LOL! Tim Scott ... LOL! ... Running For POTUS ... LOL! No, Seriously!

The one Black person in South Carolina who's not welcome at my aunt's house.

He’s really doing it. Tim Scott, the junior senator from South Carolina whose cookout invitations remain extremely limited, announced Wednesday that he’s assembling a presidential exploratory committee that we assume will take his money and tell him he’s not about to humiliate himself.

 Here's his launch video. We're gonna need a minute to cut through all the terrible.

“There are many dumbass things about Tim Scott announcing his run for president at Fort Sumter, but one of the dumbest is... the fort was never taken. After the Confederates took it, they held onto it for the duration of the Civil War, eventually abandoning but never surrendering.”

— Elie Mystal (@Elie Mystal) 1681326769 

April 12, 1861, is considered the start of the US Civil War. A white supremacist militia attacked US soldiers at Fort Sumter. This siege was a dark day for the actual United States, and the traitors won, triggering a four-year-long, bloody war. This is a weird moment in history for Scott, who's Black and descended from slaves, to launch his presidential campaign.

"Our country faced the defining moment," Scott says while strolling through Fort Sumter. "Would we truly be one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all? America's soul was put to the test and we prevailed!"

This is a Joe Biden speech twisted into some sick AF "Abraham Lincoln was a Republican!" historical revisionism. Southern conservatives were on the wrong side during the Civil War, and they're on the wrong side in our present cold war with an anti-democratic insurgency posing as a political party.

" We prevailed"? The Daughters of the Confederacy and the Sons of Confederate Veterans would disagree. Also, even someone who took a history course in Ron DeSantis's Florida would know that the Confederacy held Fort Sumter throughout the entire Civil War and only abandoned it once their evil cause was truly lost, but they never surrendered — much like MAGA after January 6.

"Today our country is once again being tested. Once again, our divisions run deep, and the threat to our future is real. Joe Biden and the radical Left have chosen a culture of grievance over greatness."

Then we cut to the inevitable photo of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Fuck you, dude  

Think what you want of her (and I'm sure morons will go on about how she's no better than Robert E. Lee), but Scott has achieved a new level of moral bankruptcy by directly comparing Joe Biden and specifically a woman of color to the 19th Century white racist traitors who declared war on the United States. That would've been gross even before 21st Century white racist traitors attacked the US Capitol on January 6.

On the upside, much like South Carolina during the Civil War, Tim Scott is heading for the biggest of all "L"s.

 A new South Carolina primary poll from Winthrop University shows newly indicted Donald Trump with a 21-point lead over his only serious potential challenger, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis. Trump has 41 percent support from registered Republicans, almost 10 percentage points greater than his performance in 2016. DeSantis has 20 percent, which is slightly less than Marco Rubio's sad-ass second place finish. Nikki Haley is at 18 percent and Timmy Boy is at seven percent.

Haley only lives in South Carolina now. She hasn’t been governor for a while. Scott is the sitting senator and to borrow from a rap song I assume he's never heard, Trump is about to scream on his ass like his dad. Can he turn this around? Well, thoughts and prayers mean jack against gun violence, and they're equally useless in a primary campaign where you're starting in single digits in your home state.

 During an appearance on "Fox & Friends," Scott, who has zero charisma, insisted that hispersonal tap-dancing story will win over that rabid mob we generously call a Republican primary electorate. According to not-very-complicated math, Scott can't win the nomination without defeating the clear frontrunner, Donald Trump. When asked point-blank how he planned to achieve this, Scott said, "As opposed to trying to have a conversation about how to beat a Republican, I think we’re better off having a conversation about beating Joe Biden."

But you have to win the primary first, motherfucker! This is remedial GED politics, and Republican primaries are bloodbaths that make Roman gladiator fights look like coffee klatsches.Trump is already raining body blows on DeSantis, who is responding like a dope without the rope. You can’t just say “Let’s go, Brandon!” when the frontrunner calls you an establishment RINO who likes little girls. 

This isn’t a "West Wing" primary where everyone plays nice and talks about the issues that matter to voters. Besides, Trump, as the previous nominee, has inertia on his side. It’s like when you’ve ordered takeout from the same Chinese place for years. A new spot is going to need a better argument than “We also sell egg rolls!” to win your business.

As the Republican establishment’s favorite Black conservative (not an impressive achievement, of course), Scott has the same problems as DeSantis. He’s not MAGA enough. He’s the Bud Light of MAGA. DeSantis is a more effective cosplayer and is genuinely evil, but Scott is Republican awfulness at its most banal.

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