Cancel-Cultured MyPillow Alan Dershowitzes The RICOs! If You Understood That, Please Get Help.

This is your brain on 2021.

Watch out, Dominion Voting Systems! MyPillow and Alan Dershowitz are coming for you!

Mike Lindell, better known as that mustachioed pillow asshole who is obsessed with licking Donald Trump's balls, is BIG MAD about Dominion's $1.3 billion suit against him and his company. And he is fighting back! Because RICOs! And free speech! And something something bullying lawsuits!

Lindell showed up on none other than Steve Bannon's podcast this week to whine about this Minneapolis Star Tribune article he would very much not like you to read, and to talk about the very serious and definitely not batshit insane countersuits he plans on filing against Dominion.

What, exactly, will these countersuits be about? Well ... it's not totally clear. But there are two of them! And RICO AND FREE SPEECH AND BULLYING!

"There are two cases, one will be MyPillow, one will be Mike Lindell. We're both going after them. They're a little bit different because one of them, what Dominion did was violate the First Amendment rights of everyone in this country by using bullying lawsuits and RICO law."

Oh yes, all those bullying lawsuits and RICO law that Dominion is violating! I'll bet they are shaking in their boots!

Lindell elaborated,

"You're also going to have MyPillow going after Dominion in a countersuit and that's going to your First Amendment speech. You're going to have me go after them, counter-suing them."

And the pillow tycoon is already working on shoring up a crack [pot] legal team!

"I've got a team of lawyers, we're going after Dominion, and we're going after for the free speech [...] what they've done with cancel culture, suppressed our speech, used lawsuits to steer news outlets to not let people on to talk about their opinions or be able to speak out."

Don't you worry, friends, Alan Dershowitz is on the case!

Well, Alan Dershowitz is kind of on the case. After Bannon's podcast dropped, Dersh was like, "Well, umm, yeah, I'm kind of working on it, I guess?"

Dershowitz told Newsweek on Monday night that he does not know anything about the two countersuits that Lindell plans to file against Dominion. Dershowitz also clarified that while he is acting as a consultant to the law firm representing Lindell on First Amendment matters, he is not personally representing the MyPillow CEO.

He also made it clear that "he's only consulting on the case's First Amendment issues."

But Lindell is psyched! And this case is going to be BIG VERY BIG for all of our First Amendment rights! THE BIGGEST CASE EVER, as a matter of fact! Because everyone has a God-given First Amendment right to say whatever the fuck they want with absolutely no consequences whatsoever, as long as they're trying to help Donald Trump win an election! Dershy thinks so, too! Lindell swears!

"Alan Dershowitz told me that this will be one of the biggest cases, if not the biggest case in history for free speech, for the First Amendment," Lindell said. "He's one of a team of lawyers, who has a great blessing to have him on."

Dershowitz has commented on the Dominion suit, though perhaps not quite as strongly as Lindell is saying. (Though I, for one, am just absolutely shocked that a guy who is unhealthily obsessed with Donald Trump might exaggerate about something.) After Dominion filed the suit against Lindell, Dersh said, "I don't think unless they can demonstrate that with malice he deliberately, willfully, knowingly defamed them, I don't think they're going to get any pillows out of this."

" Actual malice " is the standard Dominion will likely have to demonstrate to win the case. In defamation terms, that means it will have to show that Lindell's inane rants about China and dead Hugo Chavez and RIGGED VOTING MACHINES weren't just entirely made up bullshit, but also that he knew or really should have known that he was making up these crazy lies.

Which ... doesn't seem like it will be the hardest thing in the world?

Look, actual malice is a hard bar to cross — and for an important reason. People need to have the right to criticize powerful people, companies, and institutions. But we are talking about just straight-up making shit up that has absolutely no basis in fact. So ...

But hey, don't you worry your pretty little head about Lindell. Because not only does he have a right to never face any consequences for anything he says — Americans also have a right to listen to the MyPillow guy, specifically! Well, 50 million Americans do, anyway. Not sure about the rest of us.

"Remember too that the First Amendment doesn't only give Lindell the right to express his views," Dershowitz said. "It gives 50 million people the right to hear his views."

Ah yes! I always forget about the part of the First Amendment that says, "At any given time, 50 million Americans have the right to hear the guy from MyPillow spread dumb and obviously false conspiracy theories about how dead Hugo Chavez stole the 2020 election right out of Donald Trump's tiny little hands."

[ Newsweek I / Newsweek II / Star Tribune ]

 Follow Jamie on Twitter, why don't you? 

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .