Speaking of maniacally stupid Republican rent-a-cops, it’s time for a visit with our old pal Louisiana Republican Rep. Clay Higgins.
One of the many contradictory conspiracy theories MAGA pigfucks believe about January 6 is that it was a false flag by the FBI, in order to make MAGA pigfucks look bad, as if that’s not just what MAGA pigfucks look like when you see them at Walmart.
(Charlie Sykes points to an interesting Reddit discussion in this morning’s newsletter, which includes an insight about why conspiracy theorists believe in contradictory delusions, namely that it’s not about the specific beliefs themselves, but rather the overarching idea that yer bein’ liiiiiiiied tooooooo! Therefore, for MAGA Republicans, January 6 was both a false flag by the feds to ensnare otherwise innocent Trump supporters — LOL — and also a mere tourist visit by innocent Republicans interested in learning how a bill becomes a law.)
Today, Clay Higgins, by miles one of the stupidest and most easily excitable dipshits ever to stink up the House chamber, spent some time with the conspiracy theory that the FBI brought GHOOOOST BUSES to the Capitol on January 6, filled with “FBI informants dressed as Trump supporters,” who were then “deployed” on the Capitol.
It happened in the Worldwide Threats hearing, and Higgins was bothering FBI Director Christopher Wray. He asked Wray if January 6 was a false flag. Wray said no. Higgins clearly thought he had caught Wray red-handed, and … oh, just bless his heart.
HIGGINS: Are you familiar with – do you know what a ghost vehicle is? You’re the director of the FBI, you certainly should. Do you know what a ghost bus is?
Chris Wray was like what?
HIGGINS: OK. It’s pretty common in law enforcement. It’s a vehicle that’s used for secret purposes. It’s painted over.
Uh huh.
HIGGINS: These two buses in the middle here [points to photo] were the first to arrive at Union Station on January 6, 0500. I have all the evidence. I’m showin’ the TIP of ‘dis iceberg! I’m showing you these two buses are painted completely white!
Well, we all know what white buses mean. Or do we?
HIGGINS: This is very important, Mr. Chairman. These buses are nefarious in nature and were filled with FBI informants dressed as Trump supporters. They were deployed onto our Capitol on January 6th. Your day is coming, Mr. Wray.
GHOOOOOOOST BUSES!
NEFARIOUS GHOST BUSES!
WHARRRR GHOST BUSES?
WAIT, WHAR THE ORIGIN STORY FOR SAYING ‘WHAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR GHOST BUSES’? CLAY HIGGINS DID NOT SAY THOSE LITERAL WORDS. FAKE NEWS!
Oh, are you new at Wonkette and also at life? WHAARRRRRR you come from?
Let’s revisit our first introduction to Clay Higgins, when former Trump lawyer/now nemesis Michael Cohen testified before Congress in 2019. Higgins was so confused why Cohen was in possession of the boxes of evidence that had been seized from his apartment and office, utterly incapable of mentally processing the concept that the FBI gave the evidence back when they were done with it.
He just kept asking over and over again. WHARRRRRR BOXES? WHARRRRRR ARE THEY?
(When you read it aloud, imagine that Foghorn Leghorn had a baby with the old pedophile from “The Family Guy.” That’s what we feel Clay Higgins sounds like.)
Wonkette wrote a dramatic one-act play that day about Michael Cohen testifying before this brain-damaged cowfuck Clay Higgins, trying desperately to explain extremely elementary concepts to him:
HIGGINS: WHAR BOXES, GOOD SIR? WHAR BOXES? ARE BOXES IN YOUR GAAAAAAA-RAGE?
COHEN: Um, they're in storage?
HIGGINS: WHAR BOXES? WHY YEW NOT GIVE BOXES TO THE PO-LICE? WHY YEW HIDE BOXES? WHAR BOXES?
COHEN: They gave them back ...
HIGGINS: WHAR BOXES? GIVE MISTER HIGGINS DA BOXES! WHAR BOXES? BOXES IS BURIED TREAS-UH! WHAR YEW BURY BOXES OF TREAS-UH AND HIDE DEM FROM POOR MISTER HIGGINS?
COHEN: Chairman, this congressman is too stupid, may I have a different one?
We have not yet received any literary awards for that, maybe they are lost in the mail.
And now we will write a dramatic one-act play about Clay Higgins asking FBI Director Wray about ghost buses on January 6.
HIGGINS: WHAAAAAR GHOST BUSES, GOOD SIR? I SEEN ‘EM! OFFICER CLAY HIGGINS REPORTIN’ FOR DUTY! I SEEN ‘EM!
WRAY: …
HIGGINS: YEW THINK YOU CAN PAINT GHOST BUSES, BUT I CAN TELL! WHAAAAAR GHOST BUSES?
WRAY: Is there a question?
HIGGINS: YOUR DAY IS COMIN’! GONNA GIT YEW! CLAY HIGGINS GONNA GIT YEW! WHARRRRRR GHOST BUSES?
WRAY: I’m just going to sit here until this is over, I guess.
HIGGINS: WHO YEW GONNA CALL? GHOST BUSSERS.
Maybe the Higgins family can act these out for Daddy at Thanksgiving next week. It’ll be real special and nice.
Or maybe we will just take it to Broadway. We’ll take our Tonys in advance.
WHAAAAAAR GHOST BUSES?
[video via Acyn / h/t JoeMyGod]
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Higgins would never stoop to using public transit, but it seems that GHOST BUSES are real https://dcist.com/story/22/11/03/dc-metro-ghost-bus-lanes/
For those of y'all unfamiliar with Louisiana, Clay is from what we in the civilized part of the state call "across the (Atchafalaya) Basin bridge." This is deep Cajun country, and folks over there are a special kind of batshit crazy, even by Louisiana standards. Not sure if it's their close proximity to the swamps, oil fields, and inbred ancestors, but Clay (and also too our governor-elect Jeff Landry) pretty much epitomizes every Cajun stereotype you've ever seen in the history of ever.