So far this year in the United States, there have been, that we know of, 3,659 measles cases — nearly 1,400 more than there were last year, so it’s definitely a great time to hold a summit all about MAHA’s “accomplishments, its regulatory reform agenda and its priorities for the year ahead,” no?
The summit will take place today, largely sponsored by the very AI companies that have recently confessed to believing AI will likely kill us all before RFK Jr. can prove that seed oil will. It will also feature a number of rather interesting speakers and hosts, including JD Vance, Brooke Rollins, Lee Zeldin, Calley Means, Kyle Diamantas, several health insurance and AI executives, convicted rapist Mike Tyson, and soon-to-be-convicted rapist and noted healthy-living icon Russell Brand.
And, of course, Cheryl Hines. Because she’s got nowhere else to go.
Let’s go down the list and chat about some of the participants, shall we?
MAHA Holdings
To open the summit, the leaders of a group called MAHA Holdings — including RFK Jr.’s son Finn — whose entire raison d'être appears to be putting together summits like these. According to an article from the Consumer Federation of America about last year’s summit, “neither Kennedy nor MAHA Holdings CEO Alex Hardy, who spoke after him, explained what MAHA Holdings is, its organizational structure, ownership, revenue model, etc.”
Not at all shady!
Dr. Patrick Carroll, Chief Medical Officer, Hims & Hers
Dr. Carroll is speaking on the “Democratizing Care” panel, which is interesting given the fact that it is currently being investigated by the FTC for “democratizing” patient information to third party vendors, despite telling consumers their information will stay private. They’re also being investigated for some shady billing practices, as the FTC alleges that “Hims does not give most consumers a consultation with a provider. Instead, by submitting their intake form, most consumers will unknowingly be charged for and subscribed to a prescription treatment without having a chance to review or approve it.” Been there, actually! Not fun!
Matt Mazzeo, Co-Founder, Noho Labs
Peptides. It’s peptides.
Dr. Eric Berg, DC, Founder & CEO, Dr. Berg Nutritionals
You know, when I saw the DC — meaning our dude is a chiropractor and not a medical doctor — I just got a feeling and Googled “Dr. Eric Berg snake oil.” I thought I might find some criticism, which I did. I did not think I would find not just one but two videos of this man actually promoting literal snake oil, including this one where he attempts to claim that psychiatry is the real quackery, not snake oil salesmanship, while spelling psychiatry wrong.
I am dead now.
Wyatt Decker, Chief Physician, Value-Based Care, UnitedHealth
Guess what panel the guy from United Health is on. Go on, guess? Did you guess the “Affordability First” panel? You probably did not. But maybe you should have, because, hey! You don’t have to pay a copay if their AI system denies your desperately needed surgery entirely and you can’t afford to pay for it yourself. See how that works? It’s like they’re doing you a favor.
Syed Mohiuddin, Head of Healthcare, Anthropic
Not terribly surprising, given that AI companies heavily supported this hoedown, but also kind of gross considering that following medical advice from AI has killed people.
Mehmet Oz/Russell Brand
Yes, it’s the collaboration you maybe would have expected had you given more thought to it, but definitely never wanted — Dr. Oz and Russell Brand, who is currently facing rape charges coming from alleged assaults on six women in the UK, chatting about the “reform” Oz is doing at the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services.
Bryan Johnson, Founder, Blueprint
That would be the creepy, plastic looking guy who plans to live forever despite having recently been diagnosed with autoimmune gastritis.
Mike Tyson
Tyson, who was convicted of raping an 18-year-old girl in 1992, is there, along with two sports guys I’ve never heard of (UFC guy Michael Chandler and baseball guy Noah Syndergaard) to discuss the concept of the MAHA athlete, which I am just going to hope doesn’t involve eating human ears.
Michael Boes, Chief MAHA Officer, Steak ‘n Shake
Yes, Steak ‘n Shake has an official Chief MAHA Officer, and it is former HHS advisor Michael Boes. He is reportedly there to talk about how they got rid of seed oils and now fry their fries in beef tallow, which in MAHA-world makes them super healthy. So you can eat your double-steakburger double-cheese combo with fries and a Patriot milkshake (confetti-cake flavored with a statue of liberty and a flag on top!) and feel like you’re just doing something really good for your body.
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Jonathan Neman, Co-Founder & CEO, Sweetgreen
Honestly, I find this to be the most confusing speaker of all. Because Sweetgreen is a salad restaurant, and what kind of salad company wants to be associated with RFK Jr. right now? Like, you think “RFK Jr. and salad,” you immediately think “explosive diarrhea.” Not to mention the fact that someone recently found a dead mouse in a jar of pepperoncini peppers, which is especially horrifying for me, a person who has been known to eat a jar of pepperoncini peppers every once in a while.
Cheryl Hines
Right before the very end of this day of horrors, AI, and snake oil, Cheryl Hines is scheduled to come out with “An Exciting Announcement!” What could it be? More measles? More food recalls? What a tantalizing and potentially gastrointestinally horrific mystery.
The whole thing will end with a “fireside chat” between JD Vance and RFK Jr., which may or may not involve a real fire, made with real beef tallow.
This conference looks like an SNL cold opening skit- but these fools are serious!
“Mehmet Oz”
Thanks, Oprah.