomination. He didn’t file the paperwork to be nominated, and got six write-in votes, which put him in 11th, behind Brainworm Bobby and a guy named Toad. He sniffed on his broke-ass media platform:

The reason I didn’t file paperwork for the Libertarian Nomination, which I would have absolutely gotten if I wanted it (as everyone could tell by the enthusiasm of the Crowd last night!), was the fact that, as the Republican Nominee, I am not allowed to have the Nomination of another Party.

Mm, the sour grapes taste delicious!

And naturally as soon as he left, he tappety-tapped his victory anyway, re-Troofing praise from suckups like Utah Sen. Mike Lee and Steve Bannon about all of the wonderful cheering he got, before moving on to celebrate the solemnity of Memorial Day by defaming E. Jean Carroll some more, and posting video of himself hugging NASCAR patriarch Richard Petty.

For their part, the Libertarians also claimed victory. Hey, you’re reading about them right now, and when’s the last time that happened? Said Chase Oliver, the eventual nominee, “Do you think Donald Trump even knew Ross Ulbricht’s name before he decided to come here and pander to us?” 

Really, that’s the most important priority to you guys? Really? But compliments on the booing! It was just the palate cleanser we needed before the last week of porny peener payout court. The lemon sorbet of boos. Five stars!

[Vox/Ars Technica/Reason/NPR/NBC News]