Little Marco Rubio Thinks You Want To Read His Big Dumb Memoir

Is he running for president? Maybe. Who cares?

Marco Rubio’s written a book, and that has pundits speculating about another potential presidential run. Stop laughing. The Hill reports, "Rubio, who finished third in the 2016 GOP primary race, is set to release a new book, titled Decades of Decadence , on June 13."

It sounds like his mama wrote that line. Sure, technically, Rubio finished third in the 2016 Republican primary, but when he dropped out after losing Florida, the state where he lives, there were only four candidates left. We must also question whether he even finished third as opposed to dead last. Former Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who at least won his home state, stuck around longer, perhaps embarrassingly so, and boasted a greater share of the popular vote than Rubio.

The title, Decades of Decadence, is classic Rubio, though, and we imagine he blames "Marxist crazies and laptop liberas" for all of America’s ills. There’s probably less-than-subtle antisemitic dog whistling about“(George) Soros-backed prosecutors.”   Trans people who dare exist openly likely aren’t spared his wrath, either.

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Rubio’s previous book, American Dreams , was published in 2015, ahead of his humiliating presidential campaign. The more optimistic title reflected his pre-MAGA brand. He was the young “child of the Reagan revolution.” Now, he’s mostly just an obnoxious Twitter troll, who dismissed a bill protecting same-sex marriage rights as “a waste of time.” 

He hasn’t openly expressed his intentions to run again, and most people haven’t really asked. Here’s what he told David M. Drucker for his 2021 book, In Trump’s Shadow:  "It’s not just that if you try really hard and you’re the best candidate, you win.” That’s an intriguing hypothesis, although Rubio was a lousy candidate who didn’t really try that hard. Politico best summed up his 2016 campaign with one word: “hollow.” 

Oh, he also has a surfer metaphor that is just ... well, see for yourself:

“I’m not a surfer, but I equate it a little bit to surfing: You can have the best surfboard in the world; you could be the best surfer in the world. If there’s not waves, or if you don’t time the waves, you’re not going to surf. You don’t control that part of it.”

The “waves” in this scenario are arguably the elections that occur on a fairly regular schedule. You can in fact time them, dude. What Rubio could’ve controlled was his response to Donald Trump’s presidency. During the primary, he’d correctly pegged him as a “reckless and dangerous ... madman” who would “damage America.” He could’ve challenged Trump as early as 2020 on an “I told you so” platform. Instead, like Ted Cruz, he caved completely to the MAGA movement. Now, that’s a true profile in decadence.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is also writing a book just in time for the next election. His autobiography Fascist Like Me  (not the real title) is set to drop like a hot turd in February. DeSantis and Rubio share the same publisher, Broadside Books, which apparently does not specialize in erotica.

It’s adorable that Rubio and DeSantis still think Republican voters are impressed by such bold demonstrations of literacy. When Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene launches her inevitable presidential run, she could probably just smear racial epithets on a wall with her own feces and call it good.

[ The Hill ]

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