Louie Gohmert Says DOJ Casting Surveillance On His Asparagus

'They're sucking out my brains. Can't you tell?'

Genius congressman Louie Gohmert, the smartest potato ever dug out of a pile of east Texas cowflop, told Fox News this week that the Justice Department has been spying on him. Roll Call notes, politely, that Gohmert made the accusation "without offering any evidence to support his claim." Well of course not: that just proves how big the cover-up is!

Gohmert told Tucker Carlson that friends in the intelligence community clued him in to the scheme, because he's such a sharp critic of the FBI's secret war against Donald Trump, which is a totally real thing. Carlson solemnly introduced the brief, fact-free interview by saying Gohmert "may be facing retaliation for not properly kowtowing to the deep state."

Gohmert said he didn't take his intelligent friends' warnings seriously at first, but in the process of writing his blockbuster 48-page exposé of Robert Mueller's many crimes that nobody except Fox News takes seriously, he saw the light:

It really came home as I prepared that, "My gosh, this is their mode of operation, this is what they do!"

If that's not a compelling case to prove Gohmert is the subject of a surveillance campaign, we don't know what is. Plus, he keeps hearing muffled laughter everywhere he goes, which can only be coming from Deep State operatives.

Gophmert went on to insist the DOJ had "destroyed Curt Weldon's political career" in 2006 with an investigation into his ties to Russian companies. Frankly, Weldon was so corrupt it's hard to say which of his many scams led to his defeat by Democrat Joe Sestak. We bet it didn't help when news broke that Weldon had tried to hit up the Pentagon for dirt on Sestak, a retired Navy Admiral, which became a not-inconsequential campaign issue.

Carlson tried to get back to the question of why Gohmert thinks anyone is paying any attention to him at all: What kind of surveillance is this anyway? Are they "monitoring your emails, phone calls, bugging your office"? Oh, easy, Tucker, "All of the the above," Gohmert said, because sure, why not?

I'm told by one of our folks that, uh, "They know everybody that walks through your office door before they even get to the door."

Cool story, bro! Not that Gohmert had actually asked his folks who exactly "they" were -- maybe "FBI intelligence'' -- because the point is, he's being watched by them. All he knows is that "people in those departments" have told him, "They're watching, they're listening."

Carlson, with his trademark face, "I am a labradoodle trying to understand how you could have made a throwing motion and yet no ball has been thrown," asked if this wouldn't be a total "constitutional crisis," because isn't it illegal for "unelected bureaucrats" to investigate a member of the House Judiciary Committee? If it's happening?

Well, replied Gohmert, after all, they spied on a presidential candidate, now didn't they? (No they did not, Jesus H. Asparaguspersions Christ.) And by golly, they unmasked Americans, didn't they, and now we are back to exactly how stupid Louie Gohmert is when it comes to the basics of how FISA warrants even work. Or we would be, if Tucker hadn't had to go to commercial, mercifully ending the sad mess.

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[ Roll Call / Fox News ]