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Maine Gov. Paul LePage Flees University Building Dedication In Epic Snit
Yeah, we just used this. But it fits.
Maine Gov. Paul LePage, not a man given to patience, reason, or indeed any known habits of civilized humans, abruptly stormed out of a dedication ceremony at the University of Maine at Farmington Tuesday after noticing two (2) students holding signs protesting his presence. He stammered out a few disjointed words, muttered "I'm done," then stomped off the outdoor stage as fast as his little feet could take him.
LePage was at the UMF to dedicate the Theodora J. Kalikow Education Center, named after a retired university president who attended the ceremony, but he became distracted by the signs. One said "LePage: Maine's Shame," and the other read "Report Card, Subject: Environmental Issues, Theo Kalikow A+, Paul LePage F." LePage managed a few brief, rambling words before squirting away from the lectern like a frightened cephalopod:
“It’s an honor to be here, uh, to be here on this rare occasion, at the university where it is named the University of Maine, which is part of our great state and has a great history, uh,” he said.
Then, after 45 seconds of speaking, he said, “I’m sorry, I’m done,” and then walked out in front of the lectern and through the back of the audience, saying, “Thank you, you idiots out back there with the signs.”
The chancellor of the University of Maine system, James H. Page, replaced LePage at the lectern and finished the dedication, truly a tribute to his fortitude under conditions so dire that the governor had to flee.
LePage later issued an apology to the university and to Ms. Kalikow. After apologizing "for the sequence of events on Tuesday," LePage went on to gripe about those meanie meaniepants students for RUINING Theodora Kalikow's special day:
Neither Theo, nor the people who were gathered to honor her, deserved for this heartfelt occasion to be disrespected by smug and self-serving protesters [...]
If they wish to protest me, that’s fine. We all have the right to express our freedom of speech. But this event was not about me. I was sickened by the lack of respect displayed by two protesters holding up demeaning signs -- including one with Theo’s name on it -- during an event that was supposed to celebrate and honor a remarkable woman who has contributed so many years to improving education in Maine.
A smart-assed student might point out that the "report card" sign held by student Nick Bray (who's running for the Maine legislature -- good on him!) actually praised Kalikow, contrasting her environmental record positively to LePage's. But her name was on it, and that made LePage burn with rage -- for her sake, of course. In typical LePage fashion, the "apology" closed with an attack on the Maine press, which just makes Paul LePage so angry he could throw a tantrum. Vipers and parasites, every one of them!
“For more than five years, the media has flocked to events where I have been asked to speak, not to cover any good news about the events, but to disparage me over issues totally unrelated to the events," LePage said. "Since I am such a distraction to the media, I will no longer attend some of these public events. I sincerely hope the media will continue to attend these events and report on the good people of Maine and the many positive things they are doing for our state.”
We'll presume he then threw all his toys on the floor, knocked over his milk, and refused to be put down for his nap.