Look Upon These Tabs Ye Mighty And Despair! Tabs, Thurs., May 7, 2026

Awwww, quit it, you don't have to despair!

May 07, 2026

Good morning, here tabs be:

Kyle Rittenhouse got eated by a spider, we hear the spider’s mom brought it across state lines and dropped it off at his house just so it could eat him. [Daily Beast]

New hilarious and humiliating “KA$H Patel is the biggest fucking loser who ever lived” story just dropped, it is that he puts his name on bottles of bourbon that say “Kash Patel, FBI Director,” we guess just like his girl’s jacket he can’t fuck up a crime scene without. [Atlantic]

Meanwhile, the FBI is investigating leaks to the journalists who keeps getting all these scoops, as if somebody is leaking classified information, and not simply info about what a limpdicked fucking tool the FBI director is. [MS NOW]

Donald Trump’s “education” Nazis are now investigating the all-woman Smith College for admitting trans women. As if some MAGA Tiffany Beth from Squirrel Butthole, Mississippi, is missing out on her dream of going to Smith, if only they weren’t admitting trans women, instead of MAGA Tiffany Beth from Squirrel Butthole, Mississippi. [Fox News]

Donald Trump’s phone was autocorrecting “Melania” to “Melody,” but don’t worry, he got the military to bomb the shit of that problem like it was a little girls’ school in Iran, and now his phone doesn’t do that anymore. [JoeMyGod]

The FBI raided the office of Virginia state Senate leader L. Louise Lucas yesterday, as part of a “corruption” probe. We are sure it has nothing to do with how Lucas led the fight to fight Republican gerrymandering with Democratic gerrymandering, or the way she is publicly disrespectful toward white supremacist Republican men. You betcha. “Corruption.” Hey, you think the agents who did the raid will get any bottles of KA$H Patel bourbon, as a treat? Fuuuuuuuck, Kash Patel is a loser. [AP]

Watch the Fox & Friends couch gang up on Brian Kilmeade for lightly suggesting that people shouldn’t make fun of fat kids on the playground. [Media Matters]

Donald Trump hallucinates some memories about old unwoke Ted Turner, who was married to Jane Fonda and the other things Justin points out right here:

More on Ted Turner later, we reckon, may he rest in peace!

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Trump’s latest surgeon general pick Nicole Saphier is a fucking lunatic. [Important Context]

The white supremacist Klan-fellating Republicans of the Tennessee legislature are absolutely cumming on themselves to eliminate the one remaining Democratic district in Tennessee, the one that Steve Cohen represents, in Memphis. This is after they eliminated congressional representation a couple years back for Nashville, the very rich, very liberal, very woke city that literally subsidizes the continued existence of said Tennessee. But now because of the recent Supreme Court decision, they get to go hurt some poor Black people in Memphis. And they are so excited about that. [Tennessee Lookout]

And finally, here are some videos of Donald Trump, king of the Epstein Files, being a weird gross sicko around kids:

Surprised he didn’t ask any of them if they’d ever seen a grown man’s penis.

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