Liz Cheney Wins Wyoming Primary, Prepares To CONQUER HELL

Screw the cookies. I want the Foreign Affairs Committee

Congratulations to Liz Cheney, who is now apparently enough of a Wyomingite to finally qualify for both a "resident" fishing license and the Republican nomination for the state's single House seat. The seat was once held by her dad, formerPresidentVice President Dick Cheney, while he still had some human organs, but when he was still well along his way to the Dark Side. And of course, this being Wyoming, the primary's outcome means that Liz Cheney can already start ordering stationery that says "U.S. Representative Elizabeth Cheney," although she will have to wait until January to put her office address on it:

Liz Cheney's victory in the Republican primary likely signals that she will win the seat in the general election this fall. Party registration favors the GOP over Democrats better than three-to-one in Wyoming and no Democrat has held the seat since Dick Cheney's predecessor in the 1970s.

It's a great big comeback for Cheney, who failed spectacularly in her 2014 bid for the Senate -- or rather, with her polling somewhere south of the Ebola virus, she withdrew from the race, citing unspecified "serious health issues" in her family. So now it's Liz's chance to share in her father's universal popularity! 

So, how is Liz feeling about the prospect of inheriting her father's congressional seat and Sith Meditation Chamber? She's pretty stoked!

"Certainly we've been served well by many people in Washington, and it is very special to have been nominated to serve in the seat that my dad held," she said.

The seat is currently held by Rep. Cynthia Lummis, who'll retire at the end of this term. Since she wasn't running against an incumbent this time around, Cheney avoided the gaffe of hinting that a respected sitting senator might be too senile for the job. She was able to call in all sorts of funding favors from the Usual Rightwing Sources, especially the coal industry, building a campaign war chest of over $1.5 million, about 10 times as much cash as the next three opponents in the crowded eight-candidate primary. And this time around, her opponents' claims she was a carpetbagger didn't stick, since she's owned a home in Jackson Hole for four whole years, which pretty much feels like a lifetime in Wyoming.

Cheney's campaign focused on the glories of coal, which needs to be mined and burned as fast as possibles before the liberals brainwash any more Americans into thinking global warming is even a thing. Needless to say, that's a very popular, if factually bullshitty, position in Wyoming, which actually disappeared global warming from its science curriculum standards. 

She has emphasized that it's critical to Wyoming, the nation's leading coal producing state, that the EPA roll back regulations sharply limiting emissions from coal-fired power plants. Major coal companies have declared bankruptcy in recent months and Wyoming has seen sharp layoffs among coal industry workers.

"We've got to be sure that we save the coal industry, it's a hugely important issue for Wyoming," Liz Cheney said. "Wyoming's representative has got to be somebody who's prepared to lead that fight on a national basis, and I will do so absolutely, no matter who's in the White House."

Bravo! It's only one stupid planet anyway, and Liz Cheney and her father have a whole Galaxy to take over. Oh, yes, we suppose we should mention she still could lose to Democratic House nominee Ryan Greene. If only he can bullseye that exhaust port that leads directly to the reactor chamber.

[ NYT ]